Hire Jim Essian

The worst part about the offseason is having to waste time talking about Cubs players who aren't actually a part of the team. Players like, oh, say, Tony Campana, Hayden Simpson, and Brett Jackson. Now that the 2012 season is in full swing, and we have actual, meaningful baseball to discuss, GUESS WHO THIS WEEK'S MUSKBOX WANTS TO DISCUSS???

The always-informative Muskbox is back after a busy end to Spring Training. Since Carrie hasn't had to write up many Cub wins so far, she's been busily answering your most probing questions. You're about to get probed by the Muskbox. MIND PROBED.

After a week of mediocrity in the Muskbox, the dummies are back out in full force. As I have long feared, Muskbox Nation still has no idea that Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer are trying to build a franchise capable of long-term, sustained success. The Muskboxers want to WIN NOW, and will accept nothing less than a first-place finish in the National League Central. Theo might want to avoid the Cub Convention this weekend entirely if he doesn't want to have to answer questions like, "HOW COME ANGEL GUZMAN ISN'T INVOLVED IN THE LONG-TERM PLANS?"

As you're all aware by now, on Sunday night Bobby Valentine went on a 7-minute tirade about what a lazy player Starlin Castro is when compared to Darwin Barney. Yes, it looked terrible when Castro was facing the third-base line as Jeff Samardzija delivered a pitch. But then Bobby went off the deep end for a lot of ... Read More

You know, the Cardinals flat-out SHOULD have swept the lifeless Cubs this weekend. They're a far better team with a much better starting rotation and offense, even WITH Matt Holliday out. You know what else? Jeff Samardzija's pitch to Albert Pujols on Saturday wasn't THAT bad a pitch. And you know one more thing? HOW ... Read More

It would appear that James Russell is not capable of filling in for either Andrew Cashner or Randy Wells. Hell, tonight's performance aside, Ryan Dempster isn't capable of filling in for them, either. Since it's insane to repeat the same thing over and over and expect different results, there's really no reason that Mike Quade shouldn't throw a ... Read More

Returning to the Muskbox after a long weekend of making fun of Gordon Wittenmyer makes me realize what's really important in life. And that's knowing that, no matter how many Matchbox cars I shove up my nose, I will never be the stupidest Cub fan on this green-and-blue marble we call Earth. Especially not with Gordon still out there. Okay, ... Read More

There's no slumpbuster like a Muskbox slumpbuster. Thanks to the idiocy of people who read Cubs.com and the continued nightmare that is the 2010 edition of the Chicago Cubs, the Muskbox continues to shine. In this week's Muskbox, a guy from Valparaiso asks about a player from Valparaiso, an Iowan is sick of watching Darwin Barney play in ... Read More

If there's one sports radio refrain that annoys me, it's, "Tom Ricketts is being SO SMART AND CAREFUL about his evaluation of Jim Hendry." Bullshit. The Cubs are now halfway through their first season under Ricketts' ownership. They're 39-50, with the third-highest payroll in all of Major League Baseball. The only two more expensive teams are ... Read More

Forget the fact that the Cubs have managed to score four runs in two games against one of the worst pitching staffs in the National League. Forget the fact that last night's starter, Charlie Morton, dropped his ERA by 2.27 runs to 10.30 by pitching against your hapless Northsiders. Forget that John Grabow is getting paid $2.7M this ... Read More