Hire Jim Essian

The first Muskbox of the new year picks up right where the last Muskbox of the old year left off. In a world of confusion, unanswered questions, and broken promises. However, to avoid you a horrible heart attack this early into the new year, I must warn you. Hidden deep in the recesses of the Muskbox lies an honest-to-goodness solid question AND answer. 2012 TRULY IS THE END OF DAYS!!!

The offseason is a time of hope, joy, and positive feelings about your team, no matter how bad they were the previous season. This week's Muskbox echoes that sentiment with happy thoughts of Anthony Rizzo, Paul Maholm, and Derrek Lee! Because the Muskbox is where dreams go TO DIE. Sorry it's not dumber, but people want to know what direction the team is headed for 2012. No answers are forthcoming. SPOILERS.

When we last left The Muskbox, she was busy scoffing at the mere SUGGESTION of a Jumbo-Tron and weighing the Cubs' options for manager. A lot has happened since those simple days nearly a month ago. The Cubs hired Dale Sveum, Greg Maddux took his talents south, and you ate a bunch of turkey, drank some cognac, and punched your uncle. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN THANKSGIVING EVERY YEAR? Perhaps Greg's departure to Texas caused something in Carrie to snap, because in this week's Muskbox, she gets weirdly southern. READ ON, Y'ALL!

One of my favorite parts of the Muskbox is the teaser question that introduces the article. They are rarely actual sentences, and they can almost always be answered with one word. That word is usually “nope.” This week’s teaser is no exception. “Loyalty a factor in manager search?” “Nope.” To elaborate on that, the Cubs no longer have an idiot running the baseball operations. This week’s Muskbox tackles that controversial question and more! Let the dumbening begin!

It looks like Al Yellon isn't the only one baffled by everything that has to do with the corporate world. "THESE CUBICLES ARE MAZES OF MYSTERY AND INTRIGUE!!!" Some other dope in this week's Muskbox can't fathom how there can be a president AND a general manager. IT'S AS THOUGH THEY ARE TRYING TO DIVIDE THE LABOR ... Read More

The Muskbox rarely promises things to us commoners. All we're guaranteed is the occasional laugh, the frequent facepalm, and the knowledge of new places across the globe like...Terre Haute? But this week's Muskbox brings the promise of more frequent Muskboxes! It's the gift that keeps on giving, even when you desperately wish it would stop so you ... Read More

I haven't had the opportunity to watch Catching Hell, the horrible documentary on Steve Bartman. I feel obligated to do so, despite the fact that I've seen the infamous play more times than I've seen The Big Lebowski. Which is to say, a lot of times. Bartman has been through a lot, which is why it was ... Read More

There is a very real and sad possibility that last week's Muskbox may be the last one of the season. Meaning they will certainly address those last remaining questions you have about the Cubs. All of the important stuff, like HOW DID THE CUBS FARE WITH RUNNERS IN SCORING POSITION IN 2000??? The Muskbox is nothing if ... Read More

Another week brings the dawn of another Muskbox. All things are relevant to the Muskbox, even those things that go unanswered. Which is most things. But you have to keep TRYING, you know? Most of what I have been reading says the Cubs will not pick up Aramis Ramirez's club option and instead pay him the $2 million ... Read More

Before we dive knuckles-first into this week's Muskbox, it's my duty to point out that tickets to tonight's compelling Cubs-Reds matchup are currently selling for ONE DOLLAR AND FORTY-EIGHT CENTS on StubHub. (HT: Ned Ryerson) If you've been waiting to see Rodrigo Lopez pitch, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE. SIDE NOTE: Anyone need two tickets for tonight's game? Face ... Read More