Hire Jim Essian

A lot of the things I was hoping would happen during the 2012 season are happening. Marlon Byrd is gone. Ryan Dempster is pitching his way right off the Cubs. Starlin Castro is proving that he's just going to keep hitting. Darwin Barney is way less annoying this year. Pat Hughes got to honor Ron Santo by yelling, "Back to back jacks!" last night. Dale Sveum hasn't done anything overtly stupid so far.

Despite appearances, I'm not letting HJE die a slow death. In fact, I'm working on another facelift for the old girl, which will probably take longer than the T79. Also, there may be a return of a beloved feature on the horizon. No, not the Shoutbox. I haven't gotten around to that yet. In this latest episode of Muskbox, the fans lament Bryan LaHair's lack of at-bats (DAFUQ?) and wonder what might have been for the Peoria Chiefs if Albert Pujols were still playing there. Yup.

Is sixteen games into the season too early to take stock? Marlon Byrd and his .070 batting average are no longer Cubs. Ryan Dempster, the (shudder) longest-continuous-tenured Cub, and Kerry Wood, the longest-tenured Cub who everyone doesn't hate are both shelved with injuries. Alfonso Soriano has eleven hits so far, and not a one of them went for extra bases. David DeJesus and Matt Garza are wondering just what the fuck they're doing in Cubs uniforms. The best hitter on the team is Bryan LaHair. The recently-exonerated Starlin Castro is already setting pace to prove that, yes, he can actually hit. He's third in the NL with 23 hits so far, he's fifth in batting average at .365, and under the aggressive Dale Sveum, he's already nabbed seven bases. He stole 22 all last year.

The always-informative Muskbox is back after a busy end to Spring Training. Since Carrie hasn't had to write up many Cub wins so far, she's been busily answering your most probing questions. You're about to get probed by the Muskbox. MIND PROBED.

I get that directed marketing is probably much more effective for businesses than purchasing general ad space. I don't buy into the arguments that it's an invasion of privacy, nor do I really care that Google knows I'm dumb enough to go on Cubs.com. Most of the time, I actually prefer having relevant ads on the sidebars of the sites I visit. But all of my good feelings about directed marketing were erased from existence this morning.

Only one week after my mockery of the pre-Muskbox blurb, said blurb has gone missing from this week's Muskbox! What lies in store for future Muskboxes? Will Carrie finally get a cubs.com e-mail address? Will a thought-provoking question get a researched, insightful answer? Will Carrie let her hair down? There is only one way to find out, and unfortunately it involves me continuing to read the Muskbox!

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

The only reason to watch the Cubs for the remainder of the season is to watch Starlin Castro hopefully erase Juan Pierre from any bit of Cub trivia. Before the end of the season, when anyone asks you, "Hey, who was the last Cub to collect 200 hits in a season?" you will no longer have to answer, "Juan ... Read More

I was hoping to see Starlin Castro get his 200th hit at Wrigley Field, so I watched the game today. While he didn't become the first Cub since Juan Motherfucking Pierre to reach 200 hits, there were a couple notes from the game that I found interesting. The paid attendance was just over 30,000. While it is a Wednesday ... Read More

I offer you this submission. Never has there been a more hate-worthy Cub shortstop than Ryan Theriot. Not Jeff Blauser. Not Neifi Perez. Not Alex Gonzalez. Not Ronny Cedeno. All of those guys were terrible, but they either had some redeeming moments (Gonzalez), were hated solely because of misuse (Perez), were harmless simpletons (Cedeno), ... Read More