Hire Jim Essian

Congressional Hearing on Steroids: Take Two REP. HENRY WAXMAN: We are here to discuss the issue of steroid abuse in Major League Baseball. With us, we have retired player Mark McGwire- MARK MCGWIRE: McGwire SMASH!!! McGwire raises his gargantuan arms over his head and brings them down on the table in front of him, spilling a pitcher of water, and ... Read More

Now that Andre Dawson is going to be inducted into the Hall of Fame, the war is on (HT: David Chalk). Will he wear a Cubs hat on his Cooperstown plaque, or an Expos hat? I vote for no hat at all, and just let that sweet Jheri curl fly. We're happily back to a normal Roundup ... Read More

Well, well, well. It looks like Tiger Woods has been knocked off his high horse, elevating me back up to the most talented athlete and beloved man of the decade. The line starts behind the shattered heart of Elin Nordegren, ladies. I'm a little late with the Roundup. Deal with it. Tips are always loved. Mike ... Read More

Just when I thought the St. Louis Cardinals couldn't stick anything else in their asses, they surprised me by bringing back amnesiac Mark McGwire as Albert Pujols' "vitamins" supplier the Cardinals' hitting coach. It would by hypocritical of me to say too much about McGwire's past, since Sammy Sosa was going needle-for-needle with him in 1998. Of course, ... Read More

Thank you, Matt Holliday. Thank you so very much for last night. Sure, it may sound like sour grapes to laugh at the misfortunes of the Cardinals. And it most certainly is. There will be Cardinals fans saying things like, "Well, at least our team MADE the playoffs!" And they can go fuck themselves. ... Read More

Hey, gang! Either you guys are terrified of the new commenting system or you're upset that the team you follow has taken a nose dive, because there weren't many comments to choose from this week. That's great news for you folks who are dying for a Comment of the Week trophy, like Grow Stubs Grow is. His ... Read More

No, not really. It's just our old pal David Kaplan at it again! Russ Kelly pointed out Kaplan's latest Cubs fix entitled, "The Cubs Need to Sign the #1 Free Agent This Winter." Hey, give Kaplan some credit for the headline. There isn't a single exclamation point in the entire thing. Sorry about the infrequency ... Read More

Are we having fun yet? Look, I know there's time left, but those of you still shouting at those of us who are giving up on the season (if I'm not giving up, why would I ever start Samardzija?) should probably shut up now. The argument earlier in the year was that this team was "too good on ... Read More

You panicky little nerds. Do you feel better now that we're only a half game out of first place? Does it bring you joy to see us win four in a row? Are you wetting the roomy crotches of your pants after the bullpen actually managed to string together some outs? Are you ready to climb ... Read More

What's worse than a Muskbag about the Cubs? A Muskbag about the Cubs when the Cubs aren't playing, and there's nothing really to talk about. I was wondering what's going to happen to our center fielders, Reed Johnson and Jim Edmonds? Will we try to keep them or does Lou Piniella want to make another attempt at giving Felix Pie ... Read More