Hire Jim Essian

The first Muskbox of the new year picks up right where the last Muskbox of the old year left off. In a world of confusion, unanswered questions, and broken promises. However, to avoid you a horrible heart attack this early into the new year, I must warn you. Hidden deep in the recesses of the Muskbox lies an honest-to-goodness solid question AND answer. 2012 TRULY IS THE END OF DAYS!!!

At the beginning of this week's Muskbox, Carrie points out that the 'Box has been on hiatus for a while. Now, I'm a man whose website, at this point, basically exists solely to mock the Muskbox, and this hiatus was news to me. Also news to me is that Angel Guzman's mortality status is currently: STILL ALIVE. ... Read More

Ponder this. It's the last BROWSing of the offseason. Whoa. It seems like only yesterday we were fighting over who would be starting at second base when the season starts and now- Well, I guess we're still sort of arguing about that. But that's neither here nor there. Speaking of which, tips go here, ... Read More

Let it never again be said that the Muskbox doesn't hold the Cubs accountable. That it's just a bunch of corporate answers to silly questions from simpletons who will purchase tickets no matter how stupid the package, and no matter how bad the team. Why, just this week in the Muskbox, Rudolpho Jaramillo is taken to task by ... Read More

Just last night, I was discussing the absurdity of the Mark DeRosa love that even the San Francisco Giants had for the scruffy utility dope. I was amazed at how the Giants pretended he was instrumental to their World Series Championship despite the fact that he played only 26 games and had only 93 at-bats with them in 2010. ... Read More

I thought the Cubs had officially given up on non-ridiculous promotional giveaways when they gave out Mia Hamm jerseys or bobbleheads or ovaries, or whatever they gave out when Nomar Garciaparra was a Cub. But if you have the pleasure of going to today's game against the Oakland A's, you might be the recipient of this brilliant bobblehead doll ... Read More

Oh, happy day! It's Crosstown Classic weekend! The weekend where two teams headed nowhere square off against one another and try to prove who cares less about playing one another. The answer? You fans. Also, me. I've been dealing with just the tips for the past two weeks, so we have some catching up ... Read More

I think I'm having a Cub mid-life crisis. I had no idea who the Cubs were playing last night until I logged on to MLB At-Bat to watch highlights from Stephen Strasburg's debut. I wasn't surprised to learn that the Cubs had suffered another one-run loss to another terrible team. I can't remember the last time I ... Read More

There's a reason I like to pick on Ryan Theriot. That reason is because he's not a very good hitter. In case you were fooled by Theriot's "awesome" start to the season, when he put up a .337/.370/.386 line good for a .757 OPS, you probably weren't fooled by his May. Because it was awful. Theriot just finished ... Read More

Folks, we have reached a new low, even by Muskbox standards. Someone actually took the time to write in and complain about Starlin Castro. Starlin is currently sporting an excellent .328/.386/.469 line. As Dolan recently pointed out, he has reached base at least once in every single game he's played. All seventeen of them. He ... Read More