What are the Cubs thinking by sending Zambrano to the ‘pen? Why not sign a free agent like Jason Isringhausen or Braden Looper. They could sign both if they wanted to.

We’ll show them! We’ll sign a shitty reliever! We’ll sign all the shitty relievers in the world! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

I don’t see the logic in an $18 million setup man. Please, if there is any logic behind this move, could you inform the masses.
– Kevin B., Beecher, Ill.

Could you use a question mark at the end of your interrogatory statements? Or can you at least make your voice go up a little bit at the end of your questions, like ^this?

CARRIE: If you don’t factor in Zambrano’s salary and objectively compare him to the other Cubs starters, it makes sense.

If you read that quickly enough, it seems like it says if you don’t consider Zambrano’s salary and you don’t objectively compare him to the other Cubs starters, it makes sense. In the following circumstances, the move also makes sense.

• You learned the game of baseball under the watchful eye of Tony LaRussa.
• You lost to Ryan Theriot in a spelling contest.
• You’ve ever submitted a non-ironic question to the Muskbox.
• You haven’t been banned from Bleed Cubbie Blue.
• You’re reading this post in a polo and aviator sunglasses while drinking a PBR.

CARRIE: With Ted Lilly coming back, it looked like either Carlos Silva or Tom Gorzelanny was headed to the ‘pen to make room. But Silva battled shoulder problems last year in Seattle.

And you definitely want to rely on a guy coming off a year with shoulder problems to anchor your rotation. That’s why the Cubs steadfastly REFUSED to move Kerry Wood out of the starting rotation. They absolutely knew that his fragile arm could not handle the rigors of having to pitch on consecutive days out of the bullpen.

You know, it’s quite possible that the Cubs are totally full of shit and just make up stuff.

CARRIE: You need a durable setup pitcher. That’s Zambrano. Gorzelanny never pitched in relief until last season and it didn’t work well. He has to start.

“Tom, you sucked last year out of the bullpen in just over 38 innings pitched, so we have no choice but to try to pitch you 200 innings this year. Also, can you help me tighten the chin strap on my tin foil helmet?”

CARRIE: Ryan Dempster and Randy Wells have been terrific so far, and Lilly threw six shutout innings in his first start.

And got rocked his second start. If the Cubs hold true to their 2010 M.O., Lilly will get bumped from the rotation as soon as Jeff Samardzija is ready.

CARRIE: What the Cubs are thinking is they need help in the setup role, and if you take personalities and payroll out of the equation, Big Z makes the most sense.

Didn’t you just say this using a bunch of other words?

CARRIE: Plus, he was willing to do this. The momentum may have shifted in the National League Central on Saturday night when Zambrano began his new job as a setup pitcher.

I can all but guarantee that the 18-8 Cardinals are SHITTING THEIR PANTS WITH FEAR now that the Cubs are back to .500. Or maybe they’re shitting their pants with uproarious laughter that the Cubs moved one of the best starting pitchers in the division to a setup role. Who am I to ask these questions?

CARRIE: “The bottom line is that at this particular time, it makes us a better club,” general manager Jim Hendry said. “[Zambrano] didn’t throw poorly. [Silva and Gorzelanny], their arsenal isn’t conducive to going to the ‘pen. … There’s no agenda at all, except it was the best fit at the time. He’s capable of doing it.”

This answer is getting awfully long. It’s almost like the Cubs realized the move was idiotic but didn’t want to admit that they made a mistake, so they sent a messenger out, possibly to be shot.

CARRIE: Hendry looked for an experienced setup pitcher all offseason and couldn’t find a good match.

“Sorry, everyone! I honestly believed that Mariano Rivera might have been hiding at the bottom of this 60-pack of Munchkins. My bad!”

CARRIE: Isringhausen and Looper are both high risk because of their past injuries.

So was Chad Fox. The thing about high-risk guys like that is that you sign them, pitch them until their arms explode, and don’t really give a shit when they can’t lift their newborn daughter into her high chair to blow out the candles on her first birthday cake.

YOU FUCKING MONSTERS!!! YOU RUINED CHAD FOX’S LIFE!!!

CARRIE: If the Cubs made a mistake, it was…

1. …Brock-for-Broglio.
2. …moving Zambrano to the bullpen.
3. …trotting Mark Prior back out to the mound after he got his shoulder ripped off by Marcus Giles.
4. …hiring Chip Caray.
5. …Juan Pierre, Milton Bradley, Jacques Jones, Todd Hundley.

CARRIE: …counting on rookie Esmailin Caridad to be able to handle the setup role after his September outings.

That one isn’t even in the team picture for retarded mistakes the Cubs have made.

CARRIE: Caridad has the stuff, but he’s a rookie, and when he returns, he can be eased into appearances in less pressure situations.

Is there anyone on the pitching staff whose diapers don’t need to be changed every few hours by Lou?

CARRIE: Angel Guzman would have been great in the bullpen, but he couldn’t be counted on for the setup role because of his past history of shoulder and elbow problems.

Clearly, they should throw him in the starting rotation and demote Dempster to mop-up duty.

CARRIE: Zambrano has said he will do this until the Cubs find another setup pitcher. Nobody knows when that will be.

When- and who- that is, is hard to define.

CARRIE: “I don’t have a time frame,” Hendry said. “It makes us a better club right now. All the other guys are pitching great. A month from now, somebody may slip up or someone has an injury and things change.”

IS THIS ANSWER EVER GOING TO END?

CARRIE: Which means Zambrano could move back into the rotation. By that time, Caridad may be more effective. One thing is clear, salary was not a factor.

Other non-factors: statistics, past performance, loyalty, offensive production, badassery, and fear of a retaliatory ass kicking.

CARRIE: “You can’t worry about anybody’s individual salary,” Hendry said.

…as he signed John Grabow to a 5-year, $50M extension.

CARRIE: “Things change. People adjust. We’re going to have an injury or two along the way…

Please be Ryan Theriot. Please be Ryan Theriot. Please be Ryan Theriot.

CARRIE: “…and we’ll adjust to that. … Nobody ever breaks camp with the 25 in the same role and just run the table, win 100 and goes to the playoffs.

KERMIT: So, Jim. In your wildest fantasy, you only win 100 games and just MAKE IT to the playoffs?
JIM: Yeah, but you haven’t heard who we play in the playoffs!
KERMIT: Who?
JIM: The Mets!
KERMIT: How do you do?
JIM: We lose in Game Five on a walk-off suicide squeeze!
KERMIT: Sounds exciting. Also, I fucking hate you.

CARRIE: “To get hung up on what somebody makes or what they used to do or what’s going to happen a month from now or who you’re going to acquire, that’s foolish thinking.”

TRANSLATION: Please, Mr. Ricketts, don’t look at how much you’re paying me.

I’ve been a Sean Marshall fan since he became a member of the Cubs.

High five, brother.

Checking the stats from the April 11 game vs. the Reds, I noticed that Marshall pitched two-thirds of an inning, resulting in one hit, but no earned runs (continuing his scoreless streak). However, he was credited with a blown save. Is this accurate? How can someone not allow any runs and get charged with a blown save?
– Dan Y., Oklahoma City, Okla.

Even statisticians inexplicably hate SeanBearPig.

CARRIE: Marshall came into that game to relieve Gorzelanny with the Cubs ahead, 1-0, and the bases loaded. It was a save situation for the lefty, and he promptly allowed an RBI single to Miguel Cairo. Although the run isn’t charged to Marshall, a blown save is charged to the pitcher who is on the mound when the tying run scores.

SeanBearPig relieved Gorzelanny to pitch to Miguel Cairo? I’m going to check with Ed Hartig on this one, but is that the butt-ass ugliest sequence of baseball ever played?

What is the average WHIP in the National League or Major Leagues? What is considered good (like a 3.00 ERA or a .300 batting average)?
– Darrell C., Munster, Ind.

What would you say is a significant number?

CARRIE: First, let’s explain what WHIP is.

I am literally giddy with anticipation at the thought of Carrie explaining this.

CARRIE (rifling through baseball encyclopedia): It’s a sabermetric measurement for the number of baserunners a pitcher has allowed per inning pitched. To determine it, you add walks plus hits and divide that by innings pitched. It’s considered a more effective way to determine a pitcher’s effectiveness.

You okay so far? You want a little breather?

