My second game was a bit more challenging. I had the horrible Shawn Boskie pitching against Ron Darling. The Mets jumped out to a 2-0 lead in the first inning after a Howard Johnson RBI single and a steal of HOME by Hubie Brooks. You can imagine my chagrin. But we battled back on the strength of a Shawon Dunston home run and a Damon Berryhill RBI double. Hubie struck again with an RBI single in the 6th to give the Mets a 3-2 lead. But Dunston got it right back for me with an RBI triple in the 7th. Les Lancaster pinned the Mets down with four strikeouts in two brilliant innings. With men on first and third and one out in the 9th, I had Doug Dascenzo lay down a bunt. Little Doug was out at first, but Dunston scored from third. Paul Assenmacher nailed down the save with two strikeouts in the bottom of the inning, and we found ourselves 2-0 and back to .500 overall.

My first game as manager in Wrigley Field came against the Montreal Expos, ancestors to your Washington Nationals. I send Bob Scanlan to the mound against Mark Gardner. After falling behind 1-0, we scored in the 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th innings. Assenmacher allowed runs in the 8th and 9th. With the Expos trailing 4-3 and men on 1st and 2nd with two outs in the top of the 9th, I realized it was time to make a change. I brought in Heathcliff Slocumb, who got Tim Wallach swinging in four pitches.

But, hey, the winning didn’t stop there.

My fourth game saw Mike Bielecki taking on Rick Mahler. We jumped on Mahler early, and he didn’t even survive the 5th inning before we’d scored 5 runs against him. Since the fans had the opportunity to see a one-out save the day before, I figured I’d give them a four-inning save today. I got just that out of Chuck McElroy, and we knocked off the Expos 6-1 four my fourth straight win.

Certainly we wouldn’t be able to continue the winning streak in my fifth game, especially not when the Red Baron gave up 6 earned runs and couldn’t make it out of the 4th inning. But I patched together a win with the arms of Steve Wilson, Lancaster, Assenmacher, and Dave Smith. After Sutcliffe’s early exit, the bullpen held us together, but we were still down 6-1 with 1 out and 2 on in the bottom of the 7th. A Mark Grace double scored Eric Pappas and Dascenzo to bring us within 3. Chico Walker drove in Grace to make it 6-4. Dwight Smith bounced into a fielder’s choice for the second out, but Andre Dawson scored on the play. Then a pre-Sammy-Sosa-trade George Bell hit a first-pitch three-run homer to give us an 8-6 lead. Assenmacher and Smith nailed down the 8th and 9th for the win. Smith got the save. That’s FOUR different pitchers who collected saves in my first five wins. How’s THAT for bullpen management?

So, congratulations to Mike Quade for collecting wins in his first three games as manager of the Cubs. But wake me up when you get to five in a row.

If you were to take a guess, what players do you see not returning to the Cubs in 2010, and do you see the acquisition of Kevin Gregg as a big mistake or just him having a bad year? I assume Carlos Marmol has cemented himself as next year’s closer, so is Gregg traded or put in the bullpen?
– Jeremy B., Denver

I think they should re-sign him, just so they can trade him. That’ll teach him!

CARRIE: Gregg most likely will file for free agency after the World Series ends; that’s when the madness begins.

CARRIE: Gregg still wants to be a closer. However, it’s clear that’s Marmol’s job now. Gregg is not expected back. He won’t be traded; he’s not under contract. I don’t think the signing was a “big mistake.” He was 4-1 with 11 saves, no blown saves, and a 2.21 ERA at Wrigley Field. The problem was the road, where Gregg was 1-5 with a 7.59 ERA and seven blown saves. And those blown saves were in big ballparks, too.

So, if you take away all the appearances in which Gregg was absolutely terrible, he was really good. Got it.

CARRIE: As for who else won’t return, technically, there are five other free agents: Reed Johnson, Rich Harden, John Grabow, Chad Fox and So Taguchi. We can dismiss Fox and Taguchi. They won’t be back.

Don’t be too sure about Fox. That’s what you said in 2005. And 2008. And 200- HOLY SHIT HE HAD A 135.00 ERA this year!

CARRIE: Grabow is experienced, a lefty, good against left-handed hitters, and durable. Hendry already has had talks with his agent about a new deal. Johnson is a great teammate, and if he hadn’t broken a bone in his foot, might have helped the offense when it stalled in August.

If Johnson really wanted to help the offense in August, he should have broken a bone in Soriano’s foot.

CARRIE: He’s great in the clubhouse, too. The problem with keeping Johnson could be money — he was paid $3 million and that’s a lot for a fourth outfielder.

So is the $16M, the $11.5M, and the $9M the Cubs are paying to their other three fourth outfielders.

I know Rich Harden is a free agent but are the Cubs not even considering him for their starting rotation next year? They have a solid rotation but it seems odd that Harden put up very good numbers and is not even considered to be a Cub next year. And, if the plans are that he no longer remains a Cub, why would he sit at the end of the year to “save his arm?”
– Andy C., Baltimore, MD

Wow, even I think it’s a dick move to suggest a team with no playoff hopes should destroy a guy’s arm just because they’re not going to bring him back next year. Unless that guy is Shawn Estes. Because screw that guy.

CARRIE: Piniella doesn’t mention Harden’s name when he talks about the 2010 rotation because the right-hander is not under contract. Harden did give the Cubs a lot more than they expected and that’s a credit to him, athletic trainer Mark O’Neal, and pitching coach Larry Rothschild.

A 9-9 record, a 4.09 ERA, a 1.340 WHIP, and 141 innings pitched in 26 starts is more than the Cubs expected? Maybe they should raise their expectations a little bit.

CARRIE: But, do you give a multiyear deal to a pitcher who made 16 appearances total in 2006 and ’07?

No. Multi-year deals are reserved exclusively for pitchers like Jason Marquis, who lost thirty games in 2005 and 2006.

CARRIE: He’ll most likely ask for $10 million a year. Or, do you look at the Cubs pitchers under contract — Carlos Zambrano, Ted Lilly, Ryan Dempster, Randy Wells, Tom Gorzelanny — and say that’s enough? Those are the kind of debates that go on between the front office staff.

Other kinds of debates:

• Crane Kenney: Top or bottom?
• Could God make a burrito so big that Jim Hendry couldn’t finish it?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, will Jim Hendry sign it at four years, $50M with a full no-trade clause?

