Hire Jim Essian

In the offseason prior to the 2005 season, there were plenty of rumors floating around that the Cubs had an interest in signing switch-hitting, speedy center fielder Carlos Beltran. The rumors made sense. Not because the Cubs wanted to get Beltran off the roster of their NL Central foes, the Houston Astros. Not so Beltran would no longer be allowed to face Cub pitching. No, I suspect the Cubs just wanted to force Beltran to share a locker room with the pitchers upon whom he had inflicted so very much misery. To have to look into their eyes as the Cubs trudged toward a miserable fourth-place 2005 finish. To the dismay of Cubs fans, not only did Beltran pass on the Cubs' overtures, but he also stayed in the National League until the present day, giving him ample opportunity to hit his way up the ladder to #11 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

When I did a GIS for Prince Fielder, the top related search was "prince fielder fat." Indeed he is, oh prescient Google. Prince Fielder is so fat, he has to wake up in sections. He's so fat, Rickie Weeks jogs around him for exercise. He's so fat, if he leaves Milwaukee via free agency, Wisconsin will ... Read More

There's no slumpbuster like a Muskbox slumpbuster. Thanks to the idiocy of people who read Cubs.com and the continued nightmare that is the 2010 edition of the Chicago Cubs, the Muskbox continues to shine. In this week's Muskbox, a guy from Valparaiso asks about a player from Valparaiso, an Iowan is sick of watching Darwin Barney play in ... Read More

Well he pitches 'round the world, and he acts like a vagina. He gets pissed off at his teammates when they don't drop to their knees. He vanished from the team after acting like a whiner. Tell me where in the world is Carlos A. Zambrano? Drill Jim Edmonds in his anus, make Michael Barrett cry Uncle, From St. Louis to Cincy, they're laughing their ... Read More

Carrie is getting wilier as the eternal struggle between HJE and the Inbox rages on. Her latest ploy was to move the Muskbox to Thursday night. The only explanation that can possibly be is that she knows that Sweet Uncle Lou owns Friday's at HJE. But fear not. For every one of Carrie's thrusts, I have ... Read More

Where were you on March 9, 2007? Were you still celebrating the non-firing "firing" of Dusty Baker and the hiring of Lou Piniella? Were you toasting Juan Pierre's departure from the North Side of Chicago? Were you excited about the budding friendship between pitcher Carlos Zambrano and catcher Michael Barrett? The acquisitions of Alfonso Soriano and ... Read More

Maybe I'm just annoyed with how the weekend series has gone so far. Maybe it's because it seems like Todd Helton hits .800 against the Cubs. Maybe it's because such piles of shit as Neifi Perez, Aaron Miles, Shawn Estes, and Dusty Baker have associations with NL West teams. Maybe it's because of the outcome of the ... Read More

Before I forget, Kermit wanted me to let you all know that we've already filled two divisions of Neifiball, and are looking for eight more players to fill a third. If we fill a third, we'll add a fourth. If you're interested in playing, e-mail Kermit HERE and write "NEIFIBALL" in the header. Second, how about the ... Read More

Miss me, jerks? Yeah, I bet you did. Crying in your beers for the past couple weeks saying, "Uncle Lou! Uncle Lou! What did we do to deserve this quick playoff exit?" I don't have an answer for that, but if you're going to force me to say something, I'll go with masturbation. Anyhow, ... Read More

You finally get a Godfather quote and it's from Godfather III. How does THAT feel? Anyhow, I saw the Muskbag was back, and I couldn't let that aggression go unchecked. I noticed that Ryan Dempster is eligible to become a free agent this offseason. Are the Cubs going to re-sign him? Who else is eligible for free agency? -- Steve ... Read More