Hire Jim Essian

After four years, six months, and 26 days, we have finally arrived at the top ten. This final stretch is going to be equal parts fun and nightmarish. And we start with Jon Miller's dream player: a Latino man who likes to have his name pronounce incorrectly. A man who has one of the shortest professional careers of any player on the T79. A man whose name I would suspect is more well-known by Cubs fans than by Mets fans, even though he played for the latter. A man whom I once drunkenly asked if he wanted a hot dog when he was playing right field on a cold May afternoon at Wrigley Field. Victor Diaz, the tenth-biggest Cub Killer of My Time.

Look! Up in the air! It's a middle infielder nearly as short as the ones the Cubs love collecting! It's an average second baseman who put up average numbers against most of the teams in the National League! It's a tiny little guy who mysteriously starting slamming home runs, but then shrunk and couldn't stay ... Read More

There are two things that stand out in the career of Vinny Castilla. His dark, flowing mullet and the horrible things he did to Cub pitching throughout the course of his 16 MLB seasons. Cub pitchers breathed a collective sigh of relief when the former Rockie, Brave, National, Astro, and Devil Ray retired after the 2006 season. ... Read More

Let's all try to refrain from punching one another and enjoy the awesomeness of this week's Roundup. In case you weren't aware, your tips are as appreciated as Carlos Silva's Twinkie-filling IV. Seriously, though. As nice as it was to unload Milton Bradley, this disgusting, terrible fuck is rapidly working his way up the list of least-likable ... Read More

The image to your right is just one of the many amazing/infuriating ones you'll find among these 10 years of Ronnie Woo photographs. (HT: Luis) The pictures reveal the answers to so many mysteries. Did you know Ronnie has a daughter? Did you know he's never been sober? Did you know he likes to chase ... Read More

I kid you not. The new Muskbox image was barely altered. Yes, there was a giant amount of white space where the HJE logo now sits. I like to imagine when Carrie saw it, she let out an exasperated sigh. Anyhow, I love it, I have adopted it, and I am embracing it. I completely ... Read More

Carrie is getting wilier as the eternal struggle between HJE and the Inbox rages on. Her latest ploy was to move the Muskbox to Thursday night. The only explanation that can possibly be is that she knows that Sweet Uncle Lou owns Friday's at HJE. But fear not. For every one of Carrie's thrusts, I have ... Read More

Oh, good to see you nerds. I figured everyone on the planet, including Chad Ochocinco, is playing Modern Warfare 2. When he's not Tweeting two hundred times a day. Thanks as always for the tips. How many times do you think Hef will get asked, "Do the Bunnies come with the deal?" If you can't afford the Bunnies, certainly ... Read More

Because Tony Womack was the starting shortstop on the World Champion 2001 Diamondbacks, it's sometimes easy to forget how terrible he actually was in his 13 seasons as a Major League Baseball player. It's probably far easier to forget how terrible he was if you're a Cubs fan. After all, when Womack wasn't busy killing the Cubs from ... Read More

No, not that Maddux. He's not going to need your votes. Kermit's dog Maddux is in a "cutest dog" competition. The site is most likely bullshit, but vote, anyhow, because Kermit likes to win things, even when the wins are made-up and he had nothing to do with the victory. Roundup tips, as always, are appreciated. Speaking ... Read More