Hire Jim Essian

A lot of the things I was hoping would happen during the 2012 season are happening. Marlon Byrd is gone. Ryan Dempster is pitching his way right off the Cubs. Starlin Castro is proving that he's just going to keep hitting. Darwin Barney is way less annoying this year. Pat Hughes got to honor Ron Santo by yelling, "Back to back jacks!" last night. Dale Sveum hasn't done anything overtly stupid so far.

Is sixteen games into the season too early to take stock? Marlon Byrd and his .070 batting average are no longer Cubs. Ryan Dempster, the (shudder) longest-continuous-tenured Cub, and Kerry Wood, the longest-tenured Cub who everyone doesn't hate are both shelved with injuries. Alfonso Soriano has eleven hits so far, and not a one of them went for extra bases. David DeJesus and Matt Garza are wondering just what the fuck they're doing in Cubs uniforms. The best hitter on the team is Bryan LaHair. The recently-exonerated Starlin Castro is already setting pace to prove that, yes, he can actually hit. He's third in the NL with 23 hits so far, he's fifth in batting average at .365, and under the aggressive Dale Sveum, he's already nabbed seven bases. He stole 22 all last year.

The worst part about the offseason is having to waste time talking about Cubs players who aren't actually a part of the team. Players like, oh, say, Tony Campana, Hayden Simpson, and Brett Jackson. Now that the 2012 season is in full swing, and we have actual, meaningful baseball to discuss, GUESS WHO THIS WEEK'S MUSKBOX WANTS TO DISCUSS???

With "Play Ball!" Day rapidly approaching, fluff pieces about bunting tournaments and Alfonso Soriano leading off are giving way to real news. Like Ryan Dempster getting another Opening Day start despite Matt Garza being a far better pitcher, comedian, and human being.

If there's one thing Carrie Muskat is obsessed with, it's bobby pins. If there are two things she is obsessed with, those things are bobby pins and tiny, bad baseball players. That's probably why her last two articles have had more Tony Campana in them than his baseball hat does. Yes, this week's Muskbox is seriously discussing a guy who really shouldn't be on the roster by the end of February. Love the Muskbox or hate it. At least it's consistent.

I suspect that there will be a significant number of Cubs fans as pissed about Aramis Ramirez signing with the Brewers as some Cardinals fans were about Albert Pujols signing with the Angels. I suspect that because I'm not a dumbass, and I know there are stupid fans of every single professional team in sports. Unlike Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez deserves and should get a standing ovation the first time he returns to Wrigley Field in a Brewers jersey. Sadly, he'll probably be booed. Don't be those fans.

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

There is a very real and sad possibility that last week's Muskbox may be the last one of the season. Meaning they will certainly address those last remaining questions you have about the Cubs. All of the important stuff, like HOW DID THE CUBS FARE WITH RUNNERS IN SCORING POSITION IN 2000??? The Muskbox is nothing if ... Read More

Before we dive knuckles-first into this week's Muskbox, it's my duty to point out that tickets to tonight's compelling Cubs-Reds matchup are currently selling for ONE DOLLAR AND FORTY-EIGHT CENTS on StubHub. (HT: Ned Ryerson) If you've been waiting to see Rodrigo Lopez pitch, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE. SIDE NOTE: Anyone need two tickets for tonight's game? Face ... Read More

It's an unprecedented week for the Muskbox. For once, there are more answers than questions. More tit than tat. More John Grabow jokes than zero. And, most importantly, injury reports! It's everything you dreamed the Muskbox could be before you woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that you're dreaming about the Muskbox. It's the culmination ... Read More