Hire Jim Essian

Prepare for a glimpse into the writing of the Muskbox. When a new Muskbox crosses my feed reader, I excitedly open it and immediately cut-and-paste the content of the Muskbox into a new draft post. I don't like to read ahead, because I like my reactions to be like YOUR reactions when you read this nonsense. So, ... Read More

This week's Muskbox sadly came out just before Ryan Theriot was traded to the Cardinals, natural enemies of the Cub. But that's okay. I suspect that next week's Muskbox is going to be absolutely epic in its garment-rending. But fisking duty calls. Marlon Byrd was awesome in center field this year. Did he get any votes for a ... Read More

The Muskbox is generally a non-hilarious mix of the same four questions over and over again. WHY DID THE CUBBIES GIVE UP ON KERRY WOODS??? WHY ISN'T MICAH HOFFPOWER GETTING MORE PLAYING TIME??? WHY WON'T THE CUBS TRADE FOR ADAM DUNN??? WHAT TIME IS THE GAME ON JUNE 23RD??? But this week's Muskbox accomplishes a first. And I mean "first." EVERY SINGLE QUESTION is about first base. ... Read More

This week's Muskbox answers all of your late-season questions. But who will answer MY late-season questions, such as, "Why the hell does anyone have late-season questions?" Or, "When does the late season mercifully transmogrify into the offseason?" Muskbox AWAY! Reading one of your blog posts about salaries, you said... I'm going to stop you right there. Your dangling ... Read More

Hey, Marlon Byrd survived the All-Star Game, and Joey Votto is somehow pissed about that. I'll tell you who DIDN'T survive the All-Star Game. George Steinbrenner. Seriously, he didn't. Tips, as always, are wrapped in swaddling clothing and raised as my own. Roundup time. There are many ways to ruin a relationship. Just ask Anita. ... Read More

The joke is on me. I sat through that disaster of a game last night along with a bunch of other idiots. I don't want to relive the nightmare in my head, but I do want to know from you guys. Is this team better or worse than you expected? I think I said on Kaplan's ... Read More

Well, the Cubs finally broke Lou Piniella's brain. After yesterday's loss, George Castle asked Lou a reasonable question about whether Lou considered bunting Marlon Byrd to third base with no outs in the bottom of the 8th inning while trailing by a run. Bunting in that situation is a completely reasonable baseball strategy that would have made perfect ... Read More

So, the Cub bullpen has officially gotten terrible enough that they looked at Braden Looper. They looked at him, and what they saw there was...eternity. Looper's haunting eyes stared deep into Jim Hendry's soul. No, they saw through Jim Hendry's soul into the dark void beyond. As Jim continued to stare into Looper's eyes, he thought ... Read More

As promised, last night Lou Piniella shuffled his lineup against left-handed pitcher Jonathon Niese. Marlon Byrd led off, and scrappy shortstop Ryan Theriot batted eighth. If the Cubs are going to continue to insist that Theriot is a Major League Baseball player, the eighth spot is where he belongs. Except on days when Carlos Zambrano is pitching. ... Read More

It's Tax Day, and I'm having a shitty one. What better time to turn my glower to this week's Muskbox? None. None better time. Get your Tyler Colvin boners out, because they're about to get a rubdown. Why did the Cubs sign Marlon Byrd? To play center field. Next question, asshole. They have Tyler Colvin, who is big ... Read More