Hire Jim Essian

I was out all day, so I hope I beat all the other blogs to that headline. Theo Epstein has made his first signing since joining the Chicago Cubs. Right fielder David DeJesus joins the Cubs to give them the left-handed power that Jim Hendry has sought for YEARS. The 32-year-old has spent the majority of his 9-year career in Kansas City (poor bastard), and he had a disappointing 2011 season with the Athletics. He's a career .284/.356/.421 hitter, which makes him about a thousand times better than Tyler Colvin and Tony Campana combined. Plus, he plays a pretty terrific right field. I know everyone was hoping for Epstein to come in and figure out a way to sign both Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder. But it's the little moves like this that are going to improve the team. Or at least make them watchable until they're ready to compete. I like it, especially since he comes pretty cheap, according to our good friend PAUL SULLIVAN.

There is a very real and sad possibility that last week's Muskbox may be the last one of the season. Meaning they will certainly address those last remaining questions you have about the Cubs. All of the important stuff, like HOW DID THE CUBS FARE WITH RUNNERS IN SCORING POSITION IN 2000??? The Muskbox is nothing if ... Read More

Before we dive knuckles-first into this week's Muskbox, it's my duty to point out that tickets to tonight's compelling Cubs-Reds matchup are currently selling for ONE DOLLAR AND FORTY-EIGHT CENTS on StubHub. (HT: Ned Ryerson) If you've been waiting to see Rodrigo Lopez pitch, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE. SIDE NOTE: Anyone need two tickets for tonight's game? Face ... Read More

Your two favorite terrible Iowa Cubs both hit home runs today. Tony Campana's was an inside-the-park scamper for his first (and almost definitely last) career home run. Tyler Colvin's was a shot to right field that came just moments after Bob Brenly was saying he hoped Colvin would hit a bomb. Let's Fukudome these bastards. VS. Tony Campana Tyler Colvin ... Read More

The Muskbox hasn't made an appearances since May 23. That's a long time for a lot of stupid questions to go unanswered. But this will be an interesting experiment. Will two months be enough time to fill a Muskbox with a handful of actual, good questions? Assuming the Muskbox receives only one query a day, at ... Read More

I know you're already anticipating next week's Muskbox, when someone from Terrae Haute suggests that the Cubs take a flyer on Milton Bradley and start him at first base over Pena. Sadly, you and I still have to get through this week's Muskbox, however. But, because we're Americans, we get up, we read our Muskbox even though we ... Read More

So it was prophesied that in the fourth month of the 2011th year, there would be much wailing, renting of garments, and gnashing of teeth of the loss of the tiny little soul of Sam Fuld. Is there any doubt that the same people crying that Sam Fuld is no longer in Chicago would be the same people complaining ... Read More

After a weirdly busy week, I'm refreshed, enthusiastic, and ready to tackle these last few Spring Training games. In case you haven't noticed. And, judging by ticket sales, you haven't. The season starts in 11 days. God help me, I'm getting excited about it. Perhaps because I'm sober for the first time since Thursday. ... Read More

I'm a former teacher. And, as such, I'm going to give you a brief, in-class assignment. Imagine every single random, bad pitcher around the MLB you can recall in recent years. The Jason Grillis. The D.J. Carrascos. The Carlos Villanueavas. Of all the random middling veteran relievers you've ever seen take the mound, where ... Read More

Returning to the Muskbox after a long weekend of making fun of Gordon Wittenmyer makes me realize what's really important in life. And that's knowing that, no matter how many Matchbox cars I shove up my nose, I will never be the stupidest Cub fan on this green-and-blue marble we call Earth. Especially not with Gordon still out there. Okay, ... Read More