What’s the tentative schedule for the approval of the Cubs purchase this winter? This has to be one of the longest club ownership sagas in years.
– Michael M., Chicago

Three years, to be exact. Just ask the Montreal Expos/Washington Nationals.

CARRIE: Now that Major League Baseball owners have approved the Ricketts family, all that’s left is for the bankruptcy court to give its approval, and that most likely will happen by the end of the month. The Cubs’ budget is not expected to change much from the $135 million figure this year. The team’s organizational meetings will be in early November, and, as Lou Piniella says, the Cubs only need a few touches here and there.

Yes. They need a touch of the plague, the touch of death, and some Touch of Gray.

Do we agree that the offense was the biggest problem this year?
– Kenny D., Atlanta

Do we agree that you have asked the worst, most pointless question in the history of the Muskbox?

CARRIE: Actually, the lack of offense by some players who were counted on, such as Bradley, Alfonso Soriano, Geovany Soto, and Mike Fontenot.

So, yes, we agree.

You said a leadoff hitter is Piniella’s No. 3 priority. What are his other priorities? I’m guessing closer/bullpen help is one of them, but a center fielder who can bat leadoff would seem to be the greatest need.
– Mark M., Richmond, VA

How about a middle infield that doesn’t need to sit on booster seats during team flights? Or a catcher with smaller tits than Marla Collins? I hate the offseason.

CARRIE: No. 1 was having healthy and productive years from Soriano and Soto, and No. 2 was another RBI guy. The bullpen situation is actually in good shape heading into 2010, and don’t know why you’d suggest they need a closer. That’s Marmol’s job. However, if there’s another Ken Griffey Jr. out there — or someone like Brian Roberts — the Cubs would be set.

There are guys like Griffey and Roberts out there. Their names are Griffey and Roberts.

I’m curious what the Cubs’ won-loss record was in games that Milton Bradley did not start. Lastly, what was the Cubs’ record each month?
– Paul H., Providence, RI

I say this with all sincerity and with best intentions. Who gives a shit? Seriously. It’s over.

CARRIE: The Cubs were 27-27 when Bradley did not start, and 56-52 in games he started. They went 10-11 in April, 15-13 in May, 11-14 in June, 18-9 in July, 11-17 in August, 17-12 in September, and 1-2 in October.

That’s better than their normal October showing.

I’m sure I’m not the only one wondering about this, but what are the chances we see Bradley in the lineup next season? I know we spent a lot of money to get him and he still has two years left on his contract but is a replacement on Lou’s wish list? He obviously didn’t live up to expectations and doesn’t seem to want to remain a Cub anyways.
– Jake W., Little Chute, WI

Have people been discussing this “Bradley” character? First I’ve heard of him.

CARRIE: I’m not going to guess what Bradley wants or doesn’t want. Hendry will try to move the outfielder and the $21 million remaining on his contract this offseason, and it would be better for all parties if Bradley did go to a new team. Bradley can still contribute, but would be a better fit for a team with a bigger clubhouse. Hendry has gotten some inquiries about Bradley, and there was a recent report that the Tampa Bay Rays might be interested.

Wait. Like, a physically bigger clubhouse? That’s what Milton Bradley needs to stop acting like an asshole? A bigger locker?

The Cubs almost had five starting pitchers with at least 10 wins with each of them having ERAs under 4.00. I hope Zambrano gets his 10th win before the season ends but it appears Harden will not have a chance at 10 or get a chance to lower his ERA. My question is, have the Cubs ever had a starting five with 10 or more wins and all of them having ERAs under 4.00?
– Bud B., South Pekin, IL

You’d think Carrie would have pointed out that this question was asked before the season ended, so Bud wouldn’t look like a total asshole. Unless- Maybe this question WASN’T asked before the season ended.

CARRIE: The last time the Cubs had five starters with double-digit wins and ERAs below 4.00 was in 1972 with Milt Pappas (17-7, 2.77 ERA), Burt Hooton (11-14, 2.80), Rick Reuschel (10-8, 2.93), Bill Hands (11-8, 3.00) and Fergie Jenkins (20-12, 3.20). Prior to 1972, the 1945 Cubs did the trick with Hank Borowy (11-2, 2.13), Ray Prim (13-8, 2.40), Claude Passeau (17-9, 2.46), Hank Wyse (22-10, 2.68) and Paul Derringer (16-11, 3.45). Thanks to Ed Hartig for the info.

Now back in your cage!

Fresh off of a great weekend in Las Vegas with my wife I am back to working the phones and looking at what the Cubs can or might do this winter to overhaul their very disappointing team.

What were you doing in Vegas? Giving Siegfried and Roy tanning tips?

That means every area of the team and the organization is under review with new ownership taking over after the World Series.

I don’t want to spoil the rest of the article for you, but be advised that this is the most well-written sentence in the entire piece.

There are some solid players available in free agency, but as a whole this year’s crop of free agents is not particularly strong. However, there is one bona-fide superstar available, and if you land him you land a second piece of your puzzle as a bonus.

Mark DeRosa? Bobby Abreu? Jim Essian?

St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa’s contract expires after this season and there is speculation throughout Cardinal Nation that he may walk away from St. Louis and look for a new opportunity. What better move could new Cubs owner Tom Ricketts and his family make than to hire one of the greatest managers in baseball history to inject some life into his struggling baseball team?

Oh, I don’t know. Sign Cliff Lee and Jason Bay? Trade Alfonso Soriano for Albert Pujols? Sew Aaron Miles into a canvas bag and toss him into a quarry?

The best first move the Ricketts Family could make would be to hire Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa and pitching coach Dave Duncan for the Cubs. Both men will be free agents this off-season [sic]

That or make some effort to build up the Cubs’ farm system so their best hitting prospects aren’t all designated hitters.

And, if you hire LaRussa you will probably get the game’s best pitching coach in Dave Duncan who is very upset at how his son Chris was treated by the Cardinals and the St. Louis media before his recent trade to the Boston Red Sox.

Wait, I thought as part of your premise above, you were already hiring both of them. And if Dave Duncan is so upset about the treatment of his son, why did he used to drop him on his head when he’d sing, “When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall”? And why does he keep him chained in the basement of his abandoned restaurant? Just give him a fucking Baby Ruth, for God’s sake.

In a rare interview that he granted to St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer Joe Strauss last week, Duncan talked about the decision he his [sic] facing this off season when he will have to decide whether or not he wants to return to the Cardinals.

