Hire Jim Essian

A lot of the things I was hoping would happen during the 2012 season are happening. Marlon Byrd is gone. Ryan Dempster is pitching his way right off the Cubs. Starlin Castro is proving that he's just going to keep hitting. Darwin Barney is way less annoying this year. Pat Hughes got to honor Ron Santo by yelling, "Back to back jacks!" last night. Dale Sveum hasn't done anything overtly stupid so far.

At long last, Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer are officially official, and you can stop worrying that the Cubs would discover some way to screw up their hiring. The MLB can also stop worrying that the "contentious negotiations" between the Cubs and the Red Sox was distracting everyone from watching the World Series. This is how stupid Bud ... Read More

After you've enjoyed listening to Pat Hughes for four solid innings of baseball, Judd Sirott's Screaming Fifth Inning, brought to you by Fifth Third Bank, is as jarring as walking in on your parents boning. Not MY parents. YOUR parents. But I think I finally figured out what I find so annoying about Judd. I'm just ... Read More

Since "everyone" on the "staff" at HJE has managed to achieve social perfection, "we" decided to (not really) ask for the New Year's resolutions of your favorite Cubs (including new Cub Marlon Byrd). And your least favorite Cubs. And some other people. Jim Hendry: Sign a player to a deal for fewer than three years that doesn't include ... Read More

I didn't have much access to a television over the last couple of games, because I was doing a fair amount of driving. Although I love Pat Hughes as much as a man can love another man without some sort of lubricant, I prefer to watch the games on television when I get a chance. And while I ... Read More

So, I was driving along I-55 the other day (wait for cheering to die down) when I noticed this SUV in front of me that had, so help me God, the vanity license plate "POO MAN." This was the best picture I could get without slamming into the median or, worse, into the POO MAN. But that plate ... Read More

I have to admit, I'm a sucker for the "first of the year" list that is always released right after Opening Day. You know, the one that says who had the first RBI, who had the first home run, and who was the most-recent high-priced pitcher to whither under the pressure of pitching for the Yankees. Unfortunately, there ... Read More

Opening Day is finally here. Since you're all jobless losers, I assume you're going to be out drinking and watching the game tonight. And what's more fun than watching baseball and drinking? Why, watching baseball and BINGE drinking, of course! With that, here is your 2009 version of the Cubs Drinking Game. Play ball! ... Read More

11 more wins. That's all the Cubs need to collect to make the unthinkable thinkable and to set off what will be the most ridiculous party in the history of the city of Chicago. You know HJE has a plan to count this down in style. Below are my top eleven moments of the 2008 season (in ... Read More

First of all, thanks to TJ Brown for the picture. Secondly, holy crap. Is it really the end of September? It seems like just yesterday I was celebrating the birth of our country by firing explosives into the air and stuffing Lee Greenwood into a dumpster. Whaddya mean, "That WAS just yesterday"? Anyhow, it's time ... Read More