Hire Jim Essian

Ryan Braun made an infuriating statement last Thursday after an arbitrator overturned his 50-game drug suspension. The arbitrator upheld Braun's appeal solely because the MLB drug testing rules clearly state that a urine sample must be delivered to a testing facility the same day it was tested. Braun's was delayed three days. That's it. There was no argument that his sample tested didn't test positive for banned substances, yet now Braun is pretending to feel vindicated because the "truth" is on his side. Bullshit. He got away with breaking the rules on a technicality. If there is a player in the Majors who deserves to be heckled next year, it's Braun. He may have avoided a suspension for breaking the rules, but I suspect and hope he won't be able to avoid the deserved barbs when he makes his tour of opposing National League parks this season.

Ha ha ha ha ha, you stupid assholes. You come to my site, you insult my readers, you insult my team, and you insult my writing. So, where are you now that my post about Ryan Braun having herpes is looking more and more to be 100% true, you fucking cowards? Are you going to come back and take your poison like men, or are you (as I expect) going to cling to internet anonymity and never show your pathetic, unfunny screen names on my site again?

So, some information has been brought to me that is far too hilarious to keep to myself. Let's get the standard disclaimers out of the way. THIS IS PROBABLY NOT TRUE. THIS IS BROUGHT TO ME THROUGH FRIENDS OF FRIENDS WHO KNOW PEOPLE THAT ARE IN THE ORGANIZATION. I will also point out in advance to Ryan Braun's crack legal team that truth is an ironclad defense against any allegations of libel. And, let's be honest, asking me to take this post down basically proves its truth. It's like when nude photos of a starlet get leaked and they freak out about trying to get them taken down. You're just calling MORE attention to your fantastic ass, Blake Lively.

Hello, kids! I'm all giddy today, because I'm getting ready for our three-game sweep of the Cardinals, now that they lost THE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER TO ANY TEAM IN MLB HISTORY. I hope you guys have picked a different Cardinals player to standing ovate this weekend. If you haven't, may I suggest Todd Wellemeyer? He "played ... Read More

You panicky little nerds. Do you feel better now that we're only a half game out of first place? Does it bring you joy to see us win four in a row? Are you wetting the roomy crotches of your pants after the bullpen actually managed to string together some outs? Are you ready to climb ... Read More

Before any Brewers fans catch wind of this and freak out, I want to clarify something right off the bat. I don't care if the Cubs throw at Ryan Braun. I don't want the guy's blood like a lot of people do. It's the Cubs' prerogative if they think he was showing Ryan Dempster up after his ... Read More

Thank God these Muskbags are a weekly affair. If they weren't, we would have had to listen to three ivy questions in one Muskbag instead of listening to one ivy question each of the last three weeks. PROGRESS! Time for the Muskbaggery: My husband and I had an argument about the outfield positions. I think he's just a ... Read More