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With "Play Ball!" Day rapidly approaching, fluff pieces about bunting tournaments and Alfonso Soriano leading off are giving way to real news. Like Ryan Dempster getting another Opening Day start despite Matt Garza being a far better pitcher, comedian, and human being.

Before you didn't watch A.J. Pierzynski cheat the White Sox into the 2005 World Series, there was probably already something in your gut that made you hate him. Your gut was absolutely right. The nicest thing that fellow asshole Ozzie Guillen could say about Pierzynski is, "If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him a little less." For one thing, I didn't know assholes could smell their own. For a second thing, there is no way Ozzie Guillen said that as eloquently as that quote is written. For yet another thing, when even OZZIE GUILLEN thinks you're an asshole, it's time to take some serious stock of your life. Though Pierzynski's numbers against the Cubs have dropped in the last few years, I have no qualms about placing the infuriating mullet of A.J. Pierzynski at #7 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

In the offseason prior to the 2005 season, there were plenty of rumors floating around that the Cubs had an interest in signing switch-hitting, speedy center fielder Carlos Beltran. The rumors made sense. Not because the Cubs wanted to get Beltran off the roster of their NL Central foes, the Houston Astros. Not so Beltran would no longer be allowed to face Cub pitching. No, I suspect the Cubs just wanted to force Beltran to share a locker room with the pitchers upon whom he had inflicted so very much misery. To have to look into their eyes as the Cubs trudged toward a miserable fourth-place 2005 finish. To the dismay of Cubs fans, not only did Beltran pass on the Cubs' overtures, but he also stayed in the National League until the present day, giving him ample opportunity to hit his way up the ladder to #11 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

It's hard to imagine that Neifi Neftali Perez was a bigger liability to the Cubs when off their roster than when on it. When last we left Neifi over four years ago, he was being honored as the second-worst Cub of my time. Now here we sit, eagerly awaiting his official retirement from baseball so that his Hall of Fame eligibility clock can begin its insistent ticking. Surely, a man with a career .297 OBP will not get a call from the Hall of Fame. He would, however, if the BBWAA considered only Neifi's statistics against the Cubs. His career pursuit of those numbers caused Neifi to scrap his way all the way up to #18 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

Way back in 2002, the Cincinnati Reds revealed a slugger who was supposed to be Sosa- McGwire- and Bonds-esque in his ability to hit home runs. Despite his inability to draw walks, catch and throw a baseball, or either spell or pronounce the name "Willy," Wily Mo Pena was going to team up with Austin Kearns and Adam Dunn ... Read More

It's stupid that Barry Larkin isn't already in the MLB Hall of Fame while Ozzie Smith is. Larkin was one of the most dominant offensive shortstops over the course of a 19-year career spent entirely with the Reds. On his resume, Larkin can list 12 All Star game selections, 9 Silver Sluggers, 3 Gold Gloves, and an MVP. ... Read More

No, Kevin Mitchell was not listed in baseball's infamous Mitchell Report. He probably wasn't on steroids. But he was an oversized left fielder for the San Francisco Giants who was so bad in the outfield that the greatest play he ever made involved him taking a horrible route to the ball and overrunning it by several feet. ... Read More

It is with unbearable sadness that I inform you that Ryne Sandberg will not be in a Cub uniform next year. Let's take a moment of si- All right, Roundup time. The assistance of your tips is like a brilliant bench coach who offers the insight that Ryno may or may not have. Angel Guzman is gone! ... Read More

When I don't have a rooting interest in the World Series, I generally root for the National League to beat up on the "better" league. Consequently, I found myself rooting for the Giants this fall. Tim Lincecum is fun to watch. A portly Juan Uribe waddled away with some big moments. Buster Posey is living the ... Read More