An elusive Dave Duncan interview! However did Joe Strauss manage to coax Duncan out from under his bridge!? You know why interviews with pitching coaches are rare? Because no one gives a fuck what Larry Rothschild has to say.

He has been the pitching coach for LaRussa for the past 14 seasons and he plans on working next season whether it is with the Cardinals or not.

So, if you hear about any managerial openings at IHOP, Dave would really appreciate you passing that info along to him.

“I’m not ready to make that decision right now,” he said. “When I do, it will be a personal decision, not a professional one.”

Do you see now? DO YOU SEE WHY WE DON’T LIKE TALKING TO PITCHING COACHES!?

Let me tell you something.

“…Frankenberry is HANDS-DOWN the number one breakfast cereal which I have ever chosen to eat whether out of a bowl with milk or else dry straight out of my hands.”

After you read that article you have to believe that he is hurt, angry, and looking for the ultimate opportunity to stick it to Cardinals management which he believes has not given him the respect he deserves as the best pitching coach in the game.

Considering he’s currently employed by the Cardinals and probably wants his next paycheck to be signed, I HAVE TO BELIEVE that you might be reading into it just a bit.

What better place to find that opportunity than on the North Side of Chicago, where he would be greeted with a hero’s welcome? (Especially if he arrived riding shotgun to a new Cubs manager named Tony LaRussa.)

Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Florida, Atlanta, Colorado, and San Francisco.

Duncan might be the only chance that Carlos Zambrano has of ever developing into the superstar that his talent indicates he should be.

I bet that under Dave Duncan’s expert tutelage, someday Carlos Zambrano will throw a no-hitter.

Is Zambrano an ace or a wildly overrated primadonna that is holding the Cubs hostage with his long term, big money contract?

Ace. Next question.

Duncan would be the perfect person to look at Zambrano, highly talented but erratic closer Carlos Marmol, and free-agent-to-be Rich Harden.

One might also make the argument that the current pitching coaches in the Cubs system have done a pretty good job turning two catchers (Marmol and Randy Wells) into two of the top pitchers on the team. As for Harden, why would the Cubs hire a pitching coach to spend time with a guy who will be pitching in Philadelphia next season?

Should the Cubs re-sign Harden who has a 6.21 ERA in his 13 starts at Wrigley Field this season?

And a 1.80 ERA in 7 starts last year. You can argue against re-signing him due to durability and the size of any potential contract, but if Harden’s ERA at Wrigley is your reason for not re-signing him, you are even stupider than I thought.

Keep in mind that he has not pitched more than 7 innings in any game all season and in 1/3 of his starts he has failed to complete 6 innings. That puts a tremendous amount of pressure on your bullpen and on the next game’s starting pitcher who has to be an innings eater to compensate for Harden’s lack of durability.

Wait just a damn minute. This entire article is just a setup for your scheme to bring back Jason Marquis, isn’t it?

Duncan immediately makes your pitching staff better and he helps you figure out what your needs are BEFORE free agency and the Winter Meetings.

Yes, by some MAGICAL ELIXIR (read: steroids), Dave Duncan will immediately make the pitching staff better! The only thing that immediately makes a pitching staff better is ADDING BETTER PITCHERS. Considering the Cub pitching staff has the fifth-best ERA in the National League, are third in the league in strikeouts, and have the fourth-best WHIP, I don’t really see how pitching is that big of a problem, anyhow.

The key, though, is signing LaRussa who might relish a chance to help the Cubs overtake the Cardinals and to accomplish the ultimate dream of winning a World Series on the North Side of Chicago.

I don’t know how to break this to you, but playing football at West Canaan was YOUR- No, wait. I don’t know how to break this to you, but not everyone dreams of one day winning the World Series with the Cubs. In fact, some people dream of one day dying peacefully in their beds safe in the knowledge that the Chicago Cubs never won a World Series in their lifetime.

LaRussa would put more emphasis on accountability and fundamental play and the air of enabling that has gone on this season from Zambrano to Alfonso Soriano to Milton Bradley would never be tolerated.

Yeah, the Genius is SUCH a red-ass. Remember how hard he came down on Julian Tavarez for doctoring the ball with pine tar? Remember what a clean clubhouse he kept in Oakland? Remember when he sat down with Mark McGwire at the end of his career in St. Louis and talked to him about the negative bacne affects of steroid abuse on the body? He’ll turn the team around more quickly than a cloister of nuns!

If LaRussa does leave St. Louis for greener pastures their will no doubt be many pursuers offering him big money to fix their clubs.

I’m still a little fuzzy on how leaving the team with the best record in the National League and second-best record in all of baseball for a team with (1) its ownership situation in flux, (2) an inability to win a single playoff game in its last nine attempts, (3) a lack of organizational depth at pretty much any position, and (4) a window of opportunity that appears to be closing if it hasn’t already closed is leaving for “greener pastures.”

However, Tom Ricketts can offer not only money but input into player personnel and the chance to drive Cardinals management and their passionate fan base crazy by helping the Cubs to a championship.

Or. Ricketts is going to find himself saddled with debt after the purchase of the team and is going to do pretty much everything in his power to decrease expenditures and turn as much profit as possible in the early years of his ownership. I love how people think that Ricketts is going to ride into Wrigley in shining armor and “SAVE OUR CUBBIEZ!” The guy is a businessman, not an idiot.

What better lure to entice Tony with than getting in on the ground floor of the Cubs starting a new way to run a franchise and developing an organizational philosophy?

He doesn’t need to develop a philosophy. He already has one: Whenever two or more of you gather in a bathroom stall in my name with a needle, turn the other cheek.

Lou Piniella is a solid baseball man and he will be remembered as a wonderful manager in his career for a lot of years. But this season he has been forced to work with a bad chemistry mix, and he has also not had one of his better seasons as a field boss.

“HE DIDN’T LISTEN TO MY SUGGESTION TO START SAM FULD IN LEFT FIELD!!!”

His teams look uninspired, they have had multiple incidents that cannot be tolerated such as Carlos Zambrano’s repeated immature acts, Milton Bradley’s multiple incidents that have been a distraction for the team, and Piniella’s stubborn refusal to change his lineup.

Wait, Lou shouldn’t tolerate his own refusal to change his lineup?

LOU: Dammit, Lou, I can’t have you trotting out the same lineup every day! It’s just not getting the job done!
LOU: YOU’RE not getting the job done!
LOU: I’m trying to! I’m in here every day trying to motivate you to change the lineup!
LOU: To what!? These guys all blow!
LOU: You’re out of line, Piniella!

