Hire Jim Essian

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

Whenever a team lets a player go for no compensation, although they say all the right things and wish him well, they are secretly hoping that the player sucks throughout the course of his career. You hope he becomes Mark Prior or Matt Clement or Rueben Quevedo. You certainly don't want him to become the greatest pitcher of ... Read More

Another week brings the dawn of another Muskbox. All things are relevant to the Muskbox, even those things that go unanswered. Which is most things. But you have to keep TRYING, you know? Most of what I have been reading says the Cubs will not pick up Aramis Ramirez's club option and instead pay him the $2 million ... Read More

Brian Wilson made yet another of his "hilarious" appearances at the ESPYs. This imbecile is sure making the most of his two-and-a-half years of fame. His interviews are absolutely unlistenable, and now he has a TV show. Hooray! Wilson reminds me of a certain Cub pitcher who would be told at any respectable open-mic night, "Don't quit your ... Read More

Please note. Only SOME of this press conference with Tom Ricketts is made-up. I'd like to thank you all for coming to this mandatory press conference. Please be advised that this will be the last time I speak before I retire to my chambers, take one last look at QuickBooks, and hang myself. Please tell my ... Read More

Our good friend PAUL SULLIVAN reported yesterday that the Cubs were wearing "F**K THE GOAT!!!" t-shirts to warm-ups. And, sure enough, he got picture evidence for us. Sullivan wonders if some fans will be up in arms that the Cubs are screwing around during a losing season. Not me. I'm more annoyed that the Cubs are ... Read More

It would appear that James Russell is not capable of filling in for either Andrew Cashner or Randy Wells. Hell, tonight's performance aside, Ryan Dempster isn't capable of filling in for them, either. Since it's insane to repeat the same thing over and over and expect different results, there's really no reason that Mike Quade shouldn't throw a ... Read More

I haven't intentionally read a Steve Rosenbloom article ever. But after inadvertently reading the lede of his latest succinctly-titled article, "Losing to the Pirates shows how much better the Cubs pitching needs to be," I couldn't resist. I didn�t expect the Cubs to win 90 games this season, but I sure didn�t expect them to blow a series to the ... Read More

Okay, this is weird even for a team as weird as the Cubs. From Fox Sports comes the story that, toward the end of Dusty Baker's tenure with the Cubs, someone with access to the Cub dugout was apparently taking shits in Dusty's "standin' spot, dude." The most likely explanation for this story is Dusty that is more full of ... Read More

It didn't take long for Mike Quade to start MAKING SOME WAVES! Today, he named Ryan Dempster the Opening Day starter instead of Carlos Zambrano. It's news because everyone is waiting to see how well Carlos' anger management classes REALLY worked. Is he putting on a happy face and wishing Dempster luck while just below the surface ... Read More