CARRIE: A WHIP of 1.00 or smaller over the course of the season will rank among the league leaders. The lowest single-season WHIP was set by Pedro Martinez in 2000, when he gave up 128 hits and 32 walks over 217 innings for a 0.7373 WHIP. In 2009, Arizona’s Dan Haren led the NL with a 1.00 WHIP, and Kansas City’s Zack Greinke was tops in the American League with a 1.07 WHIP.

“Oh, you asked about the average WHIP in the NL or the MLB? Is that a three-headed monkey behind you?”

CARRIE: Through Monday, Silva was leading the Cubs and the NL with a 0.77 WHIP. But it’s early.

Yes, not even Carrie thinks that Silva can keep this up. Somewhere, Carlos Zambrano is tattooing “LOVE” and “HATE” on his knuckles.

CARRIE: Ted Lilly is third among the Cubs and he’s only had one start. What’s encouraging is that Carlos Marmol has a 0.94 WHIP. Compare that with Jeff Samardzija, who…

…is terrible. Come to think of it, it makes no real sense to compare them at all.

CARRIE: …gave up five hits and six walks over 3 1/3 innings for a 3.30 WHIP. The last Cubs pitcher to lead the NL in WHIP in a season was Fergie Jenkins in 1970 at 1.04.

Has Hendry looked into signing him? Perhaps at the bottom of a jumbo tub of popcorn with extra nacho cheese powder?

How does the organization decide where to send players in the Minors? I see they sent Starlin Castro to Double-A Tennessee and Darwin Barney to Triple-A Iowa. Does this mean the front office feels Barney is more ready for the big leagues than Castro? It seems like they call up pitchers from Double-A and position players from Triple-A.
– Jerry A., Masonville, Iowa

Just admit that you’re really pissed off that Castro isn’t playing 2 hours and 45 minutes from your home in Iowa right now.

CARRIE: Barney was in Triple-A last year. He did nothing this spring to warrant a demotion, and in fact, impressed the Cubs with his defensive play. If they needed an infielder to sub at the big league level for a short-term callup, Barney could be the guy. As well as Castro has played — and he’s tearing it up at Tennessee, batting .361 — he only played 31 games there. It’s better for him to have success at Double-A and force the Cubs to move him up, rather than be assigned to Iowa at the start of the year, struggle and then be dropped from Triple-A to Double-A.

I think it would be better if he were starting at shortstop in Chicago, and Theriot was riding the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier.

CARRIE: And a note to Rebel Ridling fans:

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

CARRIE: He was slowed this spring because of health issues but joined Class A Daytona on Tuesday.

THANK GOD.

I would play Tyler Colvin almost every day.

“Because I think it’s a good idea to bench one of the three most productive hitters in the starting lineup in favor of Tyler Colvin.”

He’s a great defensive player, and the Cubs need defense when they’re not swinging the bats well. Good defense can inspire good offense.
– Jeff L., Kenosha, Wis.

You’re a dope.

CARRIE: Manager Lou Piniella is trying to get Colvin in the lineup as often as he can through his outfield rotation, and it seems to be working. The Cubs have liked what they’ve seen of Colvin’s glove and bat.

Wilson and Louisville Slugger, if you’re wondering. Sleek lines. Smell like leather and pine tar, respectively.

CARRIE: He nearly hit for the cycle Sunday, and then tripled off a left-hander on Monday.

Why in the world was he facing John Grabow?

Is Rudy Jaramillo’s hitting program something that could be implemented organization-wise? Has there been talk of doing such? I’m wondering if his approach could be taught to other coaches.
– Matt W., Atlanta, Texas

I agree. Jaramillo came from Texas with hardly a blemish on his record. I really think the Cubs should get more proactiv in instituting his teachings. I don’t want to pimple Gerald Perry too much, but it really feels like the Cubs have been swinging the bats a lot more clean and clear this season. They’ve taken a lot of stride-ex at the plate. It’s clearasil that this neutrogena approach is working. Just oxy anyone involved with the team.

CARRIE: Actually, one of the first things Jaramillo did at the Cubs’ organizational meetings in November was talk to the Minor League hitting coaches about that. All players in the Cubs system are following Jaramillo’s program.

The Rudy Jaramillo Hitting Program:

1. Get traded to Texas.
2. Inject yourself with horse steroids.
3. ???
4. Profit!

And now, on to this week’s Muskbox.

Everyone is talking about how Theriot is going to move to second when Castro comes up. No one seems to mention how Fontenot is going to lose his job.

Mostly because all of those people are busily following the career of Rebel Ridling.

I highly doubt the Cubs can keep Jeff Baker and Fontenot and Theriot all playing second…

If they did, they might have the equivalent of ONE good defensive second baseman.

…so someone has to go. Anyways, Fontenot has been playing well and should keep getting at-bats.
– Michael D., Des Plaines, Ill.

He has three extra-base hits. All doubles. He’s slugging .348. Face it. The fact that he can legally be carried on for free to a United Airlines flight finally caught up to him.

CARRIE: Slow down.

“Tell me how you’ve been a naughty boy, and how you don’t return your overdue library books on time!”

CARRIE: Castro is not coming up this week or next. He may not get a call until September when rosters expand. The highly-touted shortstop is batting .354 at Double-A Tennessee but still has a lot of baseball to learn.

You only get 27 outs. Try not to make any of them. There you go. Get his ass up here.

CARRIE: He turned 20 in March. He has the physical talent and now it’s a matter of developing baseball smarts. When the Cubs call him up, they don’t want him wearing uniform No. 67 but a number better suited for a regular.

Only this organization is so idiotic that they care what uniform number their number one prospect is going to wear in the even that he actually makes it to the big leagues.

CARRIE: As for Theriot, he’s well aware of Castro’s presence and has been since before Spring Training started.

Is he aware that there’s going to be a Transformers THREE???

CARRIE: GM Jim Hendry has talked to Theriot about the possibility of moving to second.

Theriot held up four fingers and said, “THAT’S THIS MANY!”

CARRIE: Where does that leave Fontenot and Baker?

The bench, thank God.

CARRIE: That will depend on who’s hot. Baker can sub at third. Maybe one of the infielders is moved in a trade. But all of that is a long way from happening. Keep in mind, if Theriot is hurt and expected to miss 15 days, you’d probably see Darwin Barney called up from Triple-A Iowa and not Castro.

You’d also see me, covered in brake fluid and running away from Theriot’s car.

Where is Baker? We haven’t seen him since April 26. He doesn’t have the highest batting average but he gets the bat on the ball and is a power hitter.
– J.G., Washington, D.C.

“He’s not the smartest guy, but as far as I know he’s never shat himself. At least not in public.”
“She’s not the prettiest girl, but you can definitely tell she’s a girl when she shaves her face.”
“He’s not the greatest GM, but he’s never traded for Juan Pierre- Oh, God, he did WHAT?”

CARRIE: You’re right, Baker hasn’t played since April 26.

So far, you’re the first person who’s noticed. And that’s INCLUDING Jeff Baker.

CARRIE: But he’ll probably start Tuesday night against Pirates lefty Paul Maholm.

Darla, cancel my evening plans! Jeff Baker is starting tonight!

(realizes he doesn’t have evening plans)

(realizes he doesn’t have a secretary)

(realizes he doesn’t even know a “Darla”)

(cries)

CARRIE: He’s hitting .214 overall and .320 (8-for-25) against left-handers so far. Power? He has two home runs. Fontenot may not have any but he’s hitting .303 overall and .306 against right-handers. It’s been a good platoon so far and no dropoff defensively.

Never mind the fact that Baker is slugging 80 points higher than Fontenot. Or that Fontenot only has one more extra-base hit than Baker has home runs. Fontenot helped Frodo get all the way to Mount Doom, so he should start.

Do you think the recent actions and inactions by the Arizona legislature will make Florida more likely a reality? Truthfully, I had hoped the Cubs would remain in Arizona, but in light of recent events, I have my doubts.
– Jonathan M., Cary, N.C.

Politics in the Muskbox?

RIDICULOUSNESS WARNING LEVEL: BRIGHT RED

CARRIE: What happened is the Arizona legislature adjourned without passing legislation the Cubs need to keep their Spring Training site in Mesa, Ariz. However, that doesn’t mean the Cubs are headed to Florida. The Arizona lawmakers could still call a special session to resolve the matter. The Cubs and Mesa officials signed a memorandum of understanding (MOU) in late January that provides exclusive negotiation between the team and the city. One of the conditions of the MOU was that the legislature determine some kind of funding by July 12, 2010. Major League Baseball has stepped in to help figure out a way to finance the Cubs’ project without overtaxing other Cactus League teams. It’s May 3. There’s time.