Lou stands up, picks up his chair, and flings it up against a wall.

LOU: THIS WHOLE TEAM IS OUT OF LINE!

Leaving Alfonso Soriano in the leadoff spot as long as he did was ridiculous. Continuing to run Kevin Gregg out there as his closer was a poor decision given Gregg’s propensity for the long ball which is often fatal for a closer.

Lou grabs his desk lamp and then leaps from HIS seat across his desk, tackling Lou to the floor. The two struggle for possession of the desk lamp, kicking over display cases filled with priceless baseball memorabilia. Lou wraps the cord of the desk lamp around Lou’s neck and tightens. Lou’s eyes bulge from their sockets as his legs kick in spastic rhythm. When he is still, Lou stands up. He walks to an oak bookcase. With a mighty heave, he topples it over atop the still-prone Lou.

LOU: I’m finished.

The Cubs have had some wonderful things happen for them under the direction of Lou Piniella but it appears as if he is resigned to the fate of his team which has been saddled with players that have underperformed and in some cases such as Milton Bradley have been a major distraction for the team off the field.

There will be a support group meeting on Thursday night at 8:00 p.m. in the basement of the rec department for survivors of that sentence.

If Tom Ricketts want [sic] to change the culture of his franchise he needs to let everyone in uniform know that it will no longer be business as usual because that plan hasn’t worked. He needs to shock everyone’s system and the first move he needs to make is to hire baseball’s best free agent, Tony LaRussa and his trusty sidekick Dave Duncan.

Batman and Robin are unavailable.

Together they would be a great start to fixing what ails the Chicago Cubs.

Because what’s wrong with the Cubs right now is that Ted Lilly isn’t batting 8th.

Has anyone noticed Mark DeRosa has 32 runs batted in and Milton Bradley has 13?
3:32 PM May 27th from web

If I were trying my hand at Tweeting, and I was aware that I had a 140-character limit to my Tweets, the first thing I would probably do would be to try to figure out a simple way to abbreviate “runs batted in.”

Has anyone noticed that Jason Marquis has twice as many wins as both Ryan Dempster and Carlos Zambrano?
3:32 PM May 27th from web

Has anyone noticed that wins are a very flawed statistic for evaluating a pitcher’s worth? Has anyone noticed that Jason Marquis ALWAYS has a solid first half followed by a completely terrible second half? Has anyone noticed that a former Cy Young pitcher should probably know these things?

DIdn’e he used to be a Cub?
3:32 PM May 27th from web

I’m sorry. We were looking for, “Has anyone noticed whether or not he used to be a Cub?”

My dog Larry has as much control over Zambrano as does the Cubs’ Larry.
3:37 PM May 27th from web

And similar control over his bowels.

Milton Bradley is on a pace to drive in 42 runs with his 14 through the first 2 months but I have confidence.
3:05 PM Jun 2nd from web

TO HONOR JACKIE ROBINSON, JERK!

The Cubs continue to try to get Milton Bradley in a game
9:11 AM Jun 8th from web

I don’t understand this Steve Stone Tweet at all. Is it a board game joke? Is he suggesting that Lou can’t spell Milton’s name when he’s filling out the lineup card? Did Steve just rent He Got Game?

Lunch with wgns david kaplan aka americas guest. Looks like i pay again.
12:23 PM Jun 10th from txt

With the constant flow of “pick up the check” jokes that spew from Stone’s mouth, I have to assume that either (1) Steve Stone is the most generous man in the world; (2) every single one of his acquaintances is destitute; or (3) Stone is a real dick to his friends. Thanks, Steve. You just made me defend David Kaplan.

Ernie banks at harry carays. Tells me the cubs year. Also the sun will rise in the east and the north will win the civil war.
1:54 PM Jun 10th from txt

Did you buy him a bottle of wine, you cheapskate?

Derosa hitting 274 with 10 hr 42 rbi. Ibanez hitting 322 with 21 hr 58 rbi. Dunn has 17 hr and 44 rbi. Bradley has 5 hr and 14 rbi. Just …
10:49 AM Jun 12th from txt

Just what, Steve? WHAT!? I’d like to assume at the end of this Tweet, Milton caved in Stone’s skull with a bat.

For milton bradley-baserunning blunder cost 1 out ball lost in sun-incompetence-throw ball in stands with 1 out…priceless
8:37 AM Jun 13th from txt

People who don’t realize that spoofing the Mastercard commercials wasn’t even funny twelve years ago when they were brand-new…PRICELESS.

Minnesota came into wrigley as one of the worst road teams in baseball at 9 wins and 20 losses. Twins have 2 wins in two games.
5:14 PM Jun 13th from txt

Do you see how he was able to slam his two least-favorite teams in 140 characters or less? Take notes, bitter people around the world. THAT’S how you do it.

Gerald perry has been fired by the cubs. Hendry still looking for a scape goat. Could david kaplan be next.
12:01 PM Jun 14th from txt

I sure hope not! Because then Steve will be picking up the check EVERY time!

Went to harry carays with comcasts david kaplan. Hes springing for water and butter.
9:19 PM Jun 15th from txt

Tanning butter, I assume.

Its the crosstown showdown tonight with pride on the line. The teams are under achieving but the cubs are doing it more expensively..
11:02 AM Jun 16th from txt

Not on the Cubs’ payroll: Stone, Steve.

Updated steve stone.com today check it out. Rain in the forcast so we could be in for a long night. I wonder if zambrano is a mudder.
12:55 PM Jun 16th from txt

A mudder fucker who’s totally out of control, AMIRIGHT, Steve? Also, do check out Steve’s site if you enjoy smarm. His bio is outstanding, and you can even contact him for public speaking (presumably so long as you pick up the check).

Rain in the offing at wrigley field. Sox are red hot and cubs smell like my dog larry which is not real good.
12:41 PM Jun 18th from txt

Maybe you should- oh, I don’t know- bathe him.

Its off to cinci to face bustbuster bakers reds. For those of you who have eaten cinci chile your probably still heaving.
5:41 PM Jun 18th from txt

Interesting. I could have sworn Stone blamed everyone BUT Dusty for the 2003 and 2004 collapses, but I could be wrong. Also, what the hell is wrong with Skyline Chili? Not kosher enough for you, Steve?

