Hire Jim Essian

Sorry for the late Roundup. Thanks a LOT for dying, Ron Santo. Number ten will be missed. Not as much as your BROWSing tips would be if they suddenly disappeared, though. I regretted not having more time to celebrate Theriot's departure, but Dolan took care if it, anyhow. Bull Durham is awful, but I like how Rob Neyer's list ... Read More

If there's one sports radio refrain that annoys me, it's, "Tom Ricketts is being SO SMART AND CAREFUL about his evaluation of Jim Hendry." Bullshit. The Cubs are now halfway through their first season under Ricketts' ownership. They're 39-50, with the third-highest payroll in all of Major League Baseball. The only two more expensive teams are ... Read More

I hope you idiots didn't forget that today is National Doughnut Day, so make sure you thank those great men and women who fought in the Doughnut Wars. I was a bit hungover under the weather earlier, so I apologize for the late Roundup. I sure hope you didn't get any work done this morning, or anything. Geovany Soto ... Read More

Maybe the switch from the Muskbag to the Muskbox fried Carrie's brain, because she has apparently forgotten that "question, THEN answer" format upon which she so heavily relied in the past. First of all, she put a video in this week's Muskbox, instead of a picture. So, instead, I had to find a picture of this old guy ... Read More

How long has the Muskbag been back in Muskbox form? A couple of months? Why is this still at the top of every single one? The mailbag is back, but it's now the Inbox... Are there people out there so hopelessly confused that they can't find this column? Some Dipshit's Thoughts: I think I'll head to my favorite site, Cubs.com, to see ... Read More

Happy Ash Wednesday, you silly Catholics. I'm sure half of you have already broken your Lenten resolutions, so let's hope the Cubs fare better with theirs. As always, HJE used its insider access to ask the Cubs (and some former Cubs), "What are YOU giving up for Lent?" LOU PINIELLA: "Losing playoff games." RYAN DEMPSTER: "Fake vomit." TED LILLY: ... Read More

Assuming Rich Hill ends up getting traded to Baltimore, that is an awful lot of Cubs castoffs who have been traded to the Orioles. So, let's throw some of the "top" players into the Fukudome and see what we get. VS. VS. VS. Rich Hill Corey Patterson Felix Pie Sammy Sosa ... Read More

In yet another move clearly designed to get Jake Peavy in a Cubs uniform, Jim Hendry traded Felix Pie and his out-of-control testicles to the Baltimore Orioles for LHP Garrett Olson and RHP Henry Williamson. I'm assuming this is part of the increasingly-more-complicated Peavy-for-Gathright, Miles, some dudes from the Indians, and some other dudes from the Orioles trade. Olson sucked ... Read More

Let the games begin. The Cubs Convention is in town, which means tonight is the night you dorks congregate at Shitty O'Kea's. And that means I have to hide in my room with a pizza, a bottle of Jack, and a copy of Ass-Ass-In IV. Have fun, nerds. For those of you NOT going, you're even ... Read More

And to all a new Muskbag. It's tough coming up with content during the offseason, particularly when the only thing to talk about in regards to the Hot Stove is whether it would be cheaper to sign Mark Teixeira or build your own Mark Teixeira cyborg. If you try, make sure you don't monkey around by programming a ... Read More