Hire Jim Essian

Laugh it up, assholes. Just because I pass on grass doesn't mean you dorks aren't still dorks. There are lots of good things in this Roundup thanks, in part, to your tips. But mostly in part to me. Seriously, thanks for all the great tips. Keep them coming. Almost all of them were things ... Read More

You panicky little nerds. Do you feel better now that we're only a half game out of first place? Does it bring you joy to see us win four in a row? Are you wetting the roomy crotches of your pants after the bullpen actually managed to string together some outs? Are you ready to climb ... Read More

You can just imagine my jubilation when I read the title to this week's Muskbox. "How Clutch is Theriot?" the Muskbox inquired. "THIS MANY!" Theriot responded, holding up three fingers on his right hand and one finger on his left hand. And that's how this Muskbox was born. I know Ryan Theriot has had some clutch hits recently, ... Read More

So, wait, you Catholics are forced to eat meat now, right? Or you have do drink blood, or something? Well, whatever you have to do, have fun doing it. Mike D. sent me this picture of our cars getting dropped off at Wrigley. I'm not sure why they needed a truck. They should have just ... Read More

BAD KERMIT: There's not much interesting going on this week. SWEET UNCLE LOU: That's bad. BAD KERMIT: Well, I guess the World Series might be an interesting matchup. SWEET UNCLE LOU: That's good! BAD KERMIT: But the Tampa Bay Rays are playing in it. SWEET UNCLE LOU: That's bad. BAD KERMIT: But the National League won Game One. SWEET UNCLE ... Read More

You finally get a Godfather quote and it's from Godfather III. How does THAT feel? Anyhow, I saw the Muskbag was back, and I couldn't let that aggression go unchecked. I noticed that Ryan Dempster is eligible to become a free agent this offseason. Are the Cubs going to re-sign him? Who else is eligible for free agency? -- Steve ... Read More

Why wouldn't the first Cub no-hitter in 36 years happen under the most unusual of circumstances? With Hurricane Ike doing a number on the Houston area, the Astros were forced to play a "home" game against the Cubs at Wrigley North. No one looked more at home at Miller Park than Carlos Zambrano did, as he faced only ... Read More

With Dusty Baker in town with his old familiar dumbassery and excuse-making in tow, it's easy to think he is the stupidest manager in the National League Central, and he very well may be. But Ned Yost is sure making it interesting, isn't he? Yost's handling of CC Sabathia in Sabathia's nine starts since he came over to ... Read More

It appears that, underneath all of Mark Prior's recent injuries has lingered a whole other injury, that is the likely result of: traumatic events, usually from a fall. If said "traumatic event" turn out to be Prior's full-on collision with the gnomish Marcus Giles in 2003, then I guess that little prick Giles can now be seated alongside Earl Averill, ... Read More

As if a 7-0 homestand, an MLB-best 36-21 record, and an upcoming road trip against the hapless San Diego Padres and Los Angeles Dodgers aren't reason enough for a Cubs fan to be damn near giddy about the 2008 season, the good news keeps rolling in. When Jim Hendry refused to give Mark Prior more than what he was ... Read More