Reading one of your blog posts about salaries, you said…

I’m going to stop you right there. Your dangling participle suggests that Carrie read one of her own blog posts. As you may or may not be aware, no one, not even Carrie, actually reads the Muskbox.

Carry (Carrie?) on.

…that by trading Lilly, Ryan Theriot, Mike Fontenot and Lee, the team saved about $4.5 million. Doesn’t really seem like giving up that kind of talent to save a small portion of payroll is worth it.
– Nicholas B., Davenport, Iowa

Heh heh. SMALL portion.

CARRIE: The Cubs didn’t just save some money on those deals. Lilly and Lee will be free agents after this season. Let’s say they stayed with the Cubs and then left for another team in free agency in the offseason. The Cubs would then be compensated with a Draft pick next June between the first and second rounds because of the level of free agent those two are. But given the option of selecting a Minor Leaguer or two from another team in a trade situation as opposed to picking who’s available in the Draft, I’d take the trade. You have more control over the young players you’re getting in return, and they’ve had some time in the Minor Leagues, so you have a better feel for their abilities. Plus, why not give veterans like Lilly and Lee a chance at the postseason?

Like, maybe, by pitching Lilly in the 2008 postseason? Nah. That’d be CAH-RAAAAAZY!

If you had to point to one thing that is responsible for the Cubs’ poor season this year, what would it be?
– Jeff C., Columbia, Md.

Just one thing? It would have to be a goat, then, I suppose.

CARRIE: I’d pick the lack of clutch hitting. The Cubs lead the Majors in one-run losses with 30.

We’re number one! We’re number one! We’re number one!

CARRIE: How many of those games might have been turned around with one big hit?

ALL OF THEM. Actually, even if only half of them were turned around with one big hit, the Cubs would be 75-64. And they’d STILL be four games behind the Reds.

CARRIE: The starting pitchers have totaled 77 quality starts, tied for third in the National League. The middle of the order didn’t come through.

But I was just told that giving up Lee wasn’t worth the monetary relief to the club.

CARRIE: Look at the top RBI players in the NL. The Cubs don’t have anyone in the top 25 (the Nationals have two players and the Diamondbacks three, but they don’t have the pitching).

Why the inclusion of the Nationals and Diamondbacks? I’m going to assume an editor cut out a crucial sentence that explained- HA HA HA HA! Oh, I thought I could get through pretending that Carrie has an editor.

Ryne Sandberg as manager and Greg Maddux as pitching coach — if only we could get Harry Caray to rise and sing the seventh-inning stretch, we could have my Cubs back.
– Gene G., Louisville, Ky.

I hope you get drilled by MY bus.

CARRIE: Mark Grace could coach at first base…

Who says “coach AT first base”? Carrie. That’s who.

CARRIE: …and Andre Dawson could be the hitting coach, too. That’s great for autograph seekers, but the Cubs aren’t looking for a sentimental favorite as manager or a poster boy to market the team.

What would ever give Cubs fans the impression that the Cubs are owned by a sentimental buffoon?

CARRIE: They’re looking for the person with the best baseball smarts.

However, Lou Piniella retired.

CARRIE: I’ve also heard from people who think Sandberg has paid his dues because he’s managed four seasons in the Minor Leagues.

“Paid his dues”? All that managing in the minors for four years means is that Sandberg hasn’t had to watch this shitshow since 2006.

CARRIE: Mike Quade has 17 years of experience as a Minor League manager and seven years as a big league coach.

And a body as silky smooth as a dolphin’s.

I was hoping you could tell me why Hayden Simpson was signed so early but has not pitched in any Minor League games.
– Kurt V., Chicago

He was signed three months ago. Take it down a notch.

CARRIE: Simpson, the Cubs’ No. 1 pick in the 2010 First-Year Player Draft, had a bout with mononucleosis and was told to go home and get healthy. (Sorry to repeat, but I’ve received a lot of inquiries about him.)

The kissing disease! I’m going to go ahead and blame this one on Jim Edmonds.

I see the Cubs are trying to move Tyler Colvin to first to try to fill the void left by Lee. Although I agree the spot needs to be filled…

How astute of you. Filling the spot will stop at least a few of those throws from Starlin Castro from sailing into the stands.

…is it possible for them to go out and shop for another first baseman or get someone from within the organization?

Aren’t those- Aren’t those the only two options? Unless they plan on creating a first baseman through the extensive study and application of cybernetics or genetics (in conjunction, of course, with a rapid aging process or some sort of time travel device), I would assume said first baseman already exists.

I think it’s such a waste of Colvin’s strong arm and good range to move him into the infield.
– Michael P., Clarendon Hills, Ill.