Am I the only one who assumed that this question was at least partially about the immigration bill? You know, what with it being a current event which everyone is talking about?

Where is Esmailin Caridad? I thought he was going to be activated right after the 15 days?
– Ryan G., Ashland, Ohio

If there’s one thing this bullpen needs, it’s his steady 13.50 ERA.

CARRIE: When a player goes on the 15-day disabled list, it doesn’t mean they are automatically activated after that time span.

You see, Ryan, when a player and the disabled list love each other very much, they do a special kind of hugging. And then the disabled list’s tummy gets really big, and nine months later, Mark Prior pops out.

CARRIE: Caridad pitched one inning on Saturday in Mesa, and will join Triple-A Iowa this week to test his arm in games. He was placed on the DL, retroactive to April 12, with a strained forearm. If all goes well, he could join the Cubs by the end of this week.

At which point, Ryan Dempster will be sent to the bullpen.

If the situation presented itself, would manager Lou Piniella bring in Carlos Zambrano to relieve Carlos Silva and then have Carlos Marmol close? Seeing as how my name is Carlos, it was one of the first things I thought of when I heard Big Z was going to the ‘pen.

I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt and pray that the very first thing was, “Why the fuck do I root for this franchise?” Followed by, “I would really like to hit Jim Hendry in the temple with a tire iron.” Then, possibly, “I wonder how much brimstone-rimmed, thorned dick Carlos Silva had to suck to stay in the rotation.”

And then the Carlos thing.

Has anything like that ever happened before where a starter, reliever and closer for a team all pitch in the same game and all have the same first name? I know it’s lame, but I’m curious.
– Carlos L., New Albany, Ind.

I’m glad I made the assumption I did. At least he knows it’s lame.

CARRIE: It happened April 26 against the Nationals. Silva went seven innings, Sean Marshall broke up the symmetry by pitching one-third of an inning, then Zambrano went 1 2/3 innings and Marmol pitched the ninth and ended up with the win.

I don’t really think you’re playing by the rules.

CARRIE: It was the first time the Cubs used three pitchers with the same first name in a game since June 5, 1966, when Bill Hands, Bill Connors and Bill Hoeft all appeared in an 8-3 loss to the Reds in Cincinnati. Thanks to historian Ed Hartig for that tidbit.

HARTIG: Someone please kill me.

CARRIE: Maybe Marshall will change his first name.

Always leave them with a joke!

No, there’s no more Muskbox. That was it. See you next week.

• Can Geovany Soto pick Ryan Theriot off first base before Theriot’s plane even lands in Arizona?
• How is Ryan Dempster’s Snooki impression?
• WHO IS GOING TO WRITE THE CUBS BLOG THIS YEAR???
• Why is Rudy Jaramillo already here? Seriously.
• Now that Aaron Heilman is gone, who is going to explain last night’s Lost to Larry Rothschild?
• How many different articles will underappreciate and undervalue Carlos Zambrano?
• Where the heck is Chad Fox?
• I THINK DEMPSTER SHOULD WRITE THE CUBS BLOG, BECAUSE HE’S FUNNY.
• Can God create a burrito so big that Carlos Silva won’t swallow it whole?
• How can we figure out a way to blame this season on Milton Bradley? I’m going with, “They had to trade him for Carlos Silva.”
• MAYBE SILVA SHOULD BE THE NEW CUBS BLOGGER, SINCE HE HOPEFULLY WON’T BE PITCHING THAT OFTEN.
• How many dopes expected the Cubs to move down to Florida and preemptively bought condos down there?
• Can Greg Maddux fill in for Ted Lilly while Ted is rehabbing his shoulder?
• HOW ABOUT GREG MADDUX? HE NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO BE A CUB BLOGGER, THANKS TO LARRY FUCKING HIMES!

Happy Pitchers and Catchers Reporting Day!

I read that Guzman is in the mix to fill in for Ted Lilly while Lilly recovers from shoulder surgery.

/Googles “angel guzman starter ted lilly”
//gets YOUR made-up question
///breaks internet

Are the Cubs seriously considering Guzman to be a starter?

I’d laugh at you and accuse you of making something up that you never actually read, but this is a team that’s actually considering Carlos Silva to be a starter. So, I’ll say, “Oh, God, maybe.”

He was very effective as a reliever last year, and the team already seems to be one reliever short at the back end of the bullpen. Wouldn’t it make more sense to leave Guzman in the bullpen where he’s had success and choose another option to fill in for Lilly?
– Erich B., Bourbonnais, Ill.

THE SAME Erich B. from Bourbonnais who, in a previous Muskbox, referred to Orlando Hudson as “O-Dog”? In case you haven’t noticed, E-Dog, “things that make sense” aren’t really the Cubs’ primary objective. They’re more a “things that serve as a reminder that Chad Fox is not, as you previously suspected, actually dead” type of ball club.

CARRIE: Not sure where you read that…

Jack Torrance’s typewriter.

CARRIE: …but Guzman is not a candidate to sub for Lilly. Guzman, who has battled elbow and shoulder injuries in his career, seems to have made the switch to relief very well and has a better chance of emerging as the right-handed complement to lefty John Grabow.

Meanwhile, Mike Fontenot shall be the left-handed complement to Jeff Baker, Derrek Lee shall be the other-side-of-the-infielded complement to Aramis Ramirez, Alan Trammell shall be the less-foul-mouthed complement to Lou Piniella, and The Muskbox will be the less-informative complement to the Wrigley Field marquee.

CARRIE: He could help set up closer Carlos Marmol.

The Barack Obamaed complement to Rick Vaughn!

CARRIE: The list for potential starters to fill in for Lilly includes Jeff Samardzija, Tom Gorzelanny, Sean Marshall and Rule 5 Draft pick Michael Parisi.

NOT AN OPTION: Death.

CARRIE: This will be a big year for Samardzija, who seemed to have a tough time getting into a rhythm last season. In 2008, he compiled a 2.28 ERA in 26 relief appearances. Could he be a better reliever than starter?

Yes, because he won’t pitch as much. Hey, wait a minute. WHO’S ASKING THE QUESTIONS, HERE?

CARRIE: Bouncing back and forth last season between the big league team and the Minors didn’t help the right-hander. He did have a chance to work on his offspeed pitches in Mexico this winter.

Also, his Spanish.

CARRIE: The Cubs also have to find a good role for newcomer Carlos Silva, who has been used primarily as a starter.

What that role is, is hard to define. But here are some suggestions:

1. Batting practice pitcher
2. Fifth starter in Iowa
3. Towel rack
4. Guy who actually makes everyone miss Milton Bradley

From what I understand, the starting outfield will be Alfonso Soriano in left, Marlon Byrd in center and Kosuke Fukudome in right. My question is, after seeing the Cubs acquire Nady, is he going to play off the bench or contend for a starting job? If his role is going to be off the bench, no disrespect to Nady because he’s a decent player, but a one-year, $3 million contract plus incentives is a lot of money for a bench player.
– Sean M., Geneseo, Ill.

I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to tell you. Why don’t you have a seat? Just throw those newspapers on the floor. Okay. Kosuke Fukudome- Well- Fukudome is a bench player. And he’s going to make $13M this year…. No, American dollars. And $13.5M next year. That’s a total of $48M over four years from the Cubs. You okay? Put your head between your knees, or something.

CARRIE: That’s how much Reed Johnson was paid last season, and he was considered a bench player.

Not by THIS card-carrying member of Reed’s Regiment^TM!

CARRIE: The Cubs are hoping Nady is able to share time in right field with Fukudome, facing tough left-handed pitching, and also can spell Soriano as well as pinch-hit. First, we have to see how well Nady can throw following Tommy John ligament replacement surgery on his elbow.

No, FIRST we sign Nady. THEN we see how well he can throw following Tommy John surgery. It’s a plan SO simple that it actually seems really, really stupid.

I’m concerned the Cubs haven’t addressed all of their holes.

Heh heh heh.

We don’t have a good backup for third base…

Jeff Baker.

