Hire Jim Essian

Hello, insufferable Lost fans! I'm sure you're letting your geek flags fly this weekend in anticipation of the most highly-anticipated season of television since- Well, ever, probably. WILL the hydrogen bomb stop Flight 815 from ever crashing? WHY did Jacob run around touching little children? WHEN did Locke grow bigger boobs than Kate? HOW ... Read More

You know that old adage, "If you can't laugh at yourself, then you suck"? I have to give credit to Carrie for not sucking today. (HT: James) Good one, Carrie. We're one step closing to you fisking one of the Muskboxes, and then I'll have to fisk that, and we'll just keep passing the same article ... Read More

How long has the Muskbag been back in Muskbox form? A couple of months? Why is this still at the top of every single one? The mailbag is back, but it's now the Inbox... Are there people out there so hopelessly confused that they can't find this column? Some Dipshit's Thoughts: I think I'll head to my favorite site, Cubs.com, to see ... Read More

Happy Ash Wednesday, you silly Catholics. I'm sure half of you have already broken your Lenten resolutions, so let's hope the Cubs fare better with theirs. As always, HJE used its insider access to ask the Cubs (and some former Cubs), "What are YOU giving up for Lent?" LOU PINIELLA: "Losing playoff games." RYAN DEMPSTER: "Fake vomit." TED LILLY: ... Read More

Not really. I just wanted to use that headline. Jim Hendry is making a shitload of moves this offseason, isn't he? Today, he unloaded two more guys who were out of options in Rich Hill and Michael Wuertz. Does anyone see a big picture here? I'm at a loss. *Thanks to Jon for the heads-up. ... Read More

Assuming Rich Hill ends up getting traded to Baltimore, that is an awful lot of Cubs castoffs who have been traded to the Orioles. So, let's throw some of the "top" players into the Fukudome and see what we get. VS. VS. VS. Rich Hill Corey Patterson Felix Pie Sammy Sosa ... Read More

Let the games begin. The Cubs Convention is in town, which means tonight is the night you dorks congregate at Shitty O'Kea's. And that means I have to hide in my room with a pizza, a bottle of Jack, and a copy of Ass-Ass-In IV. Have fun, nerds. For those of you NOT going, you're even ... Read More

Jon (again) was either nice enough to point out that MLB.com is discontinuing the MLB Mailbags or was rubbing it in my face that HJE is now DOOMED because its main source of fun is no more. From the article: Unfortunately, it is my duty to inform you that the Mailbag, as we know it, is no more. MLB.com is doing away ... Read More

And to all a new Muskbag. It's tough coming up with content during the offseason, particularly when the only thing to talk about in regards to the Hot Stove is whether it would be cheaper to sign Mark Teixeira or build your own Mark Teixeira cyborg. If you try, make sure you don't monkey around by programming a ... Read More

In this week's Muskbag, we are once again reminded that Cubs fans are idiots who are clueless about the rules of baseball and are obsessed with bad players. If they LOSE 97 games next year, will some of these dimwits go away? I heard that Veal was picked by the Pirates in the Rule 5 Draft. What exactly does that ... Read More