But to go MICHAEL’S route would be a waste of both Gregor Mendel’s studies and the time-loop-filled insanity of the Terminator series.

CARRIE: What the Cubs are trying to do is find a way to get Colvin in the lineup. If you look at the contract commitments for 2011, outfielders Alfonso Soriano, Marlon Byrd and Kosuke Fukudome will all be back.

You also won’t sleep well for days.

Lou Piniella said Tyler Colvin would get more playing time but it looks like he’s taking over Kosuke Fukudome’s spot out there. What I think is happening is the Cubs are ready to trade Fukudome along with Derrek Lee, Ted Lilly and maybe some veterans in the bullpen and possibly Xavier Nady. What’s your take on that?
– Josiah K., Clarksville, Ind.

My take is that Jim Hendry would trade his soul for a package of Double Stuff Oreos. NO ONE IS SAFE.

CARRIE: The Cubs feel they are still within striking distance in the very winnable National League Central.

I take it back. Jim Hendry would trade his soul for a bag of magic beans.

CARRIE: The Trade Deadline, as you know, is July 31.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not make any assumptions about what the average Cubs fan does or does not know. Or at least let’s start on a more elementary level:

• You’re standing, as you know, in a puddle of your own urine.
• Red crayons, as you know, do NOT taste like cherries.
• The cow, as you know, goes “MOO!”

CARRIE: The Cubs do want to give Colvin more playing time but one of the reasons Fukudome was sitting this past week was because his Japanese hitting coach was in town.

Not hitting, as you know, is the best way of learning how to hit.

CARRIE: Kyosuke Sasaki, Fukudome’s coach, said his star pupil was having a little trouble with his timing but still believes he can hit .300 this year.

Japan uses the metric system, right?

CARRIE: Sasaki told Fukudome to show the Cubs what he can do, and was encouraged when…

…Kosuke reached over 100 RPMs after a swinging third strike.

CARRIE: …he delivered the game-winning RBI single on June 17 against Oakland in a 3-2 Chicago win.

If only his other 23 RBIs had been so EXCITING!

CARRIE: It will be tricky to move Fukudome because he has a limited no-trade clause; there are 15 teams on his no-trade list.

Fortunately, if there’s one country that knows about trickery, it’s Japan!

CARRIE: He’s also owed slightly less than $8 million for the rest of this season and $13.5 million for 2011, which will limit teams’ interest unless the Cubs are willing to pick up part of his salary. If the Cubs could find a taker, and maybe add to the bullpen, it would ease the logjam of outfielders.

There’s only one way to ease a logjam, and it involves Karl Hungus.

CARRIE: As for Lee and Lilly, Lee has a full no-trade clause.

“As for these two guys, here’s a fact exclusive to only one of them!”

CARRIE: It’s tough to replace a three-time Gold Glove winner. Lilly has a limited no-trade clause, like Fukudome. Again, it depends on how the team does in the next few weeks. Stay tuned.

I will stay as tuned as I have all year.

Randy Wells doesn’t seem to be the only pitcher this year with first-inning problems. How many runs have our pitchers given up in the first inning?

ALL OF THEM.

What is the first-inning ERA? Any explanations for the poor starts?
– Denise Z., Chicago

RICKETTS: Let’s go with…not enough night games. That’ll hold these idiots off for another few decades.

CARRIE: Wells does have the most trouble in the first, giving up 15 runs in his 14 starts for a 10.38 ERA. Carlos Zambrano has served up nine runs over eight innings, and six of those came in Opening Day start against the Braves. That’s a 10.13 ERA. Ryan Dempster has given up nine runs in the first in his 14 starts (5.79 ERA). Lilly has been charged with five in 11 starts (4.09 ERA), and four of those came Saturday against the Angels. Carlos Silva has allowed only two in 13 starts (1.38 ERA). The Cubs have given up 50 runs in the first inning (they’ve served up 56 in the seventh) for a 6.52 ERA. Why? Every situation is different.

That’s pretty vague.

CARRIE: I know that’s vague.

Oh, okay. As long as you know.

CARRIE: Hitters knew they needed to get Greg Maddux early because he gets into a rhythm and could be unhittable.

Allow me to escort you to your seat on this Train of Logic. Greg Maddux was once a Cub starting pitcher. Greg Maddux was generally more hittable in the first inning than in later innings, when he would “settle in.” The Cubs have starting pitchers who are currently Cubs. All Cubs pitchers are Greg Maddux. All Cub pitchers necessarily need time to settle in.

CARRIE: Most pitchers are like that. Wells was better last Thursday against the Athletics. That’s a good start.

Not a good start: Wells last night against the Mariners.

This weekend during the Interleague games, I’m pretty sure I heard music being played prior to an at-bat.