…second base needs some help…

Jeff Baker, Mike Fontenot, and, if there is a God and He doesn’t hate me as much as he acts like it sometimes, Ryan Theriot.

…the bullpen needs help…

Why do people keep saying this? The bullpen should be pretty damn good. They were at least decent last year with a collective 4.11 ERA, 1.394 WHIP, and 8.0 SO/9. This year, you removed Kevin Gregg, and added full years of John Grabow, Tom Gorzelanny, and possibly Esmailin Caridad, Justin Berg, or Jose Ascanio. Sean Marshall has been great as a reliever, and Samardzija is allegedly going to finally be good. Incidentally, check out the sponsor of Samardzija’s page on Baseball-Reference:

Bootstraps the Bussie sponsor(s) this page.

NOBODY was more excited about your choosing baseball over football than I was…HOWEVER…your off the field late night activities while playing here in Daytona with the Cubs were VERY VERY sad…please change your ways and become a role model.

Wow.

…and I’m really afraid of the starting pitching.

That’s good, because no one in the National League is, either. I’m here all week, folks, but the starting pitching should actually be tolerable.

Do you see any moves to plug some of the problems?
– Frank C. Harvard, Ill.

Yes. I call it “The Swirl.”

CARRIE: Not immediately. The Cubs’ scouts will be at spring camps in both Arizona and Florida to look at possible additions, most likely via trade. Jeff Baker is the third base backup, which the Cubs didn’t have last year, and he, Mike Fontenot and Andres Blanco will share second. Let’s see what new hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo can do with Fontenot.

Fit him into a breadbox?

CARRIE: The bullpen is missing one experienced pitcher or they could stick with the kids.

“Or maybe they’ll go a different route entirely and bring in a bunch of monkeys to handle the late innings. I don’t know. I’m a beat reporter, not a psychic.”

CARRIE: As for the starting pitching, that’s the deepest, with Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, Randy Wells, Lilly, Silva, Samardzija, Gorzelanny, Marshall and Parisi. And that list doesn’t include any of the young arms in the system who will get a look this spring, such as Jay Jackson and Mitch Atkins. Guess I’m not as concerned as you are.

CLASS DISMISSED!

My suggestion for a blogger this year [to take over for Johnson] is Lilly. I would like to see a pitcher’s perspective, especially with his rehab.
– Tom E., St. Louis

Hey, Ted. I know you recently had surgery on your shoulder, but if it’s not too much to ask, do you think instead of rehabbing that shoulder, you could sit in this uncomfortable chair at a computer and type until you get carpal tunnel?

CARRIE: Here’s hoping Lilly’s rehab only lasts a few weeks into the regular season so fans won’t have to read much about that.

We’d prefer to hear the tales of him stalking DePaul coeds through the night air, seducing them, and luring him back to his home, where it’s WHAM! Meat tenderizer to the skull!

CARRIE: He could be ready mid-April or May 1. The team doesn’t want to set a deadline, preferring to wait and see when the lefty is ready.

Why set a deadline? If you can wait over a century for a World Series Championship, surely you can wait until May to get Ted Lilly into the rotation.

I think Dempster would be the perfect guy for the blog this year. He’s hilarious and seems really good with the press and clearly loves the fans. Is he open to it?
– Jake L., Moscow, Idaho

And we can finally see if Dempster can write like Will Ferrell writing like Harry Caray!

CARRIE: Dempster is all of the above…

As well as annoying.

CARRIE: …but he does have a lot on his plate.

Like a shaving cream pie!

CARRIE: He’s created a foundation…

Comic Relief?

CARRIE: …the Ryan and Jenny Dempster Family Foundation, to help raise awareness of DiGeorge Syndrome and reach out to families affected by it. Their daughter, Riley, who turns 1 on April 1, was born with the disorder, caused by deletions within the 22q11 chromosome, and she has difficulty swallowing.

Oh. Killjoy.

CARRIE: You can find out more by going to the foundation’s Web site.

“I’m not gonna tell you what it is, but you can sure find out a lot more there! Oh, the things I learned after going to Ryan Dempster’s website! Right on the website, they actually TELL YOU THE CURE for DiGeorge Syndrome! And it’s such a simple cure, I wouldn’t even have thought of it if I hadn’t gone to Ryan Dempster’s website!”

Incidentally, she did NOT link the site from the actual Muskbox. If you want it, it’s HERE.

A suggestion for this year’s blog, maybe Nady? It would be nice to hear the day-to-day thoughts of a guy like him playing for the Cubs for the first time and coming off an injury.
– J.T., Mobile, Ala.

It’s possible that the guy might never take a single at-bat as a Cub. So, essentially, he has the same blogging credentials as I do. Sign him up!

CARRIE: Nady is a possibility. There also were a lot of votes cast for Ryan Theriot.

Also, a lot of votes cast against. But then I got carpal tunnel and I’m rehabbing with Lilly now.

I think we all want to see “Big Z” do the blog.
– David C., Chicago

Here is a quick list of things I want to see Zambrano do:

1. Pitch
2. Punch Ryan Theriot in the face
3. Hit
4. Grow out his mustache
5. Field
6. Win a hot-dog-eating competition
7. Run the bases
8. Ride a zorse
9. Blog

CARRIE: Zambrano did a blog in Spanish last year for loscubs.com for a short time…

You mean, THE source of information about DiJorge Síndrome?

CARRIE: …but the reader comments became rather personal and unpleasant, so it was stopped.

A shiny gold coin to anyone who can bring me the contents of that blog. I’ll give you a hint. It’s not this one.

CARRIE: Commentators need to think before hitting that “submit” button.

“Do as I say, not as I do.”

I’d suggest Koyie Hill. He seems like a nice guy with his charity and at the Cubs Convention, he wasn’t too much of a big timer that he would ignore it.

That’s because he’s not a big timer. He’s a backup catcher.

I think he would provide a great perspective.
– Rob S., Cary, Ill.

KOYIE’S BOYIES: NUGGETS OF PERSPECTIVE FROM KOYIE HILL

Lesson 1: What to do when you hack off half your fingers with a table saw
Lesson 2: Backing up Rob Bowen; is this seriously my life?
Lesson 3: Why Lou yells so much; my Ryan Theriot story

CARRIE: Hill would be an excellent choice. However, he’s also pretty sharp.

You might even say he’s sharper than a tack. No, a table saw! He’s sharper than a table saw! You might even say that you should keep your fingers away from Koyie Hill, lest he chops them off, and you have to go through both surgery and an agonizing rehabilitation process to have them reattached and to regain motion in them!

CARRIE: A few readers pointed out that past bloggers Mark DeRosa and Johnson did not last long with the Cubs. Hill may know that. Paulette H. in Peoria does.

I retract all of my votes against Ryan Theriot and hereby submit them all as votes FOR Theriot.

One more chance: The last two bloggers were sent on their way the following year, but I’m going to live dangerously and suggest Dempster as the blogger this year.

Seconded.

If he goes, I suggest we retire the blogging.
– Paulette H., Peoria, Ill.

Seconded.

CARRIE: Agreed.

The ayes have it!