We come home 5-3 on this road trip in 3 NL cities. Things going pretty well but detroit fails to lose. Cubs clubbing the indians. Go woody.
3:26 PM Jun 21st from txt

Wait, he hates the Cubs, but he also hates Kerry Wood. I don’t know how to interpret this, unless he’s watching Toy Story.

Cubs ramirez getting ready-my guess is after the allstar break. Ramirez has 16 rbi in 18 games. Bradley has 16 in 2 and half months-nice job
10:08 AM Jun 23rd from txt

10:08 AM, eh? I assume Stone’s morning checklist reads something like this:

• Wake up to the smooth sounds of Mully and Hanley.
• Stare at self fully nude in full-length mirror.
• Shower. Blow-dry and tease hair as mercilessly as I used to tease Chip.
• Prank call Kerry Wood; ask how his used car lot is treating him.
• Figure out way to trade Donny Veal into my pants.
• Insult Milton Bradley.

Sox win a thriller-pardon my michael jackson words.cubs have lost 4 straight on the road. Geo soto tested positive for marij, 30 lbs heavier
9:31 PM Jun 25th from txt

Good job using the character-saving “marij” as opposed to the totally-incomprehensible “weed” or “pot.”

After the marijiuana revelations about geo soto he will be featured in j.d. Salangers sequel-catcher in the pie.
9:50 AM Jun 26th from txt

9:50 AM. I hate to break this to you, but Stone texted this gem to Twitter while he was standing fully nude in front of a full-length mirror.

Cubs win first of three. Soriano misses ball in the sun and steps on blanco. Almost cost cubs the game. Fates intervened.
7:11 PM Jun 26th from txt

Fates, Zeus, Harry Potter, or just the scoreboard.

Bradley says he feels isolated on the cubs-no real bonds nobody to vent to-in between eruptions mt. Vesuvius is peaceful-then boom. Lol milt
8:54 AM Jun 27th from txt

YOUR TEARS OF LONELINESS AND ISOLATION ARE SWEET NECTAR WHICH STEVE STONE DRINKS FROM HOLLOWED-OUT PUPPY SKULLS!

Cubs miss out on derosa who joins albert pujols in st. Louis. Cards had need and got some. Cubs needed lefty rbi guy-pass abreau-dunn-ibanez
11:13 PM Jun 27th from txt

I don’t care how good Pujols and DeRosa are. The Cardinals should really consider filling out those last 23 slots on their roster.

Its the complete cub experience-zambrano comes unglued-bradley hits like stevie wonder-soriano loses ball in sun-cubs shutout 6-0.
5:41 PM Jun 28th from txt

And Stone makes a douchey comment, so now it’s the complete Cubs experience circa 2004.

Sox win as do the cubs. Bradley drove in a run and then made quacking hand signs at pirate fans. 17 rbi near july. Big run producer my butt.
9:51 PM Jun 29th from txt

Please get hot, Milton. For the love of God, if only to shut him up, PLEASE get hot.

Jim hendry made countless mistakes this offseason-look at brewers Casey McGehee. 5 hr-21 rbi- 336 ba. Cubs lost him on waivers for 50,000.
8:41 AM Jun 30th from txt

How DARE Jim Hendry not predict that Aramis Ramirez would miss 50 games of the season, and that the no-hit, bad-glove, 26-year-old third baseman would put up numbers almost as good as…Jake Fox’s!?

Jason marquis is 10-5 leading NL in wins. Cubs spent 5.3 mil to trade him. Zambrano and dempster cost 30.75m combined. Their win total-8
1:43 PM Jul 1st from txt

TRANSLATION: “I don’t really understand how baseball works.”

This is completely unbaseball related. I just met the cleveland cavs newest addition–big SHAQ. He is a very guy with hands like lobsters.
2:45 PM Jul 1st from txt

Oh, Lobster Hands, you’re so very GUY!

For those cub fans that do not know a lot about sam fuld, i saw him tear apart the arizona fall league. Hendry liked felix pie. Nice choice
9:33 AM Jul 2nd from txt

Didn’t he choose Fuld OVER Pie? Isn’t Pie on the Orioles now? And isn’t Fuld still in the system? You’re a weird dude, Steve.

Cubs just traded for rockies utility man jeff baker. Insurance for ramirez. The lost casey McGehee on waivers to brewers. How would he look.
12:35 PM Jul 2nd from txt

Fat, bald, and not as good as Jake Fox.

The white sox are on a 6 game winning streak. The cubs won vs brewers. As of this moment 4 teams in the NL central have 38 losses. Parity.
6:13 PM Jul 3rd from txt

The AL Central, on the other hand, is a total powerhouse. At the time of that Tweet, EVERY SINGLE TEAM IN THE AL CENTRAL had at least 38 losses except for the Tigers, who had 35. The Sox had 38, the Twins had 40, the Royals had 46, and the Indians had 49. At that time, the Cubs, Cardinals, and Brewers all had 38 losses. The Reds had 39. Houston had 40. The Pirates had 43. Maybe look at some stats, you smarmy prick.

The sox conclude their 7 game trip with KC. Sox 5-1 with one to play. Casey McGehee was 4-5 with 5 rbi. Bradley trails him in every category
10:02 AM Jul 5th from txt

Except for number of obsessed Tweets written by Steve Stone. Bradley is crushing him in that statistic.

Jason marquis pithed 8 strong scoreless innings as the rockies shutout the nats 1-0. The cubs paid 5.3ml to trade him. His 11 wins lead NL.
10:42 PM Jul 6th from txt

But look out, Milton. Marquis is making a run at this thing.

Tony LaRussa has dropped his lawsuit against twitter. I can now criticize cards. I cant do it because they spent 77ml on team. Cubs 135ml.
9:04 AM Jul 8th from txt

So, you can or you can’t criticize the Cardinals? It’s easier to express yourself in 140 characters or less when you’re not mentally retarded.

Here is todays trivia question. What pitcher leads the major leagues in wins. Matt cain-no, tim lincecum-no, halliday-no,its jason marquis.
9:19 AM Jul 8th from txt

Is this because Marquis and Stone go to temple together?

Milton bradley is benched for the first of the 4 game cardinal series. I wonder if he will take it as well as soriano the other day.
1:22 PM Jul 10th from txt

Let’s just hope he can take it as well as Stone took Kent Mercker’s criticism during the 2004 season. Or at least as well as he took Chip’s dong that year.

