Hire Jim Essian

You can just imagine my jubilation when I read the title to this week's Muskbox. "How Clutch is Theriot?" the Muskbox inquired. "THIS MANY!" Theriot responded, holding up three fingers on his right hand and one finger on his left hand. And that's how this Muskbox was born. I know Ryan Theriot has had some clutch hits recently, ... Read More

Last week, the Muskbox came out on Thursday, presumably because Carrie knows that Fridays at HJE are Sweet Uncle Lou's time to shine. But you can't hide the Muskbox from me, Carrie. Especially since it's so stupid, it emits an odor. So, here we go. Now that Jeff Samardzija has been sent to Triple-A Iowa, will he work ... Read More

Phil Rogers is out of his goddamn mind. In his first Power Rankings of the season, he ranks Shea Stadium's big apple as #7. Even MetsMan1980 knows that the apple is at best a fifteen seed. Rogers also ranks "Greed" in his MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL POWER RANKINGS. So, we're left with 32 slots for 30 teams. ... Read More

Opening Day is finally here. Since you're all jobless losers, I assume you're going to be out drinking and watching the game tonight. And what's more fun than watching baseball and drinking? Why, watching baseball and BINGE drinking, of course! With that, here is your 2009 version of the Cubs Drinking Game. Play ball! ... Read More

How long has the Muskbag been back in Muskbox form? A couple of months? Why is this still at the top of every single one? The mailbag is back, but it's now the Inbox... Are there people out there so hopelessly confused that they can't find this column? Some Dipshit's Thoughts: I think I'll head to my favorite site, Cubs.com, to see ... Read More

For some reason, the Muskbox is mercifully short this week. Maybe Care Bear had something better to do. Like train her flying monkeys to attack that bitch from Kansas. Away we go. I haven't been able to follow the Cubs' spring as much as I'd like to, being on the East Coast, but what are Koyie Hill's chances ... Read More

I don't know what it is, but I have absolutely no interest in Spring Training this season. Maybe it's the fact that there are basically only two position "battles" going on this spring, one of which includes two guys who couldn't get into a rated R movie if they stood on each other's shoulders and wore a trenchcoat and ... Read More

Let the games begin. The Cubs Convention is in town, which means tonight is the night you dorks congregate at Shitty O'Kea's. And that means I have to hide in my room with a pizza, a bottle of Jack, and a copy of Ass-Ass-In IV. Have fun, nerds. For those of you NOT going, you're even ... Read More

Jim Hendry has been suddenly busy this offseason, as today he finally shipped Jason Marquis to the Colorado Rockies for Luis Vizcaino (thanks to Jon for the tip). There's no link, but the Cubs e-mailed out a press release. Vizcaino is crap, and the Cubs have plenty of starters, so this is a salary dump. But that's ... Read More

The Colorado Rockies are talking seriously with the Cubs about a deal that would send Jason Marquis to the Rockies and Luis Vizcaino to the Cubs. I'll give you a minute to wipe the coffee off your monitor. Ready? Let's move on. Vizcaino is not good, and he's a drunk. What does he have going ... Read More