• Jim Hendry: Sign a player to a deal for fewer than three years that doesn’t include a full no-trade clause. Add 11 more second basement to the roster. See what the Giants want for DeRosa.
• Marlon Byrd: Make everyone forget about the bad Milton Bradley contract. And the Kosuke Fukudome contract. And the Alfonso Soriano contract. And the Juan Pierre trade. And the Jacque Jones contract. And the Jeromy Burnitz contract. And Felix Pie. And Matt Murton. And Corey Patterson. Don’t let the horribly racist fans in the bleachers get under my skin.
• Carlos Silva: Rise to the top of the B127. Pitch well enough to be the fifth starting in the super-competitive Cub rotation. I feel like if I can anchor the back end of that staff, we have a legitimate shot of winning the Pacific Coast League under Ryne Sandberg.
• Lou Piniella: Continue being perfect.
• Rudy Jaramillo: Lead the fleet to Earth. Confront Saul Tigh about his drinking problem and him being a Cylon.
• David Patton: Somehow, stay on an MLB roster for a second full year. Invent SPF 8,000.
• Jeff Baker: Lose some of this excess chin weight.
• Ron Santo: Stay healthy throughout the- Oh, GEEZ! I spilled my coffee all over my lap! WHY DO THINGS LIKE THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!?
• Pat Hughes: Find a new job.
• Koyie Hill: Don’t cut off anything that might need to be stitched back on.
• Aramis Ramirez: Make it through an entire cockfight without giggling.
• Angel Guzman: Distance myself from this nightmare.
• Ryan Theriot: Move to second base, and finally experience the joy of throwing to first without crow-hopping.
• Derrek Lee: Save one of my monster seasons for a year when we actually make the playoffs.
• Geovany Soto: Be aware that all of us are these insignificant little specks on a pebble that is just flying through the galaxy faster than anything you can think of. It’s so awesome that we stay stuck to the ground, and we don’t just go flying off into space.
  /looks around
  //grabs onto floor
• Starlin Castro: Explain to Phil Rogers that I don’t have an “inside line” to Cuban cigars, and that it makes me uncomfortable when he shouts “La Revolucion!” at me.
• Milton Bradley: Finish the t-shirt quilt I’ve been working on. Write more letters to grandma. Get a puppy. Take time to stop and smell the roses. Ask out the cute girl who lives on my block. Make everyone in Chicago kiss my dick tip.
• Larry Rothschild: Inexplicably survive yet another coaching change.
• Jim Essian: Take over for Lou. First order of business? Fire Rothschild.
• John Grabow: Try not to be Will Ohman.
• Carlos Marmol: Look into this “strike zone” that everyone is always talking about.
• Carlos Zambrano: Win the 16″ slow-pitch men’s league in Forest Park.
• Chad Fox: Have a career-ending injury. For serious, this time.
• Kosuke Fukudome: With the bat make the time of the beautiful being far, happier pleasure. Many times send to the sphere of the traveling flight which is splendid in the seat and zooms. (Ed: Not racist. Blame Babelfish.)
• Alfonso Soriano: Stop being dependent on the hop as a timing mechanism, but continue using it anyhow just to spite the meatheads who say it affects my defense.
• Ryan Dempster: Start preparing today for April Fools’ Day, so I don’t have to do something last-minute again, like call Lilly’s wife and tell her he’s been arrested for murder. In hindsight, I wonder why she didn’t completely freak out.
• Ted Lilly: Go on a hunting trip with Dempster.

Are there any pointless moves I missed?

Not yet, but a lot of shit either has to change in short order or stay exactly the same if they want to stay in the race.

1a. Neal Cotts

I don’t care how it gets done. I don’t care who replaces him. I don’t care if the Cubs decide to go with an all-right-handed bullpen. I don’t care if God himself declares Neal Cotts “The Chosen One” and tells Jim Hendry that He guarantees the Cubs will win the World Series if they keep Neal Cotts on the roster. If that happened, I can assure you that either: (1) some guy is trying to get into Hendry’s pants by dressing up like God, or (2) God is full of shit. No team will ever win the World Series with Neal Cotts on their roster. Don’t even bring up the canceled 2005 playoffs to me, asshead.

Cotts is more worthless than Ron Santo’s play-by-play. He’s more worthless than tickets to the Bulls-Magic series. He’s more worthless than all of Chad Fox’s arm surgeries. Cotts’ WHIP is 2.550 this year. Do you realize what that means? If Cotts pitches a full inning, you’re almost guaranteed to either see a bases-loaded situation, or see some runs score.

GO AWAY, NEAL COTTS.

1b. David Patton

AND TAKE DAVID PATTON WITH YOU!

The Cub bullpen is WAY too thin to be trying to hide a guy like David Patton at the end of it. The longer Jim Hendry pretends this guy is Major League-ready, the worse it hurts the team.

2. Geovany Soto

Where in the hell is Geovany Soto? The reigning NL Rookie of the Year looks absolutely mystified at the plate this year, and he’s “turned it around” in May to the tune of a .258/.343/.290 line. Yay?

The Cubs have managed to gut their way to a 17-14 record (only one win off their 2008 pace, by the way) with Koyie Hill being a legitimately better option at the plate than Soto is. Take that fact as either very encouraging or extremely discouraging. Since you’re Cubs fans, I suspect I know what you’ll do with it.

Now that Ramirez is out, it would be an awfully convenient time for Soto to start hitting.

3. Albert Pujols

I would bet my sparkling reputation that Albert Pujols eats horse steroids soaked in fetal blood as his morning breakfast. If that guy dressed as God trying to bone Hendry is out there, please let this mutant get caught and suspended. I don’t think the Cardinals are this good, anyhow, but losing Pujols would finish that team.

4. Kosuke Fukudome

If there has been a pleasant surprise so far this season, it is Alfonso Soriano Kosuke Fukudome. Fukudome went absolutely apeshit in April, with a .338/.461/.592 line to go along with 4 home runs, 15 RBIs, 16 walks, and only 15 strikeouts. Then, he was horrible to start off May, and we re-boxed all those “Fukudome is my Homie” t-shirts we’d dusted off.

But, in case you haven’t noticed, he’s bounced back. In the last week, he’s gone .353/.476/.529. I’d still prefer he hit second if/when Aramis comes back, but for now, he’s the best option Lou Piniella has for the three spot in the lineup. I doubt he continues hitting at this pace, but I think he’ll have a much better 2009 than his 2008. And if you’re not at all convinced that Fukudome can vastly improve from his rookie year to his sophomore year, take a look at Hideki Matsui’s numbers.

5. Derrek Lee

Derrek Lee was the anti-Fukudome, as he struggled through an ice-cold April before starting to heat up in May (.294/.400/.706). He absolutely has to start hitting, especially if Lou is going to continue to hit him near the top of the lineup. I’m not quite ready to say something as silly as “Hoffpauir should be starting.” Not QUITE ready. If Lee even comes close to his .281/.365/.495 career averages with around 25 homers and 85 RBIs, I’ll be dancing in the streets. If he doesn’t start driving the ball soon, I think Lou seriously needs to consider getting Hoffpauir more starts against righties. It’s stupid to advocate a straight platoon right now, but Lee is mashing lefties in a small number of at-bats against them, and Hoffpauir is crushing righties.

I’m not saying. I’m just saying.

FUN FACT: Did you realize that Hoffpauir’s first name is actually James?

6. Milton Bradley

Hey, guess what? Milton Bradley is starting to hit. In the last seven games, he’s put up a .286/.348/.476 line and collected 4 of his 6 RBIs on the year. More of that, please, Milt. I love Milton, and I think he’s going to be terrific as a Cub. Maybe on this homestand, the “what-have-you-done-for-me-lately” Cubs fans will actually look at his numbers and answer, “Oh. Been pretty good, I see.”

Can Soto + Lee + Milton coming out of their month-long funks balance out the loss of Aramis? It would certainly go a long way to help.

7. Angel Guzman

DON’T. GET. HURT. In case you haven’t noticed, Angel Guzman has been the best pitcher in the Cub bullpen. Yes, I’m including Carlos Marmol. Guzman’s WHIP is a minuscule .981, and he’s striking out three guys for every one he walks. Because of that, Lou is going to start using him more and more. And because of THAT, you all need to pray for Guzman’s fragile arm.

8. Ryan Dempster

Hey, shithead? You got your big contract at the cost of Kerry Wood. Start pitching like you deserve it. Right now, the two best pitchers in the Cubs’ starting rotation are Ted Lilly and Sean Marshall. I love Lilly and Marshall as much as the next guy, but they cannot be the best starters on a playoff-caliber team.

The same goes for you, Rich Harden. I don’t pay you to give up runs. In fact, I don’t pay you at all.

9. Farney

Farney’s not particularly good at anything but playing a lute in the woods to ensure that the harvest is bountiful. And he’s always after me Lucky Charms. But he can’t be worse than Mike Fontenot at third base defensively, and at least he (hopefully) keeps Aaron Miles the hell out of the lineup. I’m sure Farney will piss off impatient Cubs fans with his performance at the plate, but I’m sure he’ll cement his status in Cub lore the first time he launches himself ten rows into the stands to miss a foul ball. One way or another, Cubs fans want blood.

10. Kevin Gregg

Kevin Gregg is a mouthbreathing Mongoloid, but even he is starting to show signs of not being as terrible as we think. After putting up a 5.59 ERA and 1.966 WHIP through April, he has a 1.59 ERA and 1.059 ERA in the early part of May. He’s also double his strikeouts to walks ratio from 1.50 to 3.00.

