Hire Jim Essian

Happy Halloween, guys and GHOULS. Ha ha ha ha! No, seriously, enjoying National Slut Day, the greatest of all holidays. I'm going as a dolphin, like I do every year. Your Browsing tips are as appreciated as everyone who DOESN'T dress up like Snooki this year. Enjoy this spooktacular version of the Browsing (now with ... Read More

After this week's trade of Mike Fontenot to the San Francisco Giants, the Cubs have rid themselves of both members of the stupidly-named "Cajun Connection." Which former LSU double play teammate will you miss most of all, Scarecrow? VS. Mike Fontenot Ryan Theriot ... Read More

If there's one thing that's absolutely infuriating about the Cubs, it's their mystifying inability to hit left-handed pitching. No, scratch that. If there's one thing that's absolutely infuriating about the Cubs, it's their 102-year championship drought. Number two is the other thing with the left-handers. A couple of offseasons ago, when Jim Hendry decided to make ... Read More

Ed. Note: When I'm long gone from this world and tales are told of what I did to make a difference in this life, no one will have an answer that doesn't, at some point, use the phrase "dick joke." Whether I leave a legacy in the expanding world of penis jokes or not, though, I certainly don't ... Read More

Well, well, well. The two greatest baseball players in Chicago history are finally united in San Francisco. The Giants' signing of Mark DeRosa unites the stubbly heartthrob with Aaron Rowand, who made ladies swoon over the "run face-first into a wall" move before Reed Johnson thought of it. Thus, the 2010 Giants became an unstoppable juggernaut. ... Read More

It's been a while since Jason Schmidt was considered an elite MLB pitcher. It's also been a while since the last time Schmidt pitched against the Chicago Cubs. Coincidence? Yes. But that doesn't make Jason Schmidt any less deserving of being named the 53rd biggest Cub Killer of my time. Jason Schmidt was selected by the Atlanta ... Read More

I apologize for interrupting your regularly-scheduled Friday HJE, but this is just too stupid to ignore. Last night, Derrek Lee was on second base when Jeff Baker hit a two-strike, two-out home run off of closer Brian Wilson to give the Cubs a 3-2 lead over the Giants. During the dugout celebration, Angel Guzman slapped Lee on the ... Read More

Maybe I'm just annoyed with how the weekend series has gone so far. Maybe it's because it seems like Todd Helton hits .800 against the Cubs. Maybe it's because such piles of shit as Neifi Perez, Aaron Miles, Shawn Estes, and Dusty Baker have associations with NL West teams. Maybe it's because of the outcome of the ... Read More

Since there was no Roundup last week due to the fact that I was in a turkey coma, I have a lot of catching up to do. Plus, we have the Winter Meetings coming up next week in Las Vegas, so I have to help Hendry pick out a bunch of Hawaiian fat guy shirts. So, here we ... Read More

The only time I read Bleed Cubbie Blue is when someone on Desipio links it. For someone on Desipio to link it, the writing must be worse than normal. So when I saw a link to the hilariously stupid "Building A Cubs Champion: Introducing Your 2009 Chicago Cubs" I had to click it. I now fully understand ... Read More