Hire Jim Essian

Here's a not-at-all-funny story of my life that has absolutely no payoff. In 2001, I was a starry-eyed high school teacher with two hundred dollars in my savings account, and not a care in the world. Including the educational futures of CHILDREN. In the midst of finals week, my brother-in-law called me on my Motorola i90c cellular phone (with push-to-talk functionality!) and asked if I wanted to go to the Cubs-Cardinals game at Wrigley Field that night. "But, brother-in-law," I said. "Surely, all of the tickets for tonight's game are sold out!"

Before we dive knuckles-first into this week's Muskbox, it's my duty to point out that tickets to tonight's compelling Cubs-Reds matchup are currently selling for ONE DOLLAR AND FORTY-EIGHT CENTS on StubHub. (HT: Ned Ryerson) If you've been waiting to see Rodrigo Lopez pitch, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE. SIDE NOTE: Anyone need two tickets for tonight's game? Face ... Read More

Travel back in time with me, if you will, to a time before the Cubs' "Cajun Connection" of former Louisiana State University players Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot. Years before that cute moniker was first used to describe the diminutive middle infielders, the Cubs had a GRITTY second baseman with beard stubble and a Tiger pedigree of his own. ... Read More

Jim Thome's Major League Baseball career started in 1991, the same year as one James Sarkis Essian. Nearly TWENTY years after his rookie season, Thome managed to garner an AL MVP vote while compiling a .283/.412/.627 slash line with the 2010 Minnesota Twins. Thome has continued to be a productive hitter and, by all accounts, a very likeable, ... Read More

Returning to the Muskbox after a long weekend of making fun of Gordon Wittenmyer makes me realize what's really important in life. And that's knowing that, no matter how many Matchbox cars I shove up my nose, I will never be the stupidest Cub fan on this green-and-blue marble we call Earth. Especially not with Gordon still out there. Okay, ... Read More

This week's Muskbox sadly came out just before Ryan Theriot was traded to the Cardinals, natural enemies of the Cub. But that's okay. I suspect that next week's Muskbox is going to be absolutely epic in its garment-rending. But fisking duty calls. Marlon Byrd was awesome in center field this year. Did he get any votes for a ... Read More

If there's one sports radio refrain that annoys me, it's, "Tom Ricketts is being SO SMART AND CAREFUL about his evaluation of Jim Hendry." Bullshit. The Cubs are now halfway through their first season under Ricketts' ownership. They're 39-50, with the third-highest payroll in all of Major League Baseball. The only two more expensive teams are ... Read More

You're so predictable, Cubs fans. More predictable than the Cubs losing the first two games of every single series. More predictable than Randy Wells getting lit up in the first inning. More predictable than Ryan Theriot swinging at a first pitch. The five people who are still watching Cub baseball all wrote in to the Muskbox ... Read More

It's Tax Day, and I'm having a shitty one. What better time to turn my glower to this week's Muskbox? None. None better time. Get your Tyler Colvin boners out, because they're about to get a rubdown. Why did the Cubs sign Marlon Byrd? To play center field. Next question, asshole. They have Tyler Colvin, who is big ... Read More

So, Dolan and Kermit start a new blog and don't invite me and Skip? FUCK. YOU. GUYS. The rest of you know where to find the only GOOD writers in the baseball blogosphere. Right here. At HJE. And those writers are me and Skip. Don't send your Roundup tips to Fisting Fouls, ... Read More