And I couldn’t believe this when I saw it, but Gregg only had ONE goddamn save in all of April. He has 5 in 5 chances (6 outings) in May. The 6th would have been a save if Chad Fox had been allowed to face one more batter and allow one more run before Gregg came in to bail him out. The Cubs are 6-0 in May when Gregg has made an appearance.

11. Aaron Miles

Useless. Totally useless. It is a damn shame that BOBBY SCALES has only played three minor league games at shortstop in his career. As far as I can tell, Aaron Miles’ “ability” to play short is the only thing keeping him on the roster. If I had my druthers, I’d seriously cut Miles and sign Mark Grudzielanek right now. I’m not even joking. Mark has to be in better “baseball shape” than Aaron, unless “like a pear” is how you want your baseball shaped.

If you want an actual shortstop instead of Grudzielanek, what about Andres Blanco? He’s an average if unspectacular .299/.340/.423 in Iowa right now, but he’d look like Babe Fucking Ruth next to Miles. He can also cover shortstop, second, and third. Also, this team has not made the playoffs under Lou Piniella WITHOUT a player named Blanco on the roster. Think about it.

12. The DOOMsayers

It was a shitty weekend. I’m not disputing that. Even if the Cubs had swept the Brewers, losing Aramis on Friday night would have ruined my whole weekend. But the Cubs DID just manage a winning road series (3-2). They’re a game over .500 on the road, and two games over at Wrigley Field. They’re still only 2.5 games out of first. They’re 7-3 in May after a 10-11 April. I wouldn’t quite write this team off yet.

It’s going to be tough to keep winning without Aramis, but this team has not played it’s best baseball yet. Now might be a good time to do so.

I noticed that Ryan Dempster is eligible to become a free agent this offseason. Are the Cubs going to re-sign him? Who else is eligible for free agency?
– Steve K., Wheaton, Ill.

I would love to see the article that Steve K. consulted before firing out that beauty.

CARRIE: General manager Jim Hendry has made it no secret that Dempster is a favorite, that he’s exactly the type of player the Cubs need, both in the rotation and in the clubhouse.

Yep. The Cubs absolutely love those collecting those guys who are awesome during the regular season and then turn to Jell-O during the playoffs.

CARRIE: However, Dempster will be tempted by offers from other teams in need of pitching. Hendry first has to get an idea from Cubs chairman Crane Kenney on the budget available, then he’ll meet with the staff Oct. 19 in Arizona to go over their wish list and establish a game plan.

TRANSLATION: Get used to disappointment.

CARRIE: Besides Dempster, other free agents include Kerry Wood, Jim Edmonds, Chad Fox, Bob Howry, Jon Lieber and Daryle Ward. Wood also has a good relationship with Hendry, has spent his entire career with the Cubs and made it through his first season as closer without a problem, except for a blister. That’s a lot easier to deal with than the shoulder injuries that have plagued Wood in his career. Players can file for free agency after the World Series ends.

That’s good. They won’t be distracted by contract issues when they’re making their historic World Series run.

What is the significance of the camouflage wristband worn by Reed Johnson? Is it in support of our troops or another organization?
– Marla D., Champaign, Ill.

“Another organization”? Is Marla suggesting that Reed Johnson is a terrorist?

CARRIE: He wears it in support of a friend who served in Iraq in the Army. His friend is home now, but Johnson still wears the wristband.

When are Dusty Baker’s friends going to get home?

Rich Harden’s ERA is slightly above 2.00, but he is not mentioned in the top five for ERA in the league, even though his is lower than everyone’s on the list. How come?
– Fulton G., Elmwood Park, Ill.

Probably for the same reason that my 0.00 MLB ERA last season is never mentioned in the top five in the league.

CARRIE: Harden did finish with an impressive 10-2 record and 2.07 ERA for the 2008 season, but that’s combined from his days with the Athletics and with the Cubs. You’re looking at the league leaders, and he did not have enough innings with Chicago to qualify for the National League honors. A pitcher must have a minimum of one inning pitched per team game to qualify. Harden finished with 77 innings in 13 starts with the A’s and 71 innings in 12 starts with the Cubs. The Mets’ Johan Santana compiled a 2.53 ERA in 234 1/2 innings to claim the NL ERA honors, and Dempster finished fourth with a 2.96 ERA in 206 2/3 innings.

First, I would love to know how Johan Santana managed to pitch 234 and a HALF innings. Second, Johan just barely edged out CC Sabathia’s 230 innings pitched for the Brewers.

Also, CC Sabathia is fat.

Ryan Theriot had 178 hits on the season. What’s the team record for most hits by a shortstop in a single season?
– Paul T., Hobart, Ind.

Is this the third time a Son of Jim Essian sneaked one past the goalie? I guess there’s only one appropriate response: Shut up, Paul. You’re a douche.

CARRIE: Cubs shortstop Woody English totaled 214 hits in 1930 and is the team’s single-season leader.

I really don’t think that answered Paul’s question at all. He didn’t ask which Cubs shortstop holds the record for most hits in a single season. He asked about any shortstop.

Since Carrie has failed to achieve, even in the modest task that was her charge, I have no choice but to tell these bums that they should do whatever is necessary to get their answer from you, Ed Hartig. And with Baseball-Reference as my witness, I tell you this: Any further question that Carrie fails to answer, shall be visited tenfold upon YOUR head, Hartig.

I noticed that the Cubs had six players with 20 or more home runs this year. How common/rare is that feat for the Cubs?
– Dave J., Rochelle, Ill.

And for that Back-to-Back Stats question, Dave J. of Rochelle, Illinois wins $1,000.

CARRIE: Actually, there were five: Alfonso Soriano (29), Aramis Ramirez (27), Geovany Soto (23), Mark DeRosa (21) and Derrek Lee (20). Edmonds hit 20 for the season, but one of those was with the San Diego Padres. The Cubs have had at least five players with 20 homers three times. The other two were in 2004 (Ramirez, Lee, Moises Alou, Sammy Sosa and Corey Patterson) and 1958 (Ernie Banks, Walt Moryn, Lee Walls, Bobby Thomson and Dale Long). The 2008 season was only the second time in franchise history in which the Cubs had five players with 20 or more homers and four with 80 or more RBIs.

The big difference between the 2004 team and the 2008 team is that I didn’t actively hate the 2008 team with all of my black heart. Look at the list of hooligans, cads, and ne’er-do-wells on the 2004 team:

Michael Barrett
Todd Walker
Ramon Martinez
Moises Alou
Corey Patterson
Sammy Sosa
Jose Macias
Paul Bako
Alex Gonzalez
Tom Goodwin
Neifi Perez
Rey Ordonez
Jason Dubois
Ben Grieve
Damian Jackson
David Kelton
Calvin Murray
Mike Difelice
Matt Clement
Mark Prior
LaTroy Hawkins
Kyle Farnsworth
Kent Mercker
Mike Remlinger
Francis Beltran
Jon Leicester
Todd Wellemeyer
Jimmy Anderson
Andy Pratt

Jesus Christ. I think if they’d have made the postseason, I would have rooted against them.

I was wondering if Micah Hoffpauir can play any position other than first base. I see a potential star in him. Plus, he’s a lefty, which is exactly what the Cubs need in the lineup.
– Bayas M., Chicago

Well, since he played twice as many games (12) at the corner outfield positions than he did at first base, I’m thinking Bayas doesn’t follow the Cubs very closely. Fortunately for Bayas, Oneri Fleita has opened the door for oddly-named, incompetent scouts the world over.

CARRIE: Hoffpauir can play the corner outfield spots, but one of the reasons he was left off the playoff roster was because the Cubs knew Felix Pie was better defensively and also could pinch run. Hoffpauir won’t win any Gold Gloves in the outfield. And yes, the team does need another left-handed bat.

Unfortunately for Felix, there has to be someone on base before you’re allowed to insert a pinch runner.

How will the Cubs handle tickets that were purchased for postseason games that weren’t played? I haven’t been able to find any information.
– John D., Naperville, Ill.

ALL YOUR MONEY ARE BELONG TO THE CUBS.

Actually, this is a good question (NAPERTHRILL!). I’m still waiting for either (1) my credit card to be credited for about $100, or (2) Game Five of the NLDS.

