Hire Jim Essian

In the offseason prior to the 2005 season, there were plenty of rumors floating around that the Cubs had an interest in signing switch-hitting, speedy center fielder Carlos Beltran. The rumors made sense. Not because the Cubs wanted to get Beltran off the roster of their NL Central foes, the Houston Astros. Not so Beltran would no longer be allowed to face Cub pitching. No, I suspect the Cubs just wanted to force Beltran to share a locker room with the pitchers upon whom he had inflicted so very much misery. To have to look into their eyes as the Cubs trudged toward a miserable fourth-place 2005 finish. To the dismay of Cubs fans, not only did Beltran pass on the Cubs' overtures, but he also stayed in the National League until the present day, giving him ample opportunity to hit his way up the ladder to #11 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Before Angel Guzman was around to tempt Cubs fans with his seemingly-limitless potential and seemingly-glass musculoskeletal structure, a skinny kid from the Dominican Republic rocketed through the Cubs' minor league system. By the time he was 21 years old, Juan Cruz looked and pitched like an old wise man. Cruz teased Cubs fans in the spring with his ... Read More

Oh, how typical. The second I switch allegiances to the Twins, good things start happening to the Cubs. They go up to Milwaukee and absolutely annihilate the Brewers. Plus, a drunken Chad plummets to his near-death while trying to catch a batting practice foul ball, the rarest of rare foul balls. (HT: Grow Stubs Grow and ... Read More

Rumor has it (and thanks to Oleg for the tip) that the Cubs are about to sign former Devil Ray and former Kansas City Royal outfielder Joey Gathright. He's fast, and he can catch the ball, so the signing would make sense for, say, the Bears. But he can't hit. Like, at all. Unless you count ... Read More

There aren't a whole lot of things you can say about Greg Maddux which Kermit didn't already say. But this Roundup is going to be dedicated to the Ph.D. of pitchers, anyhow. Thanks for all of the memories, Greg. Here's the Roundup: If HJE hasn't done a good enough job professing our man love for Maddux, is it ... Read More

EDIT: It's come to my attention from my good friend PAUL SULLIVAN (through Dolan) that Carrie Muskat's father recently passed away. I know I have my fun at Carrie's expense on a weekly basis, but mine and I hope your thoughts and prayers are with the Muskat family in their time of grief. Oh, hey, I forgot to say ... Read More

This week's Muskbag somehow manages to revisit Rich Hill. No one revisits Rich Hill. Rich Hill isn't even going to have visitors at his house for Thanksgiving. But the Muskbag has all the Rich Hill coverage you could possibly want. I've been hearing that the Cubs are trying to shop Kosuke Fukudome. I'm not sure why they're trying ... Read More

Jeff Conine has been beating up on the Cubs since before you were born. At least if you're in high school. Conine's seventeen-year career was marked by consistency. You were pretty safe counting on Conine for about a .285/.350/.450 line throughout the course of his career. Unless, of course, he was playing the Cubs. In ... Read More