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On Carl Everett's perfectly-flat planet, Kevin Mitchell is President of Earth, The New Girl is a great idea for a sitcom, and the Chicago Cubs are perennial World Series contenders. Oh, yeah, and dinosaurs didn't exist because God didn't mention them when he wrote the Bible. And God isn't a liar, idiot. Or should I say, "God isn't a liar, paleontologist?" Perhaps the reason Kenny Williams traded twenty-three players for Carl Everett is because Everett is #4 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

When one thinks of the great families in baseball history, some names come to mind. The Alous. The Alomars. The Bondses. The Griffeys. The Ripkens. The...Cansecos? The Hairstons? But Cubs fans know that the greatest baseball family of all time is the Valentin family. The Valentin brothers, Jose and Javier, are the fifth-biggest Cub Killers of My Time.

Before you didn't watch A.J. Pierzynski cheat the White Sox into the 2005 World Series, there was probably already something in your gut that made you hate him. Your gut was absolutely right. The nicest thing that fellow asshole Ozzie Guillen could say about Pierzynski is, "If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him a little less." For one thing, I didn't know assholes could smell their own. For a second thing, there is no way Ozzie Guillen said that as eloquently as that quote is written. For yet another thing, when even OZZIE GUILLEN thinks you're an asshole, it's time to take some serious stock of your life. Though Pierzynski's numbers against the Cubs have dropped in the last few years, I have no qualms about placing the infuriating mullet of A.J. Pierzynski at #7 of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Carlos Lee likes killing the Cubs like a fat kid like Carlos Lee likes cake. For all of you atheist Cub fans out there, I understand your godless ways. After all, what sort of higher power would allow Carlos Lee to play all but 59 of his 1,952 career games wearing the uniform of Cub "rivals"? Old Testament, maybe? Wherever your faith lies, know this. If you didn't utter "GOD DAMMIT" during at least one Carlos Lee's 541 at-bats against the Cubs, then you'll never understand why he pounded his way to #8 on the list of the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Where were you on June 17, 2011? Did you know it was a historic date? Not only did the Cubs manage to defeat the mighty New York Yankees at Wrigley Field, but somehow DOUG DAVIS managed to defeat the New York Yankees at Wrigley Field. Oh, also, it was the first time in the history of Major ... Read More

The 2011 season ground to a merciful halt yesterday. In a beautiful display of symmetry, it ended much the same way it started, with Ryan Dempster walking everyone in the park, serving up a grand slam, and losing to a shitty team. In case you missed the past six months of baseball, the Cubs didn't make the playoffs ... Read More

Somewhere in the MLB Network studios, Sean Casey is still running out a double that he hit in 2006, his last year in the National League Central. That double was likely hit against a Cub pitcher. You see, the pudgy, slow-footed, affable Sean Casey did some of the best work of his 12-season career against the Chicago Cubs. ... Read More

If there's one terrible thing about having to watch Comcast Sports Net and WGN to see Cubs games, it's the fact that the Cubs share TV time with the White Sox. Therefore, every time they run a TV promo of two of the most exciting moments in recent (2005 DIDN'T FUCKING HAPPEN) White Sox history, I have no choice ... Read More

Far be it from me to laugh at a 7-5 team for their most-recent bullpen meltdown. HJE is WAY too classy to engage in that sort of mockery, especially when the Sox are much more likely than the Cubs to be in a race come September. I'll just let Ozzie do the mocking for me in a way ... Read More

Why am I always the one getting left out of the fun? Al Yellon gets an interview with Tom Ricketts, Dolan gets the opportunity to tear to shreds analyze that "interview." And all I get is an untimely interview with Mark Buehrle. Oh, well. Here it is, anyhow. Bad Kermit: Mark Buehrle, starting pitcher for the ... Read More