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On Carl Everett's perfectly-flat planet, Kevin Mitchell is President of Earth, The New Girl is a great idea for a sitcom, and the Chicago Cubs are perennial World Series contenders. Oh, yeah, and dinosaurs didn't exist because God didn't mention them when he wrote the Bible. And God isn't a liar, idiot. Or should I say, "God isn't a liar, paleontologist?" Perhaps the reason Kenny Williams traded twenty-three players for Carl Everett is because Everett is #4 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Carlos Lee likes killing the Cubs like a fat kid like Carlos Lee likes cake. For all of you atheist Cub fans out there, I understand your godless ways. After all, what sort of higher power would allow Carlos Lee to play all but 59 of his 1,952 career games wearing the uniform of Cub "rivals"? Old Testament, maybe? Wherever your faith lies, know this. If you didn't utter "GOD DAMMIT" during at least one Carlos Lee's 541 at-bats against the Cubs, then you'll never understand why he pounded his way to #8 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

After four years, six months, and 26 days, we have finally arrived at the top ten. This final stretch is going to be equal parts fun and nightmarish. And we start with Jon Miller's dream player: a Latino man who likes to have his name pronounce incorrectly. A man who has one of the shortest professional careers of any player on the T79. A man whose name I would suspect is more well-known by Cubs fans than by Mets fans, even though he played for the latter. A man whom I once drunkenly asked if he wanted a hot dog when he was playing right field on a cold May afternoon at Wrigley Field. Victor Diaz, the tenth-biggest Cub Killer of My Time.

The World Series is finally upon us. There are only 4-7 baseball games left in the 2011 season before you have to accept the reality that is the Chicago Bears. Tonight, Chris Carpenter will take the hill for the St. Louis Cardinals against C.J. Wilson. I'd like to take a moment to send my sincerest wishes for ... Read More

Von Hayes' parents were total dicks. Not only did they choose the first name "Von," but they went with the sum total of "Von Francis Hayes." Maybe that's why Hayes was filled with such vengeance. The career .267 hitter had a built-up fierceness in his blood. The beast within came out nearly every time Hayes played ... Read More

Mike Jorgensen was from a simpler baseball era. A time when hitting .243 bought you 17 seasons in Major League Baseball. A time when it was okay to hit only 95 home runs and drive in 426 RBIs in a career. A time when maybe people only watched his games against the Chicago Cubs, against whom he ... Read More

It is with unbearable sadness that I inform you that Ryne Sandberg will not be in a Cub uniform next year. Let's take a moment of si- All right, Roundup time. The assistance of your tips is like a brilliant bench coach who offers the insight that Ryno may or may not have. Angel Guzman is gone! ... Read More

When I don't have a rooting interest in the World Series, I generally root for the National League to beat up on the "better" league. Consequently, I found myself rooting for the Giants this fall. Tim Lincecum is fun to watch. A portly Juan Uribe waddled away with some big moments. Buster Posey is living the ... Read More

Happy Halloween, guys and GHOULS. Ha ha ha ha! No, seriously, enjoying National Slut Day, the greatest of all holidays. I'm going as a dolphin, like I do every year. Your Browsing tips are as appreciated as everyone who DOESN'T dress up like Snooki this year. Enjoy this spooktacular version of the Browsing (now with ... Read More

Ed. Note: When I'm long gone from this world and tales are told of what I did to make a difference in this life, no one will have an answer that doesn't, at some point, use the phrase "dick joke." Whether I leave a legacy in the expanding world of penis jokes or not, though, I certainly don't ... Read More