Hire Jim Essian

Before you didn't watch A.J. Pierzynski cheat the White Sox into the 2005 World Series, there was probably already something in your gut that made you hate him. Your gut was absolutely right. The nicest thing that fellow asshole Ozzie Guillen could say about Pierzynski is, "If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him a little less." For one thing, I didn't know assholes could smell their own. For a second thing, there is no way Ozzie Guillen said that as eloquently as that quote is written. For yet another thing, when even OZZIE GUILLEN thinks you're an asshole, it's time to take some serious stock of your life. Though Pierzynski's numbers against the Cubs have dropped in the last few years, I have no qualms about placing the infuriating mullet of A.J. Pierzynski at #7 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Well, this is a gift from the heavens. Also, from 'Duk. One of the greatest pitchers of all time went all hipster on us over Christmas, and the results are both glorious and meme-worthy. Have at it!

When we last left The Muskbox, she was busy scoffing at the mere SUGGESTION of a Jumbo-Tron and weighing the Cubs' options for manager. A lot has happened since those simple days nearly a month ago. The Cubs hired Dale Sveum, Greg Maddux took his talents south, and you ate a bunch of turkey, drank some cognac, and punched your uncle. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN THANKSGIVING EVERY YEAR? Perhaps Greg's departure to Texas caused something in Carrie to snap, because in this week's Muskbox, she gets weirdly southern. READ ON, Y'ALL!

Whenever a team lets a player go for no compensation, although they say all the right things and wish him well, they are secretly hoping that the player sucks throughout the course of his career. You hope he becomes Mark Prior or Matt Clement or Rueben Quevedo. You certainly don't want him to become the greatest pitcher of ... Read More

I offer you this submission. Never has there been a more hate-worthy Cub shortstop than Ryan Theriot. Not Jeff Blauser. Not Neifi Perez. Not Alex Gonzalez. Not Ronny Cedeno. All of those guys were terrible, but they either had some redeeming moments (Gonzalez), were hated solely because of misuse (Perez), were harmless simpletons (Cedeno), ... Read More

As good as John Smoltz was throughout the course of his 21-season MLB career, he'll always be remembered for being even better in the playoffs. Specifically, for Game 7 of the 1991 World Series, during which only a superhuman effort from Jack Morris led to a Minnesota Twins victory over Smoltz's Atlanta Braves. The game is regarded as ... Read More

Way back in 2002, the Cincinnati Reds revealed a slugger who was supposed to be Sosa- McGwire- and Bonds-esque in his ability to hit home runs. Despite his inability to draw walks, catch and throw a baseball, or either spell or pronounce the name "Willy," Wily Mo Pena was going to team up with Austin Kearns and Adam Dunn ... Read More

Von Hayes' parents were total dicks. Not only did they choose the first name "Von," but they went with the sum total of "Von Francis Hayes." Maybe that's why Hayes was filled with such vengeance. The career .267 hitter had a built-up fierceness in his blood. The beast within came out nearly every time Hayes played ... Read More

There are some members of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time who were still relatively successful players against MLB teams that WEREN'T the Cubs. The 37th biggest Cub Killer, Mike Fitzgerald, is not one of those guys. No, Fitzgerald was only a .235/.321/.346 hitter throughout the course of his ten-year career, which he spent mostly with ... Read More

I hope you've survived the majority of this Friday the 13th, and that the unluckiest thing that's happened to you is that you had to do work this morning instead of BROWSing. And if something worse has happened to you today, then hopefully you're Ryan Theriot. Your tips are more appreciated than an 11-4 beatdown of the defending ... Read More