“Then, I realized my wife had just turned on the microwave, causing me to smell sulfur and hear church bells. What was my question again?”

When did this start? When I go to Wrigley, I only want to hear these things: the stretch, an organ and “Go Cubs Go.”

“And Ron Santo losing his shit because someone didn’t swing at a 2-0 fastball. Or the occasional cacophony of a loud, wet fart. Or Ronnie Woo-Woo shouting ‘POP! WOO! CORN! WOO! I! WOO! JUST! WOO! GROPED! WOO! YOUR! WOO! WIFE’S! WOO! TITS! WOO!’ into my ear. Or the occasional racial slur. Or the sounds of drunken vomit softly splashing against the walls of a plastic-lined garbage can. THESE THINGS MATTER TO ME, BECAUSE I’M A CUBS FAN, AND I’M DIFFERENT FROM OTHER TEAMS’ FANS!”

I guess I can be OK with this if the Cubs players want the music but it seems so overdone like other stadiums. It just isn’t Cubs baseball.
– John K., Monmouth, Ill.

Cubs baseball is about three things: losing, drunkenness, and shame.

CARRIE: It started during the Cubs-White Sox Interleague series. The players were asked what intro music they wanted for their at-bats. Somehow, Ryan Theriot and Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” seeems odd, but that was his pick. The players say it gets them pumped up.

Home record since the White Sox series: 4-5. PUMP UP THE JAM!

It seems like every game, Marlon Byrd makes a superb play in center field. Kudos to Marlon and keep it up.

See? Cubs fans aren’t racist! We give “propers” to our “homies” who make “phat” grabs in “centre.”

My question is who was the last Cubs outfielder to win a Gold Glove? I believe it was Andre Dawson in the late 1980s. What are Marlon’s fielding stats for the year compared to the rest of the National League outfielders?
– Richard T., Amherst, N.Y.

Corey Patterson won ten of them, according to NSBB.

CARRIE: Dawson was the last Cubs outfielder to win a Gold Glove, doing so in 1988. He also won in 1987. The only other Cubs outfielder to win one was Bobby Dernier in 1984.

Holy shit. There have been 156 NL Gold Gloves given to outfielders since 1957, the first year of the award. The Cubs have TWO of them, or 1.3% of the awards ever handed out. Willie Mays and Roberto Clemente have won nearly 15% of them just between the two of them.

This franchise sucks.

CARRIE: As for Byrd’s fielding stats, he has made one error in 175 total chances and has two assists for a .994 percentage. Five-time Gold Glove center fielder Shane Victorino has the same fielding percentage (.994) with one error in 167 chances. Wrigley Field is a tight outfield, and you’re not going to see Byrd leaping against the ivy-covered brick to make a catch the way Victorino might in Philadelphia.

THAT’S BECAUSE VICTORINO CARES MORE! THAT’S WHY THE PHILLIES ARE WINNERS AND THE CUBS ARE A BUNCH OF LOSERS!

/meatball fan

CARRIE: That will limit the number of times he’s on ESPN’s Web Gems.

Fortunately, he can still make their rockin’ “Week in Review” montage, their “20 Greatest Catches by a Player Named After an Animal” special, or their, “What the Hell is the World Cup? Things that Aren’t Soccer” three-hour nightly show.

CARRIE: But the Cubs center fielder deserves the kudos — he does cover a lot of ground.

So do weeds.

Recently, Steven Strasburg struck out 32 batters in three consecutive starts for a record starting a career. In 1998, rookie Kerry Wood struck out 33 in two straight starts. That made me wonder, what is the all-time record for most strikeouts in two consecutive starts, and not just for rookies but for all pitchers. I tried to look it up but couldn’t find any more than 33. Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson didn’t do it after their 20-strikeout games. I imagined it would be difficult without a large number like 19 or 20 Ks in at least one of the games.
– Jason P., Lafayette, Ind.

Oh, Jason P., you’re such a stupid assh- Wait, that’s a good question. And you actually tried to research it. Are you sure you wrote to the write e-mail address?

CARRIE: Wood holds the mark. He fanned 20 Astros on May 6, 1998, at Wrigley Field, which tied a Major League record for most K’s in a nine-inning game.

In a nine-inning NO HITTER. Rot in hell, Kevin Orie.

CARRIE: In his next start, May 11 at Arizona, Wood struck out 13 in a 4-2 Cubs win.

And in the start after that, his arm hacked itself off with a dull pocket knife out of self-preservation just like that guy who cut off his own leg because it was pinned under a boulder.

CARRIE: The old mark was 32 shared by four pitchers: Luis Tiant in 1968; Nolan Ryan in 1974; Dwight Gooden in 1984; and Randy Johnson in 1997.

