Hire Jim Essian

Ah, spring in Chicago. The air is crisp, the birds are chirping, there is love horny desperation in the air. I hope you enjoyed your week of nice weather while you were sitting at your desks, Chicagoans. It's going to be a chilly weekend. Be sure to snuggle up with your favorite porn. Roundup tips ... Read More

I love when Lou Piniella says stuff, preferably into microphones. When Lou came out in support of Mark McGwire a month ago, I thought he was full of crap. This week, he confirmed it. In case you missed it, Lou suggested that Cubs fans will forgive McGwire for taking steroids. Lou hasn't been more wrong since ... Read More

When last we left the Muskbox, it was pining over Ryan Theriot, praising Rudy Jaramillo, discussing the Unfrozen Caveman Outfielder, and blocking out billboards with her icy gaze. I'm pretty sure this week's installment, on the other hand, is a subtle personals ad. Read on! With Ted Lilly having surgery and a question mark on the Cubs' No. 5 ... Read More

Now that Matt Holliday is a Cardinal, I hate him. I hate his stupid swing. I hate his stupid face. I hate his stupid number. But, most of all, I hate his stupid jowls. So, let's put them in the Fukudome against Rick Ankiel, his number one Cardinals rival in the category of jowls. VS. Rick Ankiel Matt ... Read More

In this week's Muskbag, we are once again reminded that Cubs fans are idiots who are clueless about the rules of baseball and are obsessed with bad players. If they LOSE 97 games next year, will some of these dimwits go away? I heard that Veal was picked by the Pirates in the Rule 5 Draft. What exactly does that ... Read More

This week's Muskbag is chock full of personal questions, propositions, and SAM FULD. Hurray! Why does Lou Piniella keep using Bob Howry in close situations? Howry has been bad all year. He currently has a 5.54 ERA and a 1.42 WHIP, and he's already given up more home runs than in any other season. -- Red W., New York, N.Y. And now ... Read More

So, Section 242 emailed me this link quite a while ago, and I think it deserves its own mockery. That link leads you right to "Rick Ankiel Online." Holy shit. The front page has the words, "Those Who Endure...Conquer," written in old timey font. Like I'm reading a Bible. "In the beginning, there was the ... Read More

Last Friday, after the news that Rick Ankiel had been prescribed a 12-month supply of HGH during his 2004 recovery, Will "Emo" Leitch penned a completely ludicrous article about the incident entitled "What We Lost, And What We Never Had." Look, I appreciate what Deadspin has done for blogging, particularly sports blogging. But the self-important attitude of the ... Read More