Hire Jim Essian

And here's to you, Reed Johnson. We all love you more than Theriot, And Fontenot. You're so scrappy, Reed Johnson. We love to watch you make a diving play. Give fly balls chase. Smash your face.

Before we dive knuckles-first into this week's Muskbox, it's my duty to point out that tickets to tonight's compelling Cubs-Reds matchup are currently selling for ONE DOLLAR AND FORTY-EIGHT CENTS on StubHub. (HT: Ned Ryerson) If you've been waiting to see Rodrigo Lopez pitch, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE. SIDE NOTE: Anyone need two tickets for tonight's game? Face ... Read More

The Muskbox hasn't made an appearances since May 23. That's a long time for a lot of stupid questions to go unanswered. But this will be an interesting experiment. Will two months be enough time to fill a Muskbox with a handful of actual, good questions? Assuming the Muskbox receives only one query a day, at ... Read More

So it was prophesied that in the fourth month of the 2011th year, there would be much wailing, renting of garments, and gnashing of teeth of the loss of the tiny little soul of Sam Fuld. Is there any doubt that the same people crying that Sam Fuld is no longer in Chicago would be the same people complaining ... Read More

Returning to the Muskbox after a long weekend of making fun of Gordon Wittenmyer makes me realize what's really important in life. And that's knowing that, no matter how many Matchbox cars I shove up my nose, I will never be the stupidest Cub fan on this green-and-blue marble we call Earth. Especially not with Gordon still out there. Okay, ... Read More

I figured the Cubs were going to bring back backup catcher Koyie Hill, but did anyone have the return of Reed Johnson on their radar? Presumably, the Cubs were without a grizzled scrapper willing to run face-first into a brick wall and able to grow a foot-long beard in an eight-hour time frame. So, is this now the Cubs' 25-man ... Read More

Our latest installment of the Muskbox commits a fallacy of the undistributed middle, frets over the career of Micah Hoffpauir, and throws a wild kegger in Vinton, Iowa! Join me, won't you, on our weekly excursion into the minds of the mentally-impaired? Why don't the Cubs just go ahead and let Castro open the season at shortstop and move Ryan ... Read More

I was a little worried about Carrie after last week's Muskbox. After all her talk about Milton Bradley, I assumed he had come to life and captured her, especially when we didn't see her at Kitty O'Shea's Friday night. But, sure enough, the Muskbox is too dumb to even realize it is mortal. Who will be the Cubs leadoff ... Read More

Last week, we left the Muskbox on a romantic beach stroll with Ryan Theriot. This week, she's dining with Jim Edmonds, praising Scotty Pods, and MURDERING LIVING THINGS. What are the chances of the Cubs looking hard at re-signing Reed Johnson now that Mike Cameron is with the Red Sox? Reed was an absolute asset when healthy. How about finding ... Read More

Yesterday was a glorious day if you're a Cubs fan, a Notre Dame fan, and a fan of Chip Caray getting leprosy. I am all three of those. Charlie Weis' removal as the head football coach at Notre Dame was expected, but Chip Caray's dismissal from TBS was a pleasant surprise (thanks to all who alerted me to ... Read More