What a year the 2013 Cubs had! They avoided 100 losses, they fired their dull manager, they hired a new dull manager, and they watched Tony LaRussa get voted into the Hall of Fame. On this, the day after you drank alcohol and probably said something stupid to a hot girl, let’s give out some inaugural year-end awards. WELCOME TO THE ESSIES!
It’s been a long time since the last installment of The Muskbox, meaning you’re probably less dumb now. Almost as long as it had been since the last podcast. You’re welcome. Welp, about to dumb it up all in here again with the return of the podcast AND The Muskbox. This week’s installment is all about the future. So hop into your time machines and get ready to box!
This week’s Muskbox straight-facedly asks whether Alfonso Soriano should “sit a spell.” When I was in college, my dorm’s rector was from Virginia, and he was full of hilarious old Southern colloquialisms like that one. The ones in my headline are all the ones my brain remembers. God dammit, brain, REALLY? Anyhow, this Muskbox is a doozy. Because it’s somehow ALWAYS a doozy.
Is sixteen games into the season too early to take stock? Marlon Byrd and his .070 batting average are no longer Cubs. Ryan Dempster, the (shudder) longest-continuous-tenured Cub, and Kerry Wood, the longest-tenured Cub who everyone doesn’t hate are both shelved with injuries. Alfonso Soriano has eleven hits so far, and not a one of them went for extra bases. David DeJesus and Matt Garza are wondering just what the fuck they’re doing in Cubs uniforms. The best hitter on the team is Bryan LaHair. The recently-exonerated Starlin Castro is already setting pace to prove that, yes, he can actually hit. He’s third in the NL with 23 hits so far, he’s fifth in batting average at .365, and under the aggressive Dale Sveum, he’s already nabbed seven bases. He stole 22 all last year.
The always-informative Muskbox is back after a busy end to Spring Training. Since Carrie hasn’t had to write up many Cub wins so far, she’s been busily answering your most probing questions. You’re about to get probed by the Muskbox. MIND PROBED.
I suspect that there will be a significant number of Cubs fans as pissed about Aramis Ramirez signing with the Brewers as some Cardinals fans were about Albert Pujols signing with the Angels. I suspect that because I’m not a dumbass, and I know there are stupid fans of every single professional team in sports. Unlike Mark DeRosa and Ryan Theriot, Aramis Ramirez deserves and should get a standing ovation the first time he returns to Wrigley Field in a Brewers jersey. Sadly, he’ll probably be booed. Don’t be those fans.
I was out all day, so I hope I beat all the other blogs to that headline. Theo Epstein has made his first signing since joining the Chicago Cubs. Right fielder David DeJesus joins the Cubs to give them the left-handed power that Jim Hendry has sought for YEARS. The 32-year-old has spent the majority of his 9-year career in Kansas City (poor bastard), and he had a disappointing 2011 season with the Athletics. He’s a career .284/.356/.421 hitter, which makes him about a thousand times better than Tyler Colvin and Tony Campana combined. Plus, he plays a pretty terrific right field. I know everyone was hoping for Epstein to come in and figure out a way to sign both Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder. But it’s the little moves like this that are going to improve the team. Or at least make them watchable until they’re ready to compete. I like it, especially since he comes pretty cheap, according to our good friend PAUL SULLIVAN.
There are times when my mind wanders to the question, “What is Kyle Farnsworth doing right now?” Usually, I assume the answer is, “Pouring itching powder into David DeJesus’ jock and giving Mike Aviles a swirly.” But I would have been wrong yesterday. Because yesterday, Farnsworth was getting eaten by his own dogs.
This week’s Muskbag somehow manages to revisit Rich Hill. No one revisits Rich Hill. Rich Hill isn’t even going to have visitors at his house for Thanksgiving. But the Muskbag has all the Rich Hill coverage you could possibly want.