Hire Jim Essian

Before you didn't watch A.J. Pierzynski cheat the White Sox into the 2005 World Series, there was probably already something in your gut that made you hate him. Your gut was absolutely right. The nicest thing that fellow asshole Ozzie Guillen could say about Pierzynski is, "If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him a little less." For one thing, I didn't know assholes could smell their own. For a second thing, there is no way Ozzie Guillen said that as eloquently as that quote is written. For yet another thing, when even OZZIE GUILLEN thinks you're an asshole, it's time to take some serious stock of your life. Though Pierzynski's numbers against the Cubs have dropped in the last few years, I have no qualms about placing the infuriating mullet of A.J. Pierzynski at #7 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

The Muskbox rarely promises things to us commoners. All we're guaranteed is the occasional laugh, the frequent facepalm, and the knowledge of new places across the globe like...Terre Haute? But this week's Muskbox brings the promise of more frequent Muskboxes! It's the gift that keeps on giving, even when you desperately wish it would stop so you ... Read More

I haven't had the opportunity to watch Catching Hell, the horrible documentary on Steve Bartman. I feel obligated to do so, despite the fact that I've seen the infamous play more times than I've seen The Big Lebowski. Which is to say, a lot of times. Bartman has been through a lot, which is why it was ... Read More

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

Throughout the course of his 22 seasons as manager of the Chicago White Sox, Ozzie Guillen was a lot of things to a lot of people. Pariah. Messiah. Leader. Follower. Goat. Venezuelan. Understandable. Misunderstood. Controversial. Christ-like. Winner. Loser. Friend. Roman. Countryman. Healer. Not-stop-believer. ... Read More

Well now our tiny little eight-game hiccup is over, we're ready to right the ship and start beating up on some of the patsies in this league like the- Phillies? Goll durnit. Your tips are more appreciated than missing Roy Halladay in this series. Wait. We have to face him? SIGH. Bryce Harper is a colossal douche. I was woefully ... Read More

Happy New Year, folks. If you're at work on New Year's Eve, the least I can do for you is absolutely nothing. But I'll do slightly better than that and give you a light BROWSing. I hope you already have your resolutions in order. I resolve to read and cherish each and every one of your ... Read More

Now that some of the Blackhawks hysteria has worn off, it's time to focus on America's pastime. THE WORLD CUP! Unless you'd rather be watching Ryan Theriot lead off, you should probably get on the soccer bandwagon. USA! USA! USA! Your blue-blooded American tips can be sent here. Some of those tips end ... Read More

When I was growing up watching Cubs games with Harry Caray and Steve Stone in the booth, I'm ashamed to admit that I honestly thought Stone was a baseball genius. It blew my mind that Stone could prognosticate which pitch would be thrown in a certain situation or whether or not a batter would try to steal a base. ... Read More

With the Crosstown Classic in full crappy swing, there are plenty of hateworthy Sox players in town. Which leads us to our Fukudome. VS. Ozzie Guillen A.J. Pierzynski ... Read More