Hire Jim Essian

On Carl Everett's perfectly-flat planet, Kevin Mitchell is President of Earth, The New Girl is a great idea for a sitcom, and the Chicago Cubs are perennial World Series contenders. Oh, yeah, and dinosaurs didn't exist because God didn't mention them when he wrote the Bible. And God isn't a liar, idiot. Or should I say, "God isn't a liar, paleontologist?" Perhaps the reason Kenny Williams traded twenty-three players for Carl Everett is because Everett is #4 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Paul Konerko has long been the most popular member of the White Sox. And why not? Sure, he looks like a record-store clerk, but he can hit, and he allegedly help the White Sox to a World Series title in 2005. Plus, the overweight female population alone has kept XXL Konerko jerseys in huge demand. His fans' jerseys, however, aren't the only thing XXL about Konerko's career. The first baseman's career numbers against the Cubs earned him the 20th spot on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Travel back in time with me, if you will, to a time before the Cubs' "Cajun Connection" of former Louisiana State University players Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot. Years before that cute moniker was first used to describe the diminutive middle infielders, the Cubs had a GRITTY second baseman with beard stubble and a Tiger pedigree of his own. ... Read More

OBSERVE WHAT I DID IN THE TITLE! Don't forget about tonight's madness at Shitty O'Kea's, starting around 8:00ish, and ending when either they or we run out of booze. Your BROWSing tips are what make me want to go to another Convention with a pasted-on, horrifying smile on my face. So, keep them coming. I doubt anyone will ... Read More

If there's one sports radio refrain that annoys me, it's, "Tom Ricketts is being SO SMART AND CAREFUL about his evaluation of Jim Hendry." Bullshit. The Cubs are now halfway through their first season under Ricketts' ownership. They're 39-50, with the third-highest payroll in all of Major League Baseball. The only two more expensive teams are ... Read More

Hey, did you notice how me and Carlos have what us Spaniards might call a relationship that has gone "frio"? We barely speak anymore, he doesn't return my phone calls, and he's only pitched 7 2/3 innings since he was moved to the bullpen. So, what gives? More importantly, does anyone care? It's been a loooooong ... Read More

Well, you can tell it's almost spring. Guzman is already hurt, I've already mistaken Theriot for the batboy, and Dempster and Millar are already annoying the shit out of me. I guess it's nice to be back, but if they change this clown suits we have to wear in the spring one more time, so help me God, ... Read More

Happy Valentine's Day weekend, virgins! The only thing sadder than getting shot down by desperate cougars at your local taverns tomorrow night is- Well, nothing. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. May your failure at the bars be as epically hilarious as a Ryan Dempster Game One playoff start. Each tip you leave me ... Read More

The further removed we get from the Milton Bradley suspension, the angrier I get at both sides. Milton Bradley is a raging asshole who brought all of his made-up woe upon himself. But Jim Hendry's reaction to Bradley's latest antics is infuriating as well. But if Tom Ricketts knows what he's doing, the Bradley suspension should be ... Read More

There are times when my mind wanders to the question, "What is Kyle Farnsworth doing right now?" Usually, I assume the answer is, "Pouring itching powder into David DeJesus' jock and giving Mike Aviles a swirly." But I would have been wrong yesterday. Because yesterday, Farnsworth was getting eaten by his own dogs. Farnsworth was always good for ... Read More