Hire Jim Essian

It's hard to imagine that Neifi Neftali Perez was a bigger liability to the Cubs when off their roster than when on it. When last we left Neifi over four years ago, he was being honored as the second-worst Cub of my time. Now here we sit, eagerly awaiting his official retirement from baseball so that his Hall of Fame eligibility clock can begin its insistent ticking. Surely, a man with a career .297 OBP will not get a call from the Hall of Fame. He would, however, if the BBWAA considered only Neifi's statistics against the Cubs. His career pursuit of those numbers caused Neifi to scrap his way all the way up to #18 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

I suspect that there will be a significant number of Cubs fans as pissed about Aramis Ramirez signing with the Brewers as some Cardinals fans were about Albert Pujols signing with the Angels. I suspect that because I'm not a dumbass, and I know there are stupid fans of every single professional team in sports. Unlike Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez deserves and should get a standing ovation the first time he returns to Wrigley Field in a Brewers jersey. Sadly, he'll probably be booed. Don't be those fans.

It looks like Al Yellon isn't the only one baffled by everything that has to do with the corporate world. "THESE CUBICLES ARE MAZES OF MYSTERY AND INTRIGUE!!!" Some other dope in this week's Muskbox can't fathom how there can be a president AND a general manager. IT'S AS THOUGH THEY ARE TRYING TO DIVIDE THE LABOR ... Read More

Considering that everyone has been talking about Mike Quade's replacement since the hiring of Theo Epstein, it was really no surprise that today the Cubs announced that the bald incompetent won't be back next season. (HT: Pre) Quade did more than enough goofy, nigh-indefensible things this season to merit his dismissal, and his reign as Cubs manager was ... Read More

As Theo Epstein Week continues, two things have occurred: I feel absolutely terrible for Jed Hoyer. He's a damn good general manager. Has anyone seen HIM at Starbucks? Has anyone stalked HIM and said creepy things about how they've been waiting for him for 103 years? Has anyone introduced HIM to Ronnie Woo-Woo? Steve Rosenbloom has declared the ... Read More

At long last, Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer are officially official, and you can stop worrying that the Cubs would discover some way to screw up their hiring. The MLB can also stop worrying that the "contentious negotiations" between the Cubs and the Red Sox was distracting everyone from watching the World Series. This is how stupid Bud ... Read More

I haven't had the opportunity to watch Catching Hell, the horrible documentary on Steve Bartman. I feel obligated to do so, despite the fact that I've seen the infamous play more times than I've seen The Big Lebowski. Which is to say, a lot of times. Bartman has been through a lot, which is why it was ... Read More

I had the good fortune to see Moneyball last night. While I thoroughly enjoyed not only Brad Pitt's performance as Billy Beane, but also Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin, and Stan Chervin's adaptation of a non-fiction book into a full-fledged story, I was depressed throughout the whole movie. The four baseball fans in Oakland are spoiled to have a ... Read More

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

Whenever a team lets a player go for no compensation, although they say all the right things and wish him well, they are secretly hoping that the player sucks throughout the course of his career. You hope he becomes Mark Prior or Matt Clement or Rueben Quevedo. You certainly don't want him to become the greatest pitcher of ... Read More