Hire Jim Essian

Whenever a team lets a player go for no compensation, although they say all the right things and wish him well, they are secretly hoping that the player sucks throughout the course of his career. You hope he becomes Mark Prior or Matt Clement or Rueben Quevedo. You certainly don't want him to become the greatest pitcher of ... Read More

BUD SELIG sits alone in his office on a chair designed as a full-size model of Barry Bonds' head. He practices his thoughtful expression in a mirror on his desk. Did I mention that the desk is constructed of boxes filled with "1994 World Series" t-shirts? And let's just say the mirror is made of hypodermic needles ... Read More

Last night when my goddamn Comcast DVR box decided not to record Lost EVEN THOUGH, Lost is number one on my "Series Priority List," and EVEN THOUGH it decided to record the Lost rerun immediately before it and Life on Mars immediately after it, I decided to watch some of the old stuff I had on the DVR. One ... Read More

WOO WOO! All aboard the Danimal Express! This train will be departing as soon as I can pack up my face makeup and tweezers. I'm boarding a train. Or maybe I am the train. I never really figured that out. Destination? Bigger and better things, with stops at the Waffle House, Target, and ... Read More