Hire Jim Essian

Surely, you remember Preston Wilson. His hair was kinda- I don't know- brown. Well, not really brown. Oh, he's tall. Yeah. Kinda- kinda tall. Sorta tall. And he's always wearing- like- t-shirts. I mean, he's Preston. PRESTON. You know? Preston. Press-TONE! And he's the 29th biggest Cub ... Read More

As good as John Smoltz was throughout the course of his 21-season MLB career, he'll always be remembered for being even better in the playoffs. Specifically, for Game 7 of the 1991 World Series, during which only a superhuman effort from Jack Morris led to a Minnesota Twins victory over Smoltz's Atlanta Braves. The game is regarded as ... Read More

Mike Jorgensen was from a simpler baseball era. A time when hitting .243 bought you 17 seasons in Major League Baseball. A time when it was okay to hit only 95 home runs and drive in 426 RBIs in a career. A time when maybe people only watched his games against the Chicago Cubs, against whom he ... Read More

I need to get a quick confession off my chest right up front here. When I was a kid, I loved Mark McGwire. I don't know if it was because he was a first baseman like me, because his team had actually won a World Series in my lifetime, or because I felt bad that he was a ... Read More

The Cardinals are in town, which will, of course, cause all of the city's journalists to write stories about how we should steal all of the Slugger's batting tokens out of Todd Rickett's piggy bank (and those crammed up his nose) to sign Albert Pujols next year. Never mind that Pujols' "slow start" is starting to look more like ... Read More

I was tempted to assault all of your senses by Livetweeting my first playthrough. But then I decided I'm not that cruel, and I would liveblog it instead. So, without further delay, here are my initial impressions of SCEA's latest entry in its successful baseball series. *NOTE: I'm going to try to add video at some point, but (1) ... Read More

I'm not going to lie. I just really wanted to do a Staredad. And here it is, if you can't see it. But feel free to revel in the comments that Albert Pujols has not yet signed with the Cardinals. I'm sure The Best Fans in BaseballTM are rending their overalls and Zubaz, and The Genius ... Read More

You're getting a late Fukudome because Rozner's steamer which I fisked below has enraged me. As you are aware, Kerry Wood turned down a two-year deal with the White Sox only to sign a dirt-cheap, one-year deal with the Cubs. Why? Because Kerry Wood is the man you would encourage your girlfriend to sleep with. Ryan Theriot, on ... Read More

This week's Muskbox sadly came out just before Ryan Theriot was traded to the Cardinals, natural enemies of the Cub. But that's okay. I suspect that next week's Muskbox is going to be absolutely epic in its garment-rending. But fisking duty calls. Marlon Byrd was awesome in center field this year. Did he get any votes for a ... Read More

If you were looking for an early Christmas present, you just found it. Ryan Theriot will take his invisible racecar to St. Louis, where he will likely be driving it drunk. This is the best thing that has happened to Cubs fans since the Reds hired Dusty Baker. The Cardinals just slipped from second place in the ... Read More