Hire Jim Essian

On Carl Everett's perfectly-flat planet, Kevin Mitchell is President of Earth, The New Girl is a great idea for a sitcom, and the Chicago Cubs are perennial World Series contenders. Oh, yeah, and dinosaurs didn't exist because God didn't mention them when he wrote the Bible. And God isn't a liar, idiot. Or should I say, "God isn't a liar, paleontologist?" Perhaps the reason Kenny Williams traded twenty-three players for Carl Everett is because Everett is #4 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

The early-2000s Milwaukee Brewers teams were absolutely terrible. From 2000-2003, the Brewers went 265-383, with a 106-loss season thrown into the mix. That is an abysmal .409 winning percentage. If you're a Cubs fan, and that surprises you, it's because the Brewers managed to go 32-31 against the Chicago Cubs during that same time period. In fact, the only team against whom the Brewers performed better was the Cincinnati Reds, against whom they went 34-32. The Brewers dominated Wrigley Field, winning 18 of 33 games on the road. They were the team version of a Cub killer in the early 2000s. Much of that anomalous record against the Cubs could be attributed to one man. One enormous, spindly, hideous tree of a man. The 12th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time. Richie Sexson.

A funny thing happens when one includes active players on a list of Cub-killing baseball players that takes over four and a half years to complete. Statistics CHANGE. So, when I compiled the T79 and started it way back on- June 24, 2007? Holy shit. Anyhow, Xavier Nady was a reasonable choice back then. There were guys higher up on the T79 whose statistics changed, and whom I was able to swap in and out of the lineup. Ryan Theriot comes to mind. But now that I'm at the top 20, I think I have to grin, bear, and just go for it. On my sealed master list of T79ers, buried in a vault beneath the McDonald's parking lot across from Wrigley Field, I made myself just one note: "absurd OPS vs. Cubs." It's no longer absurd, but my sheer stubborn will causes Xavier Nady to stay at #14 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

When Bobby Abreu first became an MLB superstar, everyone said, "Hey, this guy hits like Sammy Sosa, except he draws walks and doesn't seem like as big an asshole! And, hey, he sort of looks exactly like a rounder Sammy Sosa! I wonder if he does steroids, too!" Perhaps, everyone. Perhaps. At least if you were a Cubs fans, it certainly APPEARED that Abreu did steroids. He was a tormentor of Cub pitching, and he slugged his way to #17 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Was all of Dwight Gooden's 16-season MLB career reality, or was it just a figment of the imagination in the drug-addled mind of a user? No, it was reality. A reality that Cubs fans would just as soon forget. He grew up in a Tampa, Florida town, had a good-looking mama, and a papa who was around. ... Read More

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

Way back in 2002, the Cincinnati Reds revealed a slugger who was supposed to be Sosa- McGwire- and Bonds-esque in his ability to hit home runs. Despite his inability to draw walks, catch and throw a baseball, or either spell or pronounce the name "Willy," Wily Mo Pena was going to team up with Austin Kearns and Adam Dunn ... Read More

I hate the Yankees, I hate that they're in town, I hate that anyone cares that they're in town, and I hate that the media is going to talk about us more because the Yankees are in town. Okay? Is that enough of a sound bite for you? You want me to read it out loud? ... Read More

If there's one good thing about the 2011 Cubs season, it's that The Attendance Game has been a lot more interesting. Gone are the days when Pat and Ron could just guess somewhere in the neighborhood of 40,000 people at Wrigley and be within 2,000 fans. Especially not when the Cubs are playing against boring, bad NL Central ... Read More

You know it's nearly baseball season when you wake up in a cold sweat, having spent an exhausting night dreaming about bad baseball. Or when you're so desperate for baseball that you're voluntarily watching the Sox on TV. Which I'm doing RIGHT NOW. If you've been reading HJE since its inception (thanks for making THAT word impossible ... Read More