CARRIE: For fans who purchased tickets online directly through Tickets.com or Cubs.com for the Division Series Home Game 3, or any League Championship Series games to be played at Wrigley Field, you will receive an automatic credit to the original credit cards used for purchasing the tickets. These credits are expected to appear on your credit card statement no later than Friday, Oct. 17. Go to the Tickets section of Cubs.com and click Postseason Tickets for more information.

For information, OR to purchase postseason tickets! Ha ha ha ha ha!

I’m still not over it. You assholes.

Do you know how I can get tickets for the World Baseball Classic in March that will be played in Mexico?
– Ernesto U., Naucalpan, Mexico

Seriously? Seriously?

Considering she took this question, I’m sure Carrie will at least have an answer for the one person in Mexico searching on Cubs.com for answers to their World Baseball Classic questions five months in advance.

CARRIE: I don’t have any details and would expect information on MLB.com when tickets are available. You also could check with the stadium that will host the event. They may be able to help.

I was wondering if any rookie catchers besides Geovany Soto have caught a no-hitter?
– Chris H., Chicago

I don’t care about this question, but I wanted to take the opportunity to remind everyone that Kent Mercker has been a part of TWO no-hitters in his career.

Kent Mercker!

CARRIE: Baseball researcher Ed Hartig says at minimum, Danny Breeden caught Ken Holtzman’s no-hitter on June 3, 1971. Soto was behind the plate for Carlos Zambrano’s no-no Sept. 14.

Here’s another interesting bit of trivia. Did you know that Danny Breeden was actually the BETTER Breeden in baseball…in 1971…on the Cubs. That’s right. They had both Breedens, Danny and Hal. They COMBINED for an .866 OPS for the Cubs that year. You might say that their home was a Breeden ground for bad baseball players.

But don’t feel obligated to say that.

Why does Lou Piniella keep using Bob Howry in close situations? Howry has been bad all year. He currently has a 5.54 ERA and a 1.42 WHIP, and he’s already given up more home runs than in any other season.
– Red W., New York, N.Y.

And now he knows your name and where you live. Sleep with one eye open, Red W. And my God protect you in your journey.

CARRIE: The problem may be that all the innings and appearances have caught up with the 35-year-old right-hander. He did not give up a run in five innings over four games against Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, and then he had the game against Houston on Sept. 2 in which he was unable to record an out. That marked the first time Howry did that since May 25, 2007. He rebounded on Friday against Cincinnati and threw a perfect inning. I know he’s frustrated by how this season has gone personally, and the Cubs will have to be careful when they use him.

Yeah, they should be careful to only use him before and after actual regulation baseball has taken place.

I was wondering about playoff tickets. Do you know when tickets will go on sale? Also, what are the ways to get them? I live in Kentucky. Will I be able to call and get them or are they going to do a lottery-type thing?
– Brad M., Elizabethtown, Ky.

Generally, in America, we exchange money for goods and services. Sometimes, people use things called credit cards to purchase items on credit and then repay the credit card companies at a later time. There are also things called checks, which is basically the equivalent of giving someone a permission slip to get some of your money out of a bank. If you’re feeling particularly ambitious and you read BCB, you can also purchase a money order, which is sort of like buying a certain denomination of cash that only a certain other person can use.

CARRIE: Cubs fans who want the opportunity to purchase tickets for the National League Division Series or National League Championship Series must register on cubs.com. The deadline for NLDS tickets for games at Wrigley Field is 12 p.m. CT on Sept. 19. Fans selected will be notified via e-mail on Monday, Sept. 22. The e-mail will provide winners with instructions on how to purchase tickets online between 12 p.m. and 6 p.m. CT on Tuesday, Sept. 23. Complete rules and details, including pricing, are available at cubs.com.

That’s cubs.com. Also known as the website to which you must navigate in order to submit questions. I know it’s a lot to ask of someone to poke around on a website for more than thirty seconds, but in in the long run, it seems like it would save a good deal of time.

What’s wrong with Derrek Lee? He’s not hitting the ball with authority, and his power has dropped off tremendously. It seems like he’s not the same hitter he used to be. Is the hand injury affecting his power and strength?
– John P., Austin, Texas

The hand injury from April of 2006, nearly two and a half years ago? Are you being serious right now? Because I broke my collarbone when I was a year old, and I really think it’s the reason I’m not in the Majors right now. It really sapped most of my strength.

CARRIE: There’s nothing physically wrong. Lee did miss a start because of spasms in his neck, and he has hit only three home runs since the All-Star break. It’s a reverse of last year, when he hit six home runs in the first half and 16 in the second. He’s just hitting the ball right at people, which, unfortunately, is why he’s among the NL leaders in grounding into double plays.

Maybe Lee should request the other team stand in the bleachers, so when he hits the balls right at them, they’re home runs.

CARRIE: Asked about it this weekend, Lee said: “It just hasn’t happened so far. I haven’t gotten hot all season. It’s just one of those years.”

What’s helped offset Lee’s funk — if you can call hitting .296 with 18 homers and 80 RBIs a “funk” — is having players like Mark DeRosa (20 homers, 83 RBIs, .324 with runners in scoring position) and Geovany Soto (21 homers, 80 RBIs) contributing as much as they are. Last year, Lee batted .317 with 22 homers and 82 RBIs.

Which makes this another opportune time to point out that if Geovany Soto doesn’t win the NL MVP, well, good sir, the NL MVP voting is a joke.

I’m going to attend my first Cubs game in more than 20 years vs. the Mets on Sept. 23. If I can talk my wife into it, I’d like to get there in time for batting practice. How long before the game is batting practice typically for a road game, and are the gates open by that time?
– Thom I., Aberdeen, Scotland

They sure spell stuff crazy in Scotland (and in Cincinnati)! Anyhow, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to ask this question on the Mets’ site? Or do they not field silly questions over there?

CARRIE: The gates open two hours before first pitch. The home team does hit first, but since you’re coming from overseas and want to make the most of the trip, I’d get there as early as you can and offer your wife a nice dinner in Manhattan in exchange for watching BP.

Get her a nice bottle of wine, too, and then after the game give her the Jolly Rogering of her life. Wait, I’m sorry. Is this a dating column or a baseball question-and-answer session?

What happened to Sam Fuld? Before the season started, he was a candidate to start in center, but I haven’t heard about him all season.
– Gianni Z., Elba, N.Y.

Sam Fuld? Never heard of him. SAM FULD, on the other hand, is busy impregnating women, spreading world peace, and beating The Most Interesting Man in the World at poker.

CARRIE: Fuld began the season at Triple-A Iowa, but hit .222 in 20 games and was sent to Double-A Tennessee in mid-May. From May 16 to the end of the season, he hit .271 in 85 games with five homers, 16 doubles, three triples and 48 RBIs. He was called back to the Triple-A team for the Pacific Coast League playoffs, which ended Sunday with Oklahoma beating the Iowa Cubs, 16-5. You can check out Minor League stats at MiLB.com.

But why bother navigating to a different site and getting an instant answer when one can write an e-mail to Carrie, wait a couple weeks, and have her answer the question before God, country, and the entire world!

Let Piniella know if he needs a driver, I’m available for the remainder of the Cubs season.
– Jack L., Crown Point, Ind.

I’ll let him know. Hey, Lou? Some jobless loser wants to drive you around for the rest of the season. Probably in his Malibu.

CARRIE: You must be referring to Piniella’s messed up trip from Chicago to Cincinnati on Friday. The problem was the directions they got off the Internet, not Matt Sinatro’s skills as a navigator. However, I do think Sinatro’s days as a chauffeur are over.

Yeah. Blame the Internet. I’m sure the Internet was off by a hundred miles, landing them in Columbus instead of Cincinnati. Incidentally, can you imagine Sinatro and Lou on a road trip? I like to picture them in a convertible wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts, laughing, singing Neil Diamond, and eating licorice whips. “Do you want to pull over for Slurpees?” Sinatro would ask. “Do I!” Lou would respond. Those were the best days of their lives. Back in the summer, the summer of ’69!

CARRIE: Before anyone asks, the Cubs are 76-5 when leading entering the ninth inning.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Carrie is now doing peremptory strikes on stupid questions? This is an entirely new precedent she’s setting. We’re witnessing history.

CARRIE: They have five walk-off wins, but have lost seven times on a walk-off by the opposition. Here’s a list of losses, including Sunday’s loss to Cincinnati:

April 25 at Washington: Wil Nieves hits a two-run homer in the ninth off Howry to give Nationals a 5-3 win.