Jim hendrys choice bradley 6hr 20rbi 238ba–dunn 23hr 62rbi 269ba–abreu 308ba 57rbi 17sb–ibanez 22hr 60rbi 312ba. All lefty rbi guys.nice
10:15 AM Jul 12th from txt

Bradley is a switch hitter. But let’s not let facts cloud our Bradleyhate.

Stone was smug and arrogant when he was with the Cubs. It’s gotten far worse since his departure. Hey, Steve? No one thinks you’d be a good GM. No one thinks it’s amazing when you “predict” a slider low and away on an 0-2 count. I hope you rot in baseball hell with Hawk for the rest of your bitter career.

So, do the Cubs hate Ryan Dempster? Maybe. But apparently not as much as they hate Randy Wells and poor, poor Sean Marshall. Here are the average runs scored per nine innings for the six starters who have seen action for the Cubs this year:

Harden: 5.65
Zambrano: 4.70
Lilly: 4.30
Dempster: 3.97
Wells: 3.45
Marshall: 3.00

The Cubs scored 2 or fewer runs in 5 of Marshall’s 8 starts. That’s a great confidence builder for the still-relatively-young pitcher.

I’m not suggesting Marshall should be given another shot in the rotation, as Randy Wells has been terrific. I’m suggesting that Sean Marshall and Randy Wells should either learn to hit home runs or learn to kick every one of their teammates in the testicles.

And Dempster should stop putting itching powder in everyone’s jocks.

Want to plug Wood into the bullpen to fix the pitching woes? It won’t help as much as you think. Other than the utterly useless David Patton, Wood’s 6.00 ERA would be tied with Jeff Samardzija’s for the highest in the bullpen. You’d be better off trotting out Angel Guzman or Aaron Heilman than you would Wood’s 1.556 WHIP. And Wood’s 10 H/9 would rank only ahead of Samardzija, Neal Cotts, and Kevin Gregg.

Who are the Cubs missing? Well, Derrek Lee, Geovany Soto, and Milton Bradley for starters. If those three return to even average form, the Cub offense will be better than it was in 2008. You know who else is missing? Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Rich Harden, and Carlos Marmol.

But if you want to play the “what if” game, how about starting with Michael Wuertz? Wuertz has only one fewer save (2) than Cub “closer” Gregg. His 1.98 ERA and .878 WHIP would certainly be appealing at the back end of the bullpen. And he’s whiffed 13 batters while only walking 2. By comparison, Marmol has 12 strikeouts and 12 walks.

Or how about the 4-1 Jason Marquis, his 3.31 ERA, and his 1.189 WHIP? Instead of getting rid of the totally worthless Cotts, Jim Hendry cut Jose Vizcaino, Marquis’ trademate. The trade right now is Marquis for nothing. And he’s the one who got booed at Wrigley Field.

The “what if” game is stupid, and I’m sorry to make you play it. But if you have friends who insist on playing it, at least make sure they’re playing it with the right guys. I wish all the best to Wood and DeRosa, but right now, those guys would not help the Cubs as much as some people would have you think. They’re certainly not helping the 9-16 Indians very much.

1. The Color Green. Green is the color of the grass on baseball fields, the Oakland Athletics, and Mike Quade’s underwear.
2. Jay Cutler. Is Cutler the piece the Cubs need to finally make it to the World Series?
3. The brims of Lou Piniella’s and Milton Bradley’s hats. Which is flatter? And are either flatter than the back of Kevin Gregg’s head?
4. Neal Cotts missing his plane from Houston. Take a shower, dude.
5. The letter “s.” Without it, you can’t spell “Cubs,” “sweep,” or “Series.”
6. Dusty Baker. Please stay in the NL Central.
7. Milton Bradley’s high-five. Thanks to RV for the image:
   
   
   
   
   
8. Koyie Hill’s fingers. If I were him, I would have asked the doctor to sew a mini chainsaw to my hand.
9. Luis Vizcaino. I like him as long as he’s buried in the deepest bowels of the bullpen.
10. 1995. The last year the Cubs started a season 2-0. Seriously.
11. The Lost island. It made John Locke walk. Can it heal Geovany Soto’s shoulder?
12. Alfonso Soriano’s moon shot. Scheduled to land on Friday at 1:18 CST.
13. The NL Central standings. First place!
14. Phil Rogers getting locked in the Houston press box and left behind. Hopefully he’s handcuffed to Muskat at the time.
15. Jose Valverde’s “showmanship.” Take it to Broadway, fancy pants. You’ll be fatter than Alfonseca in three seasons.
16. This picture of Lance Berkman.
    
    
    
    
    
    Thanks to Poon for the tip.
17. Ryan Theriot getting caught stealing. It’s so cute when the little guy tries to turn his singles into doubles.
18. The umpiring crew. When they’re not demanding to be the center off attention by yelling, “STRI-YEEEEEEEEEEEK!” they’re blowing calls at first and third.
19. My Neifiball rotation. Jeff Suppan, Jason Marquis, Bronson Arroyo, Brian Moehler, Joe Blanton, Dave Bush, Kyle Davies, Jose Contreras, Jarrod Washburn, and Brandon Backe when he gets back.
20. Leaving Houston. The only thing better than beating Houston.

• Paul Bako’s hot spring has made us ever so torn about who should be the backup catcher. Do we take the guy who plays like all of his fingers could fall off at any moment, or do we take Koyie Hill? Decisions, decisions.
• I hope there aren’t any endangered birds in Cleveland.
• Matthew Leach decides that even though we have the best lineup and best bullpen in the NL Central, the division is “up for grabs.” Sort of like Leach’s job should be.
• I’m not sure why anyone would feel the need to related Cubs baseball to NCAA basketball, but Gumby here makes that stretch.
• So does Pokey.
• Alfonso Soriano has a sweet ride.
• The Rockies are SHOCKED to discover that Jason Marquis sucks.
• Milton Bradley’s got moxie.
• Please, God, let Juan Pierre become a White Sock.
• We want more night games. Probably because our middle infield is so white, it glows in the dark. Also from that article, it looks like Bobby Scales might be on TBS’s My Boys. “What’s My Boys?” you ask? “I have no idea,” I respond. “But somehow it’s stayed on television for multiple seasons, and apparently Mike Fontenot is going to be on it.”
• Don’t bother reading the fluff article, but check out how gigantic Rick Morrissey’s forehead has gotten. Has Crane Kenney contacted him yet to put an Under Armor ad up there? Good God.
• When Sammy Sosa was playing, Sox fans always used to tell me that he was a terrible fielder. Turns out they’re on meth. Shocking.
• So long, Ryan Harvey. We’ll always have that one time we all thought you were going to be good, and you ended up being not good.
• WHAT WILL WE DO WITHOUT THE INSIGHT OF GREG COUCH???
• Hey, Jim? Good news. Daryle Ward is available!
• If you need another reason to love Ted Lilly, he thinks Bud Selig is a douche.
• Team USA is glad the World Baseball Classic is over.
• People will slap a logo on just about anything these days. (Thanks to domer.mq for the tip.)
• You know what would go well with 40,000 drunk people? KIDS! Special thanks to the creator of that site for the “artist’s rendition” of a man falling on his ass. (Thanks to Jon for the tip.)
• Some headlines are just too subtle. (Thanks to A-Ram Baller for the tip.)
• This is a really cool idea. The Cubs’ All-Time Home Grown Team vs. The All-Time Acquired Team.
• Remember when we made fun of baseball names? These guys are running a tournament. (Thanks to RV for the tip.)
• Did you think nothing could make Ghostbusters more awesome? Then you are a fool.
• Which fantasy baseball player are you? (By the way, don’t forget about your Neifiball drafts, if they haven’t already happened. Here’s something to get you in the mood.)

