Hire Jim Essian

I'm not going to lie. I just really wanted to do a Staredad. And here it is, if you can't see it. But feel free to revel in the comments that Albert Pujols has not yet signed with the Cardinals. I'm sure The Best Fans in BaseballTM are rending their overalls and Zubaz, and The Genius ... Read More

Just when I thought the St. Louis Cardinals couldn't stick anything else in their asses, they surprised me by bringing back amnesiac Mark McGwire as Albert Pujols' "vitamins" supplier the Cardinals' hitting coach. It would by hypocritical of me to say too much about McGwire's past, since Sammy Sosa was going needle-for-needle with him in 1998. Of course, ... Read More

Is anyone else actually sort of enjoying the playoffs so far this year? After the Cubs were promptly eliminated for the last two years, you couldn't pay me to watch the postseason. This year, without the stress of knowing that the Cubs were lurking in the shadows waiting to sock us in the balls, my interest in the ... Read More

Thank you, Matt Holliday. Thank you so very much for last night. Sure, it may sound like sour grapes to laugh at the misfortunes of the Cardinals. And it most certainly is. There will be Cardinals fans saying things like, "Well, at least our team MADE the playoffs!" And they can go fuck themselves. ... Read More

Maybe I'm just annoyed with how the weekend series has gone so far. Maybe it's because it seems like Todd Helton hits .800 against the Cubs. Maybe it's because such piles of shit as Neifi Perez, Aaron Miles, Shawn Estes, and Dusty Baker have associations with NL West teams. Maybe it's because of the outcome of the ... Read More

I'm going to go ahead and give Carrie some credit. She may pick ludicrous questions to answer. She may pick decent questions and completely fail to answer them. And she might get her facts wrong sometimes. But at least she doesn't make stuff up, which makes her a better journalist than Burnt Sienna and Playgirl. ... Read More

Now that Matt Holliday is a Cardinal, I hate him. I hate his stupid swing. I hate his stupid face. I hate his stupid number. But, most of all, I hate his stupid jowls. So, let's put them in the Fukudome against Rick Ankiel, his number one Cardinals rival in the category of jowls. VS. Rick Ankiel Matt ... Read More

Carrie, you clever little vixen. You took a long break from the Muskbox, only to have it spring up on a Thursday. I bet you thought I'd be too busy posting the Roundup, Skip's Comment of the Week, and the Friday Night Fukudome to fisk it. The Muskbox will never escape my watchful gaze. Don't you think Wells ... Read More

In case you haven't noticed, David Kaplan has gradually been changing color from pasty white to Oompa Loompa. I can only imagine the change is for one of the following reasons: The Caucasian race has officially kicked him out. He's so dumb, his skin doesn't even realize he's white. He's going on a hunting trip with the Monsters in the Morning this ... Read More