Hire Jim Essian

Tim Wallach was many things. A five-time All-Star. A two-time NL doubles leader. A two-time Silver Slugger. A three-time Gold Glove winner. What he wasn't was good. His OPSes in the five seasons he went to an All-Star Game were: .706, .759, .858, .760, and .810. He won one of his Silver Sluggers while hitting only .260 (he hit .298 for the other one). He is a career .257/.316/.416 hitter who averaged 19 home runs and 82 RBIs in a 17-season MLB career with the Expos, Dodgers, and Angels. He is also the 13th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time.

There was a time not so long ago when Adam Dunn was a legitimate threat to use a baseball bat to make contact with a baseball. A simpler time, when Dunn was a National League player forced to run around uncomfortably in the infield or outfield with a glove on his hand. A time when Dunn would positively VORP your face off, even as radio callers would complain about his copious strikeouts and "three possible outcomes" approach to hitting. It was in this far simpler time that the man who would become the 19th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time was born.

At long last, Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer are officially official, and you can stop worrying that the Cubs would discover some way to screw up their hiring. The MLB can also stop worrying that the "contentious negotiations" between the Cubs and the Red Sox was distracting everyone from watching the World Series. This is how stupid Bud ... Read More

There are three questions you have to ask yourself about Jeff D'Amico: Who the hell is Jeff D'Amico? Why are you making me think about Jeff D'Amico? How is Jeff D'Amico #22 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time? The answers, my friend, like all good things, will come in time. Jeff D'Amico's Major League career was short-lived, a mere eight seasons, 131 ... Read More

If there's one person to whom the Giles brothers should apologize, that man is their father. Because these jowly, square-headed weirdos had to have just RUINED their mother. If there's a second person to whom the Giles brother should apologize, it's me. Because they have just RUINED Cub pitching. That's why, after Marcus made his way ... Read More

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

I was hoping to see Starlin Castro get his 200th hit at Wrigley Field, so I watched the game today. While he didn't become the first Cub since Juan Motherfucking Pierre to reach 200 hits, there were a couple notes from the game that I found interesting. The paid attendance was just over 30,000. While it is a Wednesday ... Read More

I offer you this submission. Never has there been a more hate-worthy Cub shortstop than Ryan Theriot. Not Jeff Blauser. Not Neifi Perez. Not Alex Gonzalez. Not Ronny Cedeno. All of those guys were terrible, but they either had some redeeming moments (Gonzalez), were hated solely because of misuse (Perez), were harmless simpletons (Cedeno), ... Read More

Somewhere in the MLB Network studios, Sean Casey is still running out a double that he hit in 2006, his last year in the National League Central. That double was likely hit against a Cub pitcher. You see, the pudgy, slow-footed, affable Sean Casey did some of the best work of his 12-season career against the Chicago Cubs. ... Read More

Surely, you remember Preston Wilson. His hair was kinda- I don't know- brown. Well, not really brown. Oh, he's tall. Yeah. Kinda- kinda tall. Sorta tall. And he's always wearing- like- t-shirts. I mean, he's Preston. PRESTON. You know? Preston. Press-TONE! And he's the 29th biggest Cub ... Read More