Hire Jim Essian

There was a time not so long ago when Adam Dunn was a legitimate threat to use a baseball bat to make contact with a baseball. A simpler time, when Dunn was a National League player forced to run around uncomfortably in the infield or outfield with a glove on his hand. A time when Dunn would positively VORP your face off, even as radio callers would complain about his copious strikeouts and "three possible outcomes" approach to hitting. It was in this far simpler time that the man who would become the 19th-biggest Cub Killer of My Time was born.

The Muskbox rarely promises things to us commoners. All we're guaranteed is the occasional laugh, the frequent facepalm, and the knowledge of new places across the globe like...Terre Haute? But this week's Muskbox brings the promise of more frequent Muskboxes! It's the gift that keeps on giving, even when you desperately wish it would stop so you ... Read More

Surely, you remember Preston Wilson. His hair was kinda- I don't know- brown. Well, not really brown. Oh, he's tall. Yeah. Kinda- kinda tall. Sorta tall. And he's always wearing- like- t-shirts. I mean, he's Preston. PRESTON. You know? Preston. Press-TONE! And he's the 29th biggest Cub ... Read More

Well, it's still Jim Hendry day, and old Jim made a few good moves during his time. No question, however, the two best moves he made were (1) trading Bobby Hill, Matt (hee hee!) Bruback, and Jose Hernandez to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton; and (2) trading Hee Seop Choi to the Florida Marlins for ... Read More

Jim Thome's Major League Baseball career started in 1991, the same year as one James Sarkis Essian. Nearly TWENTY years after his rookie season, Thome managed to garner an AL MVP vote while compiling a .283/.412/.627 slash line with the 2010 Minnesota Twins. Thome has continued to be a productive hitter and, by all accounts, a very likeable, ... Read More

When I don't have a rooting interest in the World Series, I generally root for the National League to beat up on the "better" league. Consequently, I found myself rooting for the Giants this fall. Tim Lincecum is fun to watch. A portly Juan Uribe waddled away with some big moments. Buster Posey is living the ... Read More

Of all the melodramatic reactionary stupidity that swept across the media over Kevin Gregg's back-to-back blown saves on Saturday and Sunday (I'm looking at you, Marc Silverman, you couch-slapping, walking panic attack), David Kaplan's reaction was, predictably, the worst. The worst thing to come of the weekend series loss to the Marlins was clearly the fact that it inspired ... Read More

In case you haven't noticed, David Kaplan has gradually been changing color from pasty white to Oompa Loompa. I can only imagine the change is for one of the following reasons: The Caucasian race has officially kicked him out. He's so dumb, his skin doesn't even realize he's white. He's going on a hunting trip with the Monsters in the Morning this ... Read More

Why is Kermit lying again? Click HERE to find out. Tiny-armed Florida Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla set an MLB record last night, committing twelve errors in a 23-3 loss to the Chicago Cubs. Uggla's atrophied arms were unable to corral any of the twelve balls hit at him during the game. ... Read More

Why is Kermit lying again? Click HERE to find out. This morning, the Florida Marlins negotiated a deal with the Chicago Cubs, exchanging their 2003 World Championship for one-third of the Cubs' attendance. The Cubs will send their bleacher population to Florida, where they will engage in wet t-shirt competitions and shout things like, "SPRING BREAAAAAAAAK!" ... Read More