Hire Jim Essian

When one thinks of the great families in baseball history, some names come to mind. The Alous. The Alomars. The Bondses. The Griffeys. The Ripkens. The...Cansecos? The Hairstons? But Cubs fans know that the greatest baseball family of all time is the Valentin family. The Valentin brothers, Jose and Javier, are the fifth-biggest Cub Killers of My Time.

Before you didn't watch A.J. Pierzynski cheat the White Sox into the 2005 World Series, there was probably already something in your gut that made you hate him. Your gut was absolutely right. The nicest thing that fellow asshole Ozzie Guillen could say about Pierzynski is, "If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him a little less." For one thing, I didn't know assholes could smell their own. For a second thing, there is no way Ozzie Guillen said that as eloquently as that quote is written. For yet another thing, when even OZZIE GUILLEN thinks you're an asshole, it's time to take some serious stock of your life. Though Pierzynski's numbers against the Cubs have dropped in the last few years, I have no qualms about placing the infuriating mullet of A.J. Pierzynski at #7 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

As good as John Smoltz was throughout the course of his 21-season MLB career, he'll always be remembered for being even better in the playoffs. Specifically, for Game 7 of the 1991 World Series, during which only a superhuman effort from Jack Morris led to a Minnesota Twins victory over Smoltz's Atlanta Braves. The game is regarded as ... Read More

Oh, how typical. The second I switch allegiances to the Twins, good things start happening to the Cubs. They go up to Milwaukee and absolutely annihilate the Brewers. Plus, a drunken Chad plummets to his near-death while trying to catch a batting practice foul ball, the rarest of rare foul balls. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow and ... Read More

If there's one thing that's absolutely infuriating about the Cubs, it's their mystifying inability to hit left-handed pitching. No, scratch that. If there's one thing that's absolutely infuriating about the Cubs, it's their 102-year championship drought. Number two is the other thing with the left-handers. A couple of offseasons ago, when Jim Hendry decided to make ... Read More

So, everyone from Richard Sandomir to Bwuce Levine is complaining about Chip Caray's awful call of the thrilling Game 163 between the Tigers and the Twins, followed up by his equally-brutal call of Game One of the ALDS. Everyone is absolutely right in their assertion that Caray is as terrible as he has ever been. On The Score ... Read More

Welcome to the merciful final weekend of the season. I can't honestly recommend watching us finish up the season against a bad Diamondbacks team, so instead I'll suggest that you pay attention to the only pennant race left. Kermit has made no secret of his unabashed love for the Minnesota Twins. I can hardly blame him. All of ... Read More

Because Tony Womack was the starting shortstop on the World Champion 2001 Diamondbacks, it's sometimes easy to forget how terrible he actually was in his 13 seasons as a Major League Baseball player. It's probably far easier to forget how terrible he was if you're a Cubs fan. After all, when Womack wasn't busy killing the Cubs from ... Read More

How will you be spending Jim Essian Day and your Jim Essian Weekend? It's May 22, 2009, the 18th anniversary of my Major League managerial debut. Everyone celebrates it differently. Here's a file photo of how Kerry Wood and the Cubs celebrated a recent Jim Essian Day. It was nice of them to remember me in such an inspiring way. In ... Read More

125 days in first place, and then this happens. It couldn't have happened to a classier team. Good luck with the Indians this weekend, Ozzhole! ... Read More