The Pain in My Brain is From the Veins on Dave’s Cranium
Of all the melodramatic reactionary stupidity that swept across the media over Kevin Gregg’s back-to-back blown saves on Saturday and Sunday (I’m looking at you, Marc Silverman, you couch-slapping, walking panic attack), David Kaplan’s reaction was, predictably, the worst. The worst thing to come of the weekend series loss to the Marlins was clearly the [...]
Is David Kaplan Changing Color to Hide How Dumb He Is?
In case you haven’t noticed, David Kaplan has gradually been changing color from pasty white to Oompa Loompa. I can only imagine the change is for one of the following reasons: The Caucasian race has officially kicked him out. He’s so dumb, his skin doesn’t even realize he’s white. He’s going on a hunting trip [...]
Uggla Sets Record with Twelve Errors
Why is Kermit lying again? Click HERE to find out. Tiny-armed Florida Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla set an MLB record last night, committing twelve errors in a 23-3 loss to the Chicago Cubs. Uggla’s atrophied arms were unable to corral any of the twelve balls hit at him during the game.
Marlins Trade One World Series Championship to Cubs for One-Third of Gate
Why is Kermit lying again? Click HERE to find out. This morning, the Florida Marlins negotiated a deal with the Chicago Cubs, exchanging their 2003 World Championship for one-third of the Cubs’ attendance. The Cubs will send their bleacher population to Florida, where they will engage in wet t-shirt competitions and shout things like, “SPRING [...]
T79 #61: Jeff Conine “The Barbarian”
Jeff Conine has been beating up on the Cubs since before you were born. At least if you’re in high school. Conine’s seventeen-year career was marked by consistency. You were pretty safe counting on Conine for about a .285/.350/.450 line throughout the course of his career. Unless, of course, he was playing the Cubs. In [...]
How to Break a 97-Win Team
The only time I read Bleed Cubbie Blue is when someone on Desipio links it. For someone on Desipio to link it, the writing must be worse than normal. So when I saw a link to the hilariously stupid “Building A Cubs Champion: Introducing Your 2009 Chicago Cubs” I had to click it. I now [...]
Magic Number Countdown: 11
11 more wins. That’s all the Cubs need to collect to make the unthinkable thinkable and to set off what will be the most ridiculous party in the history of the city of Chicago. You know HJE has a plan to count this down in style. Below are my top eleven moments of the 2008 [...]
Friday Night Fukudome: Soriano vs. Ramirez
Marlins manager Freddi Gonzalez announced this week that he would be keeping Hanley Ramirez, the best shortstop in baseball, at the leadoff spot for the upcoming season. Cubs manager Lou Piniella made the same announcement regarding Alfonso Soriano. Both hitters are clearly run-producers, thought they are both speedy. So, who deserves to be moved down [...]
Get Bent, Rick Telander: A Letter to the Hall of Fame Voters
Being the generous and angry people that we are here at HJE, we took it upon ourselves to compose a letter on behalf of Andre Dawson, which he is more than welcome to print on his letterhead and mail to all the voters who didn’t deem him Hall of Fame-worthy:
BigFlax
PenFoe
StPatrick
CT
CactusMcHarris