May 2 at St. Louis: Skip Schumacher hits a two-run homer in the 11th off Chad Fox for the Cardinals’ 5-3 win.

May 24 at Pittsburgh: Jason Bay hits an RBI single in the 14th off Michael Wuertz as the Pirates win, 5-4.

May 25 at Pittsburgh: Bay hits a two-out RBI single in the 11th off Jon Lieber in a 6-5 Pirates win.

July 5 at St. Louis: Rick Ankiel hits a two-run single in the ninth off Kerry Wood for a 5-4 Cardinals win.

July 18 at Houston: Hunter Pence hits an RBI double in the ninth off Howry for a 2-1 Astros win.

Sept. 7 at Cincinnati: Jolbert Cabrera hits an RBI single in the ninth off Wood in the Reds’ 4-3 win.

Thanks. That wasn’t depressing in the least.

CARRIE: Here are the Cubs’ five walk-off wins in 2008:

May 28 vs. Los Angeles: Alfonso Soriano hits a one-out RBI double in the 10th for a 2-1 win.

June 12 vs. Atlanta: Reed Johnson is hit by a pitch with the bases loaded to force in a run in the 11th inning for a 3-2 win.

June 20 vs. White Sox: Aramis Ramirez hits a walk-off homer in ninth for a 4-3 Interleague win.

July 12 vs. San Francisco: Johnson hits an RBI single with one out in the 11th for an 8-7 win.

Aug. 8 vs. St. Louis: Henry Blanco hits an RBI single in the 11th for a 3-2 win.

Ooo! I love lists. Here are five reasons you should floss regularly:

1. To prevent gingivitis.
2. To prevent tartar buildup, which is a cause of cavities and bad breath.
3. To eliminate plaque.
4. To clean those out-of reach areas like your back teeth and below your gum line.
5. Regular flossing might prevent heart disease.

Could you please enlighten me as to what a suspended game is? I thought the Cubs game on Aug. 4 would qualify since the Cubs were batting in the eighth and a full inning had not been completed. Last year or the year before, the Cubs had a lead in a game and it was suspended. The Cubs eventually won, but what exactly is a suspended game?
– Michael D., Traer, Iowa

How do you keep an idiot in suspense about a suspended game? Click here to find out.

CARRIE: First of all, Monday’s game was considered an official game because the Astros and Cubs had completed five innings. The game could’ve been ruled a suspended game if there was no score. I’ve included the rules from the official Major League Baseball rule book. To simplify, the rule of thumb is go back to the last completed inning, and if the outcome is no different than in the inning when they actually stop the game, then the game is not suspended.

Rule 4.12 SUSPENDED GAMES:

(a) A league shall adopt the following rules providing for completion at a future date of games terminated for any of the following reasons:

(1) A curfew imposed by law;

(2) A time limit permissible under league rules;

(3) Light failure or malfunction of a mechanical field device under control of the home club. (Mechanical field device shall include automatic tarpaulin or water removal equipment).

(4) Darkness, when a law prevents the lights from being turned on.

(5) Weather, if the game is called while an inning is in progress and before it is completed, and one of the following situations prevails:

(i) The visiting team has scored one or more runs to tie the score, and the home team has not scored.

(ii) The visiting team has scored one or more runs to take the lead, and the home team has not tied the score or retaken the lead.

(b) Such games shall be known as suspended games. No game called because of a curfew, weather, or a time limit shall be a suspended game unless it has progressed far enough to have been a regulation game.

And if that doesn’t answer your question, please see Rule 10.17(c). Chuck is wrong.

I bet a friend a rib dinner that no pitcher has led the Cubs in wins and saves in different years and yet there are two — Kerry Wood and Ryan Dempster — who have a chance of doing so this year. Has this been done before? I want my ribs.
– Frank N., Evanston, Ill.

What’s up, Fork?

CARRIE: Lee Smith actually led the Cubs in wins and saves in the same year. In 1986, Smith and Scott Sanderson shared the team lead with nine wins each. Smith also was the Cubs’ saves leader that season with 31. The ’86 Cubs finished 70-90 and in fifth place.

The team lead was NINE wins that year? Good God, that team sucked. I guess that’s what happens when Ron Cey and Brian Dayett have the top two slugging percentages on your team.

It looks like Zambrano could be vying not only for the Silver Slugger Award but also for the National League Cy Young Award. Has any pitcher won both in the same season?
– Christian P., Janesville, Wis.

If Jason Marquis hasn’t done it, no one has done it.

Tom Glavine won both awards in the same season twice — in 1991 and ’98 — and Fernando Valenzuela did so in 1981.

Good thing I got the Fernandomania vaccine before I read this week’s Muskbag.

Why is Hoffpauir still in the Minors? He’s hitting everything down there, and when he was in the Majors, he was batting .380. Also, Daryle Ward is hitting .220 but Lou Piniella uses him in crucial spots. Shouldn’t Hoffpauir be that guy?
– Colton O., Mount Carroll, Ill.

No. Rot in hell.

CARRIE: Ward has one thing that Hoffpauir doesn’t have…

A great big bushy beard?

CARRIE: …and that’s experience.

Damnit.

CARRIE: And that counts a lot when a team is contending for a postseason berth. Congrats to Hoffpauir for his recent four-homer game. You will see him in September.

Daryle also has the heart of a champion, the smile of an angel, and the stomach of a water buffalo.

What is the prognosis on Jon Lieber and Chad Fox? Will either be able to help in the stretch run?
– Paul B., Indianapolis

Getting Jon Lieber and Chad Fox back is just like making a trade for two old, crappy pitchers. Or for one Steve Trachsel.

CARRIE: Lieber is close, and will make another Minor League rehab start soon, while Fox will begin throwing in Mesa, Ariz., this week. They could help in September. Right now, the bullpen appears to be in good shape with the addition of rookie Jeff Samardzija. The Cubs are also keeping an eye on Kevin Hart and Michael Wuertz, both at Triple-A Iowa.

Good- No, GREAT to know that the Cubs are making sure to watch their players play baseball.

CARRIE: And to those of you asking about Angel Guzman, who had Tommy John elbow ligament replacement surgery about a year ago, he was expected to make two starts for Double-A Tennessee, beginning Tuesday, and if all goes well, he’ll move up to Triple-A Iowa, and should join the Cubs for the final month.

“[Guzman's] on a mission to be here [in the big leagues] in September,” Cubs player development director Oneri Fleita said.

And to those of you who asked about Angel Guzman, I say, “Why?”

Even though the non-waiver Trade Deadline has passed, can the Cubs still make a trade for a player to help out the bullpen? Maybe they can make a run at the Rockies’ Brian Fuentes?
– Sam M., Deerfield, Ill.

I’d rather they just try to get Phil Nevin again.

CARRIE: Teams can still trade for players after the July 31 Deadline, but the player has to clear waivers. A player is placed on the waiver wire, and all the other Major League clubs have the opportunity to claim him. If more than one team claims him, the team with the worst record gets first dibs. For example, if the Washington Nationals and Milwaukee Brewers both claimed a player, the Nationals would get him. And, I don’t think Fuentes is on their radar.

What if the Cubs, Cardinals, and Brewers all claim the same guy? What would happen in that instance? Just curious. I was just wondering which of those three teams would have the least priority, since it has the best record. Is it the Cubs?

Hello from Armenia. I heard that the Cubs’ No. 1 Draft pick in 2000, Luis Montanez, got called up by the Orioles. I was thinking, whatever happened to another Cubs No. 1 pick, Ben Christensen?
– Jim E., Yerevan, Armenia

I hope you bought yourself an ice cream sundae after getting this question answered. This is an A+, gold-star, best in show, cherry-on-top question dipped in chocolate. Fantastic. Who is claiming this one?

CARRIE: Christensen, the No. 1 pick in 1999, is no longer in baseball. He was released by the Cubs in May 2004.

Everyone can go home now. The internet is over.

If a guy wanted to have a fence covered with the same type of vine at Wrigley, what type of ivy is it?
– Josh W., Bremen, Ind.

Two weeks in a row with ivy-related questions? Really?

CARRIE: It’s a combination of bittersweet and Boston, or English ivy. Sorry, but the grounds crew won’t release too many details. And I have tried to grow seeds at home and have failed.

Did Carrie just admit she grows her own weed?