Hire Jim Essian

Here's a not-at-all-funny story of my life that has absolutely no payoff. In 2001, I was a starry-eyed high school teacher with two hundred dollars in my savings account, and not a care in the world. Including the educational futures of CHILDREN. In the midst of finals week, my brother-in-law called me on my Motorola i90c cellular phone (with push-to-talk functionality!) and asked if I wanted to go to the Cubs-Cardinals game at Wrigley Field that night. "But, brother-in-law," I said. "Surely, all of the tickets for tonight's game are sold out!"

Where were you on June 17, 2011? Did you know it was a historic date? Not only did the Cubs manage to defeat the mighty New York Yankees at Wrigley Field, but somehow DOUG DAVIS managed to defeat the New York Yankees at Wrigley Field. Oh, also, it was the first time in the history of Major ... Read More

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

I offer you this submission. Never has there been a more hate-worthy Cub shortstop than Ryan Theriot. Not Jeff Blauser. Not Neifi Perez. Not Alex Gonzalez. Not Ronny Cedeno. All of those guys were terrible, but they either had some redeeming moments (Gonzalez), were hated solely because of misuse (Perez), were harmless simpletons (Cedeno), ... Read More

When I did a GIS for Prince Fielder, the top related search was "prince fielder fat." Indeed he is, oh prescient Google. Prince Fielder is so fat, he has to wake up in sections. He's so fat, Rickie Weeks jogs around him for exercise. He's so fat, if he leaves Milwaukee via free agency, Wisconsin will ... Read More

I've been meaning to write about Mike Quade for some time now. I'm not questioning whether or not Mike Quade will or will not be a good manager. But he's been driving me nuts so far. In the first 39 games of the 2011 season, Quade has penciled in 32 different lineups. Starlin Castro, the Cubs' ... Read More

Here follow the words between myself and the Millar. When Lou Piniella had ended his career in a Cub uniform, in the entire crowd was there nobody, young or old, who did not say it was a noble history and worthy to be called to mind; and especially each of the gentle people. "Back-to-back playoff appearances!" one shouted. "Four and seventeen ... Read More

After a weirdly busy week, I'm refreshed, enthusiastic, and ready to tackle these last few Spring Training games. In case you haven't noticed. And, judging by ticket sales, you haven't. The season starts in 11 days. God help me, I'm getting excited about it. Perhaps because I'm sober for the first time since Thursday. ... Read More

Another year of Muskboxing begins with a bang. Not a fun bang. More like a, "Seeing some dude bang your sister" bang. If the Muskbox were to resolve one thing this year, well, that would be one more thing that they resolved in all of the collective years prior to this year. And that would be ... Read More

They're trying to steal Lou, and they just nabbed Larry Rothschild. Rothschild takes an undeserved beating from a lot of Cubs fans, presumably because of Dusty Baker's reign of career-destroying terror. The fact is, Rothschild is a hell of a pitching coach. Get the dreams of Greg Maddux as pitching coach out of your head right now. As ... Read More