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If last week's rant didn't angry you up about Fauxpening Day, this morning Pre pointed out to me that the Oakland A's and Seattle Mariners are both back in Spring Training this week. One week after they played games against one another which counted in their season standings. As if that's not stupid enough, the Mariners are opening up the 2012 season in stateside fashion Friday against...the A's.

Bud Selig is the dumbest commissioner in professional sports. And there are some legitimate nitwits in his company, so it's impressive that Bud is the nitwittiest. Instead of fixing the many things about baseball that need fixing, Bud is content to add a stupid one-game playoff, force interleague play down our throats every day of the season, and move baseball all the way across the planet for Opening Day. I hate Bud Selig, yet I fear that Andy MacPhail will eventually replace him, and I'll hate him even more.

On Carl Everett's perfectly-flat planet, Kevin Mitchell is President of Earth, The New Girl is a great idea for a sitcom, and the Chicago Cubs are perennial World Series contenders. Oh, yeah, and dinosaurs didn't exist because God didn't mention them when he wrote the Bible. And God isn't a liar, idiot. Or should I say, "God isn't a liar, paleontologist?" Perhaps the reason Kenny Williams traded twenty-three players for Carl Everett is because Everett is #4 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

The early-2000s Milwaukee Brewers teams were absolutely terrible. From 2000-2003, the Brewers went 265-383, with a 106-loss season thrown into the mix. That is an abysmal .409 winning percentage. If you're a Cubs fan, and that surprises you, it's because the Brewers managed to go 32-31 against the Chicago Cubs during that same time period. In fact, the only team against whom the Brewers performed better was the Cincinnati Reds, against whom they went 34-32. The Brewers dominated Wrigley Field, winning 18 of 33 games on the road. They were the team version of a Cub killer in the early 2000s. Much of that anomalous record against the Cubs could be attributed to one man. One enormous, spindly, hideous tree of a man. The 12th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time. Richie Sexson.

Where were you on June 17, 2011? Did you know it was a historic date? Not only did the Cubs manage to defeat the mighty New York Yankees at Wrigley Field, but somehow DOUG DAVIS managed to defeat the New York Yankees at Wrigley Field. Oh, also, it was the first time in the history of Major ... Read More

Way back in 2002, the Cincinnati Reds revealed a slugger who was supposed to be Sosa- McGwire- and Bonds-esque in his ability to hit home runs. Despite his inability to draw walks, catch and throw a baseball, or either spell or pronounce the name "Willy," Wily Mo Pena was going to team up with Austin Kearns and Adam Dunn ... Read More

Add Seattle to the ever-growing list of cities that can't stand having Milton Bradley living there. In honor of the utter waste of oxygen that is Milton Bradley, here are a bunch of pictures of him acting like a total asshole. Enjoy! ... Read More

Thank you to everyone who let me know that CRIMINALLY MISUNDERSTOOD Milton Bradley was arrested for criminally misspeaking to a woman. It was probably that racist bitch of a kindergarten teacher his son had in Chicago. Here is California Penal Code Section 422 concerning "criminal threats": 422. Any person who willfully threatens to commit a crime which will result in death ... Read More

Everyone's crying about the length of games, from Joe West to Bud Selig. Not me. I wish the MLB had longer commercial breaks and mound visits. That way, I wouldn't have to come running out to argue a call in mid-piss. Oh, well. I got a lot of great tips this week. Keep them ... Read More

Ed. Note: When I'm long gone from this world and tales are told of what I did to make a difference in this life, no one will have an answer that doesn't, at some point, use the phrase "dick joke." Whether I leave a legacy in the expanding world of penis jokes or not, though, I certainly don't ... Read More