Hire Jim Essian

After a loooooong hiatus, the Muskbox has finally returned to half-answer all of your dumbest questions about the Cubs! The Muskbox is one of the few things that keeps me going during the offseason, so here's hoping that this is the first in a streak of many successful and hilarious fall and winter Muskboxes. CARRIE: It's been tough to ... Read More

In case you haven't noticed, David Kaplan has gradually been changing color from pasty white to Oompa Loompa. I can only imagine the change is for one of the following reasons: The Caucasian race has officially kicked him out. He's so dumb, his skin doesn't even realize he's white. He's going on a hunting trip with the Monsters in the Morning this ... Read More

From our good friend PAUL SULLIVAN, "Cubs call up Jake Fox and two others, send down Bobby Scales and Neal Cotts, put Aaron Miles on DL." Thanks to Waco Kid for noticing it. That's right. Neal Cotts AND Aaron Miles are not going to be in uniform for tonight's game. Sadly (but not REALLY sadly), neither will Bobby ... Read More

I was at the game last night with J-Kerm. When Neal Cotts came on to pitch, I turned to J-Kerm and said, "I guarantee they will not have the lead by the time Cotts leaves this game." Thanks for making me look brilliant, Neal. Even the eight-year-old kid behind me said, "Oh, WHY is he bringing in ... Read More

This week, Lou Piniella made the cryptic comment that Randy Wells will remain on the team after Carlos Zambrano returns, either in the bullpen or in the rotation. Once again, Sean Marshall appears to be the odd man out of the rotation. But if Wells is actually capable of being the fifth starter, Lou could move Marshall to ... Read More

Our good friend Hitler is back, and he's not too happy to hear that Aramis Ramirez is hurt. ... Read More

Did you almost turn off the TV Friday night when Aramis Ramirez went down? Did you curse, in the following order: (1) God, (2) Jim Hendry, and (3) Barry Rozner? I spent most of Saturday thinking about how screwed the Cubs are. Losing Aramis for any significant period of time is way worse than losing Carlos Zambrano. ... Read More

It's not a question of whether or not you've heard it this season. It's a question of how many times you've heard it. It's some variation of "This team would be so much better if they'd kept Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa." Maybe over the course of the season, those people will be right, but they sure ... Read More

Why is Kermit lying again? Click HERE to find out. The Cubs have released Neal Cotts into the wild in an effort to allow him to re-assimilate himself with his family, a band of mountaineers. Cotts, the worst member of a bad 2009 Cubs bullpen, was released Tuesday morning. Upon hearing the news, Cotts immediately killed and ate ... Read More

Last week, the Muskbox came out on Thursday, presumably because Carrie knows that Fridays at HJE are Sweet Uncle Lou's time to shine. But you can't hide the Muskbox from me, Carrie. Especially since it's so stupid, it emits an odor. So, here we go. Now that Jeff Samardzija has been sent to Triple-A Iowa, will he work ... Read More