Hire Jim Essian

I'm pretty sure that this team will do whatever possible they can to make me miserable. When I want us to win, we lose. When I give up on the season and start rooting for the Pirates to win the whole thing, we get swept by the Brewers and then beat up on the Pirates. Your tips are as ... Read More

Travel back in time with me, if you will, to a time before the Cubs' "Cajun Connection" of former Louisiana State University players Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot. Years before that cute moniker was first used to describe the diminutive middle infielders, the Cubs had a GRITTY second baseman with beard stubble and a Tiger pedigree of his own. ... Read More

If the entry on the 35th biggest Cub killer of my time were printed out, there's a very good chance that Dave Parker would roll it up and snort the foul lines through it. Throughout the course of his 19-year MLB career, Parker killed almost as many Cub pitchers as brain cells. Though Parker was never seriously a ... Read More

(With sincere apologies to Dante Alighieri) Midway upon the journey through the T79 I found myself writing about Dante Bichette, For some horrible life choices had led me here. Ah me! How hard a thing it is to say What was the worst part of Dante Bichette. Whether his hair, his gap-toothed maw, or his unibrow. So bitter am I, having watched him bat against the ... Read More

Before Angel Guzman was around to tempt Cubs fans with his seemingly-limitless potential and seemingly-glass musculoskeletal structure, a skinny kid from the Dominican Republic rocketed through the Cubs' minor league system. By the time he was 21 years old, Juan Cruz looked and pitched like an old wise man. Cruz teased Cubs fans in the spring with his ... Read More

When I did a GIS for Prince Fielder, the top related search was "prince fielder fat." Indeed he is, oh prescient Google. Prince Fielder is so fat, he has to wake up in sections. He's so fat, Rickie Weeks jogs around him for exercise. He's so fat, if he leaves Milwaukee via free agency, Wisconsin will ... Read More

For much of the mid-2000s, the Milwaukee Brewers' rotation consisted of Ben Sheets and four indistinguishable jackasses who couldn't throw fastballs hard enough to break water and had an aggressive affinity at alliteration. I'm not one for ridiculous conspiracies, but there is absolutely no reason to believe that Dave Bush, Doug Davis, Gary Glover, and Chris Capuano are not ... Read More

Oh, how typical. The second I switch allegiances to the Twins, good things start happening to the Cubs. They go up to Milwaukee and absolutely annihilate the Brewers. Plus, a drunken Chad plummets to his near-death while trying to catch a batting practice foul ball, the rarest of rare foul balls. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow and ... Read More

This is apparently the time of year when most of your favorite Cubs blogs have abandoned talking about baseball for talking about football, and I can hardly blame them. But HJE is going to keep covering baseball, dammit. Look, after this week's sweep of the Pirates, we're only- Let's see- STILL ELEVEN AND A HALF GAMES ... Read More

In case you missed it yesterday, the Milwaukee Brewers signed Corey Patterson. Yes, the same Corey Patterson you know and hate. I hadn't seen many people talking about it this morning, and I was curious as to why. Perhaps it's because the only evidence anyone can find of the signing is a Tweet. Or a Facebook ... Read More