Hire Jim Essian

Before you didn't watch A.J. Pierzynski cheat the White Sox into the 2005 World Series, there was probably already something in your gut that made you hate him. Your gut was absolutely right. The nicest thing that fellow asshole Ozzie Guillen could say about Pierzynski is, "If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him a little less." For one thing, I didn't know assholes could smell their own. For a second thing, there is no way Ozzie Guillen said that as eloquently as that quote is written. For yet another thing, when even OZZIE GUILLEN thinks you're an asshole, it's time to take some serious stock of your life. Though Pierzynski's numbers against the Cubs have dropped in the last few years, I have no qualms about placing the infuriating mullet of A.J. Pierzynski at #7 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Dear Mr. Epstein and Mr. Hoyer, Congratulations to you both on the new positions in Chicago. As you may have already noticed, the city of Chicago is pretty goddamned happy that you're here. We've suffered under such an inept regime for such a long time, that we don't really know how to react to good news about the Cubs. I'm not going to apologize for the actions of psychopaths, but that's part of the reason people were creepily watching you drink coffee and walk around, Mr. Epstein. Um, and you, too, Mr. Hoyer. I suppose.

After a week of mediocrity in the Muskbox, the dummies are back out in full force. As I have long feared, Muskbox Nation still has no idea that Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer are trying to build a franchise capable of long-term, sustained success. The Muskboxers want to WIN NOW, and will accept nothing less than a first-place finish in the National League Central. Theo might want to avoid the Cub Convention this weekend entirely if he doesn't want to have to answer questions like, "HOW COME ANGEL GUZMAN ISN'T INVOLVED IN THE LONG-TERM PLANS?"

All you need to know about the MLB's new collective bargaining agreement is here. Finally, the constant interleague games that baseball fans everywhere DEMANDED will be reality. Finally, the Cubs won't be in the biggest division in baseball. Finally, Bud Selig avoided the pesky nuisance of having to occasionally host a thrilling Game 163. But that's all bookkeeping. All you need to know EMOTIONALLY is HERE. I'm pointing at your heart right now. Because the departure of the Houston Astros from the National League Central is the end of some good times. Ten of them, exactly. And here they are.

There was a time not so long ago when Adam Dunn was a legitimate threat to use a baseball bat to make contact with a baseball. A simpler time, when Dunn was a National League player forced to run around uncomfortably in the infield or outfield with a glove on his hand. A time when Dunn would positively VORP your face off, even as radio callers would complain about his copious strikeouts and "three possible outcomes" approach to hitting. It was in this far simpler time that the man who would become the 19th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time was born.

Paul Konerko has long been the most popular member of the White Sox. And why not? Sure, he looks like a record-store clerk, but he can hit, and he allegedly help the White Sox to a World Series title in 2005. Plus, the overweight female population alone has kept XXL Konerko jerseys in huge demand. His fans' jerseys, however, aren't the only thing XXL about Konerko's career. The first baseman's career numbers against the Cubs earned him the 20th spot on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

One of my favorite parts of the Muskbox is the teaser question that introduces the article. They are rarely actual sentences, and they can almost always be answered with one word. That word is usually “nope.” This week’s teaser is no exception. “Loyalty a factor in manager search?” “Nope.” To elaborate on that, the Cubs no longer have an idiot running the baseball operations. This week’s Muskbox tackles that controversial question and more! Let the dumbening begin!

If there's one person to whom the Giles brothers should apologize, that man is their father. Because these jowly, square-headed weirdos had to have just RUINED their mother. If there's a second person to whom the Giles brother should apologize, it's me. Because they have just RUINED Cub pitching. That's why, after Marcus made his way ... Read More

Somewhere in the MLB Network studios, Sean Casey is still running out a double that he hit in 2006, his last year in the National League Central. That double was likely hit against a Cub pitcher. You see, the pudgy, slow-footed, affable Sean Casey did some of the best work of his 12-season career against the Chicago Cubs. ... Read More

It would appear that James Russell is not capable of filling in for either Andrew Cashner or Randy Wells. Hell, tonight's performance aside, Ryan Dempster isn't capable of filling in for them, either. Since it's insane to repeat the same thing over and over and expect different results, there's really no reason that Mike Quade shouldn't throw a ... Read More