Hire Jim Essian

Bob Walk made 259 starts in his 14-season MLB career, and took only four showers. Perhaps one for each loss he suffered against the Chicago Cubs. It wouldn't surprise any Cubs fan of the 1980s to know that Bob Walk has a World Series ring. Or that Bob Walk was an All-Star. It might surprise the rest of the world, though. Throughout the course of his career, Walk pitched better against the Chicago Cubs than he did against any other team in Major League Baseball, which is why he threw his way to #16 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

When Bobby Abreu first became an MLB superstar, everyone said, "Hey, this guy hits like Sammy Sosa, except he draws walks and doesn't seem like as big an asshole! And, hey, he sort of looks exactly like a rounder Sammy Sosa! I wonder if he does steroids, too!" Perhaps, everyone. Perhaps. At least if you were a Cubs fans, it certainly APPEARED that Abreu did steroids. He was a tormentor of Cub pitching, and he slugged his way to #17 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Where were you on June 17, 2011? Did you know it was a historic date? Not only did the Cubs manage to defeat the mighty New York Yankees at Wrigley Field, but somehow DOUG DAVIS managed to defeat the New York Yankees at Wrigley Field. Oh, also, it was the first time in the history of Major ... Read More

It's going to be a sporadic week for posting, as I unexpectedly have to head out of town on Wednesday. But what sort of Hire Jim Essian would this be if I didn't acknowledge August 29 as the 42nd anniversary of the day the Philadelphia Phillies took a chance on an Armenian lad named James Sarkis Essian? On ... Read More

Von Hayes' parents were total dicks. Not only did they choose the first name "Von," but they went with the sum total of "Von Francis Hayes." Maybe that's why Hayes was filled with such vengeance. The career .267 hitter had a built-up fierceness in his blood. The beast within came out nearly every time Hayes played ... Read More

Billy Wagner has had a very long, very successful MLB career. Wagner was half of a lethal back end of a Houston Astros bullpen in the early '00s. Wagner saved games behind setup man Octavio Dotel. He's saved quite a few of them in his sixteen seasons. 422, to be precise. He might be stuck ... Read More

There are some members of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time who were still relatively successful players against MLB teams that WEREN'T the Cubs. The 37th biggest Cub Killer, Mike Fitzgerald, is not one of those guys. No, Fitzgerald was only a .235/.321/.346 hitter throughout the course of his ten-year career, which he spent mostly with ... Read More

Jim Thome's Major League Baseball career started in 1991, the same year as one James Sarkis Essian. Nearly TWENTY years after his rookie season, Thome managed to garner an AL MVP vote while compiling a .283/.412/.627 slash line with the 2010 Minnesota Twins. Thome has continued to be a productive hitter and, by all accounts, a very likeable, ... Read More

Oh, happy day! It's Crosstown Classic weekend! The weekend where two teams headed nowhere square off against one another and try to prove who cares less about playing one another. The answer? You fans. Also, me. I've been dealing with just the tips for the past two weeks, so we have some catching up ... Read More

Oh, Cubs. You're so collectively dumb. The pervasive organizational stupidity of this franchise is more consistent than Mariano Rivera. As you've probably already heard, Ted Lilly had arthroscopic surgery on his shoulder, and will miss the beginning of the season. In Cubs speak, that means he'll be back just before Jeff Samardzija makes his fifteenth start. ... Read More