Hire Jim Essian

In the offseason prior to the 2005 season, there were plenty of rumors floating around that the Cubs had an interest in signing switch-hitting, speedy center fielder Carlos Beltran. The rumors made sense. Not because the Cubs wanted to get Beltran off the roster of their NL Central foes, the Houston Astros. Not so Beltran would no longer be allowed to face Cub pitching. No, I suspect the Cubs just wanted to force Beltran to share a locker room with the pitchers upon whom he had inflicted so very much misery. To have to look into their eyes as the Cubs trudged toward a miserable fourth-place 2005 finish. To the dismay of Cubs fans, not only did Beltran pass on the Cubs' overtures, but he also stayed in the National League until the present day, giving him ample opportunity to hit his way up the ladder to #11 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Here's a not-at-all-funny story of my life that has absolutely no payoff. In 2001, I was a starry-eyed high school teacher with two hundred dollars in my savings account, and not a care in the world. Including the educational futures of CHILDREN. In the midst of finals week, my brother-in-law called me on my Motorola i90c cellular phone (with push-to-talk functionality!) and asked if I wanted to go to the Cubs-Cardinals game at Wrigley Field that night. "But, brother-in-law," I said. "Surely, all of the tickets for tonight's game are sold out!"

It's hard to imagine that Neifi Neftali Perez was a bigger liability to the Cubs when off their roster than when on it. When last we left Neifi over four years ago, he was being honored as the second-worst Cub of my time. Now here we sit, eagerly awaiting his official retirement from baseball so that his Hall of Fame eligibility clock can begin its insistent ticking. Surely, a man with a career .297 OBP will not get a call from the Hall of Fame. He would, however, if the BBWAA considered only Neifi's statistics against the Cubs. His career pursuit of those numbers caused Neifi to scrap his way all the way up to #18 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Now Pujols you're a Card no more, You once hit a curve ball off the Lord, But you don't really care for baseball, do you? You batted third, And fourth, and fifth. The minors fell; you never whiffed. The Majors called and said, "Go two-for-two, yeah?"

Sportswriters everywhere have their wet dream story of the day, as Tony "The Genius" La Russa has retired from baseball. (HT: Ned Ryerson) You're bound to see a lot of flowery language about the legacy that La Russa gave to the game. A written love-fest to one of the biggest assholes in the game of baseball. ... Read More

The World Series is finally upon us. There are only 4-7 baseball games left in the 2011 season before you have to accept the reality that is the Chicago Bears. Tonight, Chris Carpenter will take the hill for the St. Louis Cardinals against C.J. Wilson. I'd like to take a moment to send my sincerest wishes for ... Read More

I'm excited that the 2011 playoffs start tonight, in September. I'm particularly excited about the prospect of the World Series ending, rightfully, in October. I'm a bit baffled as to why both ALDS series are on tonight and why both NLDS series are on tomorrow. But if there's one thing Bud Selig has taught me, it's EXPECT ... Read More

I offer you this submission. Never has there been a more hate-worthy Cub shortstop than Ryan Theriot. Not Jeff Blauser. Not Neifi Perez. Not Alex Gonzalez. Not Ronny Cedeno. All of those guys were terrible, but they either had some redeeming moments (Gonzalez), were hated solely because of misuse (Perez), were harmless simpletons (Cedeno), ... Read More

Surely, you remember Preston Wilson. His hair was kinda- I don't know- brown. Well, not really brown. Oh, he's tall. Yeah. Kinda- kinda tall. Sorta tall. And he's always wearing- like- t-shirts. I mean, he's Preston. PRESTON. You know? Preston. Press-TONE! And he's the 29th biggest Cub ... Read More

As good as John Smoltz was throughout the course of his 21-season MLB career, he'll always be remembered for being even better in the playoffs. Specifically, for Game 7 of the 1991 World Series, during which only a superhuman effort from Jack Morris led to a Minnesota Twins victory over Smoltz's Atlanta Braves. The game is regarded as ... Read More