Hire Jim Essian

Carlos Lee likes killing the Cubs like a fat kid like Carlos Lee likes cake. For all of you atheist Cub fans out there, I understand your godless ways. After all, what sort of higher power would allow Carlos Lee to play all but 59 of his 1,952 career games wearing the uniform of Cub "rivals"? Old Testament, maybe? Wherever your faith lies, know this. If you didn't utter "GOD DAMMIT" during at least one Carlos Lee's 541 at-bats against the Cubs, then you'll never understand why he pounded his way to #8 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

The early-2000s Milwaukee Brewers teams were absolutely terrible. From 2000-2003, the Brewers went 265-383, with a 106-loss season thrown into the mix. That is an abysmal .409 winning percentage. If you're a Cubs fan, and that surprises you, it's because the Brewers managed to go 32-31 against the Chicago Cubs during that same time period. In fact, the only team against whom the Brewers performed better was the Cincinnati Reds, against whom they went 34-32. The Brewers dominated Wrigley Field, winning 18 of 33 games on the road. They were the team version of a Cub killer in the early 2000s. Much of that anomalous record against the Cubs could be attributed to one man. One enormous, spindly, hideous tree of a man. The 12th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time. Richie Sexson.

Here's a not-at-all-funny story of my life that has absolutely no payoff. In 2001, I was a starry-eyed high school teacher with two hundred dollars in my savings account, and not a care in the world. Including the educational futures of CHILDREN. In the midst of finals week, my brother-in-law called me on my Motorola i90c cellular phone (with push-to-talk functionality!) and asked if I wanted to go to the Cubs-Cardinals game at Wrigley Field that night. "But, brother-in-law," I said. "Surely, all of the tickets for tonight's game are sold out!"

Ha ha ha ha ha, you stupid assholes. You come to my site, you insult my readers, you insult my team, and you insult my writing. So, where are you now that my post about Ryan Braun having herpes is looking more and more to be 100% true, you fucking cowards? Are you going to come back and take your poison like men, or are you (as I expect) going to cling to internet anonymity and never show your pathetic, unfunny screen names on my site again?

So, some information has been brought to me that is far too hilarious to keep to myself. Let's get the standard disclaimers out of the way. THIS IS PROBABLY NOT TRUE. THIS IS BROUGHT TO ME THROUGH FRIENDS OF FRIENDS WHO KNOW PEOPLE THAT ARE IN THE ORGANIZATION. I will also point out in advance to Ryan Braun's crack legal team that truth is an ironclad defense against any allegations of libel. And, let's be honest, asking me to take this post down basically proves its truth. It's like when nude photos of a starlet get leaked and they freak out about trying to get them taken down. You're just calling MORE attention to your fantastic ass, Blake Lively.

I suspect that there will be a significant number of Cubs fans as pissed about Aramis Ramirez signing with the Brewers as some Cardinals fans were about Albert Pujols signing with the Angels. I suspect that because I'm not a dumbass, and I know there are stupid fans of every single professional team in sports. Unlike Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez deserves and should get a standing ovation the first time he returns to Wrigley Field in a Brewers jersey. Sadly, he'll probably be booed. Don't be those fans.

I was hoping to see Starlin Castro get his 200th hit at Wrigley Field, so I watched the game today. While he didn't become the first Cub since Juan Motherfucking Pierre to reach 200 hits, there were a couple notes from the game that I found interesting. The paid attendance was just over 30,000. While it is a Wednesday ... Read More

I'm pretty sure that this team will do whatever possible they can to make me miserable. When I want us to win, we lose. When I give up on the season and start rooting for the Pirates to win the whole thing, we get swept by the Brewers and then beat up on the Pirates. Your tips are as ... Read More

Travel back in time with me, if you will, to a time before the Cubs' "Cajun Connection" of former Louisiana State University players Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot. Years before that cute moniker was first used to describe the diminutive middle infielders, the Cubs had a GRITTY second baseman with beard stubble and a Tiger pedigree of his own. ... Read More

If the entry on the 35th biggest Cub killer of my time were printed out, there's a very good chance that Dave Parker would roll it up and snort the foul lines through it. Throughout the course of his 19-year MLB career, Parker killed almost as many Cub pitchers as brain cells. Though Parker was never seriously a ... Read More