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You are here : Hire Jim Essian » Tag for Roger Clemens

The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time #11: Carlos “Will Beat You with a” Beltran

Posted On 18 Jan 2012 By Bad Kermit. Under: The Top 79.
The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time #11: Carlos “Will Beat You with a” Beltran In the offseason prior to the 2005 season, there were plenty of rumors floating around that the Cubs had an interest in signing switch-hitting, speedy center fielder Carlos Beltran. The rumors made sense. Not because the Cubs wanted to get Beltran off the roster of their NL Central foes, the Houston Astros. Not so Beltran would no longer be allowed to face Cub pitching. No, I suspect the Cubs just wanted to force Beltran to share a locker room with the pitchers upon whom he had inflicted so very much misery. To have to look into their eyes as the Cubs trudged toward a miserable fourth-place 2005 finish. To the dismay of Cubs fans, not only did Beltran pass on the Cubs' overtures, but he also stayed in the National League until the present day, giving him ample opportunity to hit his way up the ladder to #11 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time #23: Brian “Can Beat For” Giles

Posted On 11 Oct 2011 By Bad Kermit. Under: The Top 79.
The Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time #23: Brian “Can Beat For” Giles If there's one person to whom the Giles brothers should apologize, that man is their father. Because these jowly, square-headed weirdos had to have just RUINED their mother. If there's a second person to whom the Giles brother should apologize, it's me. Because they have just RUINED Cub pitching. That's why, after Marcus made his way ... Read More

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “.500 Again?” Edition

Posted On 10 Jul 2009 By Sweet Uncle Lou. Under: Around the MLB, Cubs, Lou's Friday Roundup.
Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “.500 Again?” Edition Hello, kids! I'm all giddy today, because I'm getting ready for our three-game sweep of the Cardinals, now that they lost THE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER TO ANY TEAM IN MLB HISTORY. I hope you guys have picked a different Cardinals player to standing ovate this weekend. If you haven't, may I suggest Todd Wellemeyer? He "played ... Read More

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “How Do You Like Us NOW?” Edition

Posted On 15 May 2009 By Sweet Uncle Lou. Under: Around the MLB, Cubs, Lou's Friday Roundup.
Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “How Do You Like Us NOW?” Edition You panicky little nerds. Do you feel better now that we're only a half game out of first place? Does it bring you joy to see us win four in a row? Are you wetting the roomy crotches of your pants after the bullpen actually managed to string together some outs? Are you ready to climb ... Read More

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “Thank God the Offseason is Over” Edition

Posted On 13 Feb 2009 By Sweet Uncle Lou. Under: Cubs, Lou's Friday Roundup.
Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “Thank God the Offseason is Over” Edition Holy God in Heaven, baseball is back. It seems like ages ago that we were getting swept out of the playoffs and wasting a 97-win season. Remember that? Remember when we were getting swept out of the playoffs? Anyhow, happy belated 200th birthday to two of my favorite bearded men, Abraham Lincoln and Charles Darwin. ... Read More

Fucking Cocksucker of the Day: Roger Clemens

Posted On 29 Apr 2008 By Mean Uncle Lee. Under: Around the MLB.
Fucking Cocksucker of the Day: Roger Clemens Well, Roger, we all knew you were a fucking cocksucker. You've been a 'roided-up, self-centered hired gun prick for your entire career. You've played for the Red Sox and the Yankees, two of the most hated fucking franchises in all of baseball. And now, we find out that you're a fucking pedophile. Even giving you the ... Read More

Greg, You’re the Best…Around

Posted On 20 Feb 2008 By Bad Kermit. Under: Around the MLB, Ex-Cubs.
Greg, You’re the Best…Around With baseball villain Roger Clemens digging a deeper and deeper grave for himself, one happy thought has been running through my mind. If Clemens' is guilty of using performance-enhancing drugs, that makes Greg Maddux the greatest pitcher of the modern era. I'm sure if you posted such a declaration on the Sons of Sam Horn message board, the cries of, ... Read More

Friday Night Fukudome: Roger Clemens vs. Brian McNamee

Posted On 15 Feb 2008 By Bad Kermit. Under: Friday Night Fukudome.
Friday Night Fukudome: Roger Clemens vs. Brian McNamee You've read the stories (or you haven't). You watched the hearing (or you didn't). You're hoping Clemens gets enough rope to hang himself with enough left over to tie Schilling to a railroad track. The only problem is that the guy who's handing him the rope is only slightly more believable. Both of these guys are probably lying, ... Read More

Friday Night Fukudome: Barry Bonds vs. Roger Clemens

Posted On 04 Jan 2008 By Bad Kermit. Under: Friday Night Fukudome.
Friday Night Fukudome: Barry Bonds vs. Roger Clemens After Roger Clemens' utterly ridiculous denial of his alleged steroid abuse (It took you THAT long to come up with the exact same story Tejada came up with, Roger? Really?), I got to wondering whether Clemens has usurped Barry Bonds' long-held position as my least favorite baseball player. Bonds: Was once made to look a bitch by MARK PRIOR Is still admiring ... Read More
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