That’s it for me. A bunch of the guys athletic taped Rothschild to his locker, so I have to go help him out. After lunch, of course. Have a great weekend.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

The mailbag is back, but it’s now the Inbox…

Are there people out there so hopelessly confused that they can’t find this column?

Some Dipshit’s Thoughts:

I think I’ll head to my favorite site, Cubs.com, to see if Carrie Muskat answered my question, ‘Do you think the Cubs will ever give Zambrano a chance to start in center field?’ I see here that Opening Day is only thirteen days away. That’s interesting. This article here says, ‘Cubs Inbox,’ but I’m looking for the ‘Cubs Mailbag,’ so that can’t be it. What’s an MLBlog? That looks like no word I’ve ever seen. Oh, dear! Why is there a video playing?! I didn’t click on anything!

Anyhow, this week’s Muskbox caters to just that dipshit. Enjoy.

The Cubs traded Mark DeRosa, Michael Wuertz, Ronny Cedeno, Rich Hill, Felix Pie and Jason Marquis this winter. Who among the players the Cubs received is making an impact this spring?
– Johnny G., Pleasanton, Calif.

When you take DeRosa out of the equation, if the guys the Cubs received actually manage to find their way to Spring Training, then the Cubs have come out ahead. I hope the rest of those guys all have major impacts, too. Specifically, meteors impacting with their houses.

Incidentally, when I’m “blogging,” as the kids call it, I will often go back through the article and add “tags” to each “post.” Generally, I just put in the names of the guys or the teams mentioned in the post. Each and every time I type in “Rich Hill,” “Felix Pie,” or “Ronny Cedeno,” I think to myself, “Fare thee well, [WHICHEVER JACKASS I JUST ENTERED]. This will most likely be the last time I ever have to enter your name as a tag on HJE. Yet every. Fucking. Week. I have to tag at least one of those names thanks to this godforsaken Muskbox.

CARRIE: You forgot the Jose Ceda-for-Kevin Gregg deal in November…

Yeah, that’s because we all made fun of that deal since Gregg looks like he eats his own boogers.

CARRIE:…and I’d have to pick Gregg.

Of course you would.

CARRIE: He could get the closer’s job over Carlos Marmol.

He certainly could, but not because he’s more talented than Marmol. Because Marmol is a very valuable guy to have in the bullpen to get the 3-4-5 hitters in any lineup. If they come up in the 8th inning, so be it.

CARRIE: Those two need to pitch in back-to-back games before Lou Piniella decides his closer. After that, it’s Aaron Heilman (from Seattle for Cedeno). He was a candidate for the rotation but now will be slotted into the bullpen along with Luis Vizcaino (Marquis deal). The three Minor League pitchers acquired for DeRosa are in the Minor League camp as is Richie Robnett (Wuertz deal) and pitcher Henry Williamson (Pie). The Cubs have yet to receive a player for Hill.

The NSBB guys are still holding out hope that the PTBNL in the Hill deal is Adam Dunn.

If Mike Fontenot gets the nod at second base as a starter, would Piniella insert him into the No. 2 spot in the lineup? Fontenot is a good contact hitter with some power and speed on the bases, which is necessary at the top of the lineup. Also, it would fit the right-left-right combo like Lou wants.
– Tony P., Chalmette, La.

That would make sense. Which is probably why Carlos Zambrano is going to be hitting second. I’m stunned you didn’t ask that question for the thousandth time in Muskbox/bag history.

CARRIE: Piniella is leaning more toward putting Kosuke Fukudome in the No. 2 spot for all the reasons you stated plus he can bunt and help move runners over.

Plus, he started at right field on the BEST BASEBALL TEAM IN THE WORLD. If that doesn’t mean he’s the best right fielder in the world, I don’t know what does.

CARRIE: If the lineup comes together the way Piniella wants, there will be a left-handed bat in the second, fourth and sixth spots. Milton Bradley, a switch-hitter, would bat fourth and Fontenot sixth.

And they will have ghost batters in the first, third, fifth, seventh, eighth, and ninth spots. They’ve already inquired about Bobby Sturgeon’s availability.

With the news of No. 31 being retired in honor of Fergie Jenkins and Greg Maddux, what do you think the chances are that Maddux goes into the Hall of Fame as a Cub? I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up with the Atlanta “A” on his cap and plaque, but it would be a shame not to see a “C.”
– Chad W., Brownsburg, Ind.

Zero percent, and I’ll take the under.

CARRIE: The Hall of Fame determines what the players wear on their Cooperstown plaques. Since Maddux won three of his four Cy Young Awards with the Braves and spent 11 seasons with Atlanta, I’d guess he’ll wear an “A” cap.

But you can always pretend the “A” stands for “Awesome.”

Bob Brenly and Len Kasper had a discussion recently about pitchers hitting in the middle of the lineup. Has Lou ever considered moving Carlos Zambrano to the middle of the order on the days he’s pitching? Although some of the concern was mitigated by offseason acquisitions, a reliable switch-hitter among your right-handed power bats is never a bad thing.
– Eric D., Richfield, Minn.

I swear to God, I wrote the Zambrano batting second before I even made it to this question. These are your fellow fans. Embrace them until they stop breathing.

CARRIE: Piniella has been asked, and says he won’t do it because he feels it’s an insult to the other hitters. Zambrano certainly wouldn’t oppose it. On days he’s not pitching, Big Z usually is first with a bat in his hands just in case Piniella wants a switch-hitting pinch-hitter.

Hey, other hitters? If you’re not as good at hitting as Carlos Zambrano, you SHOULD be fucking insulted!

You listed Chad Gaudin as one of the relievers expected to make the roster. Don’t you think he’s pitched himself right out of the mix? I’m thinking David Patton, Jason Waddell and either Randy Wells or Esmailin Caridad perhaps for the spots you identified as “Gaudin and two to be determined.”
– Steve M., Albuquerque, N.M.

I also think Phillip Johannes, Carlton Weimer, Mathis Workman, and Billy Farson should get some consideration. See? I can make up a bunch of names and pretend they’re Cubs prospects, too!

CARRIE: That’s why I don’t like picking a final roster on March 16. Since you wrote, Caridad was sent down to the Minor League camp, so you can delete him from your list. Wells has options left and would have to really dominate to make it. Waddell does not have options left and would give the Cubs another lefty. See the next item.

Do I have to?

Do you think David “Rule 5″ Patton has a shot at one of the two spots left in the bullpen, or will he be returned?
– Perrie C., Ft. Myers, Fla.

Is he trying to give him the nickname “Rule 5,” or is that already his nickname? If it’s the latter, that fucking sucks for Old Rule Five.

CARRIE: Patton definitely has a shot. He’s thrown strikes, and, what’s impressed Piniella, showed no fear. You have to wonder why he never moved up higher than “A” ball in the Rockies system. The relievers who are set include Gregg, Marmol, Neal Cotts, Heilman, Vizcaino and most likely Gaudin. I’m guessing Patton and Jeff Samardzija are competing for that final spot.

Wait, Vizcaino is seriously going to make the team? And Cotts? And Gaudin? This bullpen is trash. Is Chad Fox still in camp? Maybe they can coax Joe Borowski out of retirement.

I recently read a report on ESPN that the Cubs are still interested in acquiring Jake Peavy because they are concerned with the health history of Rich Harden. Is there any validity in this?
– Tyler H., Wilmington, N.C.

I wonder if he read that right after ESPN reported the Cubs had acquired Ivan Rodriguez. Or that Peter Gammons had, in fact, died in 1986.

CARRIE: If that report was prompted by Harden being scratched from his start, then no. Harden missed a start because of some bad chicken salad, not because of his arm.

Oh, thank God there’s nothing wrong with Harden’s- Wait, what? Bad chicken salad? Seriously? Well, shit. Now, I’m forced to assume one of the following: (1) Harden is too cheap to purchase high-quality chicken, (2) Harden is too stupid to realize that chicken salad shouldn’t foam, or (3) someone (possibly Tony LaRussa) is trying to POISON RICH HARDEN.

CARRIE: You’ll probably read Peavy rumors until the Cubs’ sale is completed, and after that, there could be daily news updates. The Cubs and Padres have not talked since the Winter Meetings, and I don’t see Tom Ricketts being introduced as the new owner in May with Peavy at his side.

Mostly because that would be weird. Tom would be standing up there saying, “I’m excited and proud to take ownership of one of the most historic franchises in the history of- Jake, please stop pulling on my sleeve. In the history of Major League- Please stop. Major League Baseball. In the coming years, I plan to- What?! What is it, Jake? No, you can’t have a King Cone. No- No, you’re going to have to wait until- I’m trying to give a speech, Jake. I’m. Trying. To. Give. A. Speech. Go ask the coach. Yes, if Coach Lou says it’s okay, then you can have HALF of a King Cone. Okay. Have fun. AND DON’T FORGET TO WIPE YOUR FEET BEFORE YOU COME BACK IN!”

I think it’s awesome that No. 31 will be retired to honor both great Cubs pitchers who wore it. I hadn’t realized how few years were between the end of Jenkins’ Cubs career and the beginning of Maddux’s. I think this is fantastic.
– David C., Duluth, Ga.

Good question, David. You’re the smartest person to come out of Duluth since Michael Vick and Lil’ Bow Wow.

CARRIE: I agree.

TRANSLATION: “Call me, Greg! Or Fergie! I’m not picky, and I’m very lonely.”

• Bruce Miles thinks the front office likes the choice of Ricketts, so he throws a balloon filled with gasoline on the Jake Peavy rumors.
• Our good friend PAUL SULLIVAN surmises what the change of ownership might mean for the Friendly Confines.
• Speaking of which, those of you who complained about ads on the outfield wall at Wrigley Field might get your anger assuaged.
• For a park that’s nearly 100 years old, they sure do treat it like shit (thanks to Zach for the tip).
• The Hank White Fan Club is not happy that their hero signed with the Padres.
• How high was Rosendouche when he wrote this column? “Wonk”? “Wake the freak up”? Really?
• Yay! Next season, there will be one less cockbag in baseball. Unless, of course, Sosa comes out of retirement.
• Why in God’s name is anyone pretending that I would choose Kevin Gregg to close over Carlos Marmol? Never mind. I just saw the byline.
• TCR lists a bunch of people who won’t make the team.
• Looking for an easy way to spin an article about the Super Bowl into an article about the Cubs? No? Of course you’re not. Why in the hell would anyone want to do that?
• The four jerseys on the flagpoles might get some company this season, as there is talk of retiring #31 for Fergie Jenkins and Greg Maddux. There is still no talk of retiring #21 for Sosa, though I noticed they haven’t ruled out retiring it for Jason Marquis.
• Kerry Wood tries to make us all cry.
• The MLB finally wises up and realizes coin flips are idiotic, and a White Sox fan is immediately on the scene to cry about “unfairness.”
• Did we mention that yet another Chicago sports radio douchebag lost his job? Maybe ESPN 1000 finally realized that no one gave a shit what McNeil was grilling for dinner that night.
• Since you guys do about twelve hours a week as it is, maybe you should look into getting paid better for it.
• Finally, the Goat Riders are trying to compile a community list of projections for the Cubs players for the upcoming season. So, if you get off on predicting how many plate appearances Joey Gathright is going to have next year, go here.

That’s it for me, gang(bangers). I hear you’re going to have another cold weekend. I’ll think about you when I’m sipping margaritas on the beach and watching two chicks rub coconut oil all over each other’s bodies.

-Sweet Uncle Lou