I’d take Wood over any of those guys. USA! USA! USA!

I have to vent some frustration with the decision to call up Castro.

I have to punch you in the back of the skull.

The Cubs are struggling offensively and they justify the callup and Ryan Theriot position switch by citing improved defense when the defense is not the problem. Consistent offense is the problem.

NOT THE PROBLEM: Castro’s offense.

Mike Fontenot is a stud…

Really? REALLY!? RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA?

…and was having a superb season.

Currently .309/.352/.402. If that’s your definition of “superb,” I’d hate to sleep with your definition of “hot.”

What a slap in the face to bench him so the organization can go through growing pains.

I would like to slap you in the face with a bench.

I understand the kid can play, or so everyone keeps telling me…

Or so watching the games would tell you if you weren’t a baseball idiot.

…but now he’s averaged an error a game. Our defense is suffering, too.

But you said OFFENSE was our problem.

If you want a spark, bring someone up to make Aramis Ramirez and Derrek Lee sweat and sit them a couple days a week.

Let me get this straight. You’re bitching about Mike Fontenot getting bumped out of the lineup for STARLIN CASTRO, but you’re advocating calling up Micah Hoffpauir and Chad Tracy to replace Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez?

Your thoughts?
– Adam F., Crown Point, Ind.

There’s too much lead in the water in Crown Point.

CARRIE: You sent this early last week, and I hope by now you’ve had a chance to see Castro play.

Or that you’ve started drinking bottled water.

CARRIE: Because the Cubs have had a tough time scoring runs, they needed to figure out a way to stop their opponent other than putting all the responsibility on the pitchers.

They should use sneakery!

CARRIE: That’s why they needed to improve the defense. If not, any little mistake results in runs — and usually another loss.

Also, malicious booing from the heartless mouths of the Wrigley Field “faithful.”

CARRIE: So, if the Cubs are better defensively with Castro — and he’s made plays at short that Theriot can’t — and they move Theriot to a position where he’s better with the glove, that helps the pitchers, which helps the team.

Kudos, Carrie. This is the best sentence you’ve ever written. I mean, not STRUCTURALLY. It’s sort of a hot mess structurally. But I like the part where you call Theriot a twat.

CARRIE: Plus, Castro has contributed at the plate for someone who’s only been in the big leagues two weeks.

Or two years. Or ten years. The kid has been really, really, really good.

CARRIE: As for Fontenot, he’s in a tough spot.

Is his locker next to Jeff Baker’s explosive anus?

CARRIE: He’s been a good soldier and handled this well.

My apologies to the actual veterans who read this site. Not all of us think you’re dwarves who fear the sun.

CARRIE: Look at the key contribution he made Saturday night with a pinch-hit RBI single against the Rangers. He’ll play, even if it’s not as much as you’d like.

This is as good a place as any to point out that Theriot’s OBP has dropped to .325, and it’s only 5 points behind his slugging percentage. He only has five extra-base hits this season. More than 90% of his hits are singles.

What? That wasn’t a good place to point that out? Oh, well.

With the struggling offense, why doesn’t Lou Piniella make some adjustments to the lineup? Marlon Byrd is hitting .310 while Ramirez is at only .160. Why not drop Ramirez to seventh, move Byrd to cleanup, Castro second, Geovany Soto third and Lee fifth. I mean, we need to do something to spark some offense and get runs.
– Chris W., Arlington Heights, Ill.

I- don’t have a sarcastic response for this. I’d probably shake up the lineup at least for a few games, too, if I were Lou. Aramis is swinging from his ass at everything. Dropping him down in the lineup might take some of the pressure off him. Lou had no problems dropping Soriano, so why not? I also have no problems moving Lee down until the calendar reads “June 1.”

CARRIE: Piniella is considering lots of combinations, and one thing that may stay constant is keeping Castro in the No. 2 spot. That’s where the kid is comfortable, and he’s able to do a lot of things.

Like watch Theriot hit a 12-hopper through the right side of the infield, then get caught stealing.

CARRIE: Plus, the Cubs are 6-0 when Castro bats second.

CLEARLY THAT IS THE REASON FOR THEIR UNBEATABILITYNESS!

CARRIE: Right now, Piniella has two problems.

High cholesterol and inability to control his rage.

CARRIE: One is Ramirez. He will be sitting for a few days to let a sore left thumb heal. When healthy, do you keep playing Ramirez in hopes that he gets out of his funk?

Yes. Unquestionably yes. It’s almost offensive that this question was even asked.

CARRIE: The third baseman says he knows his own swing but hasn’t made adjustments. Read on for Piniella’s other problem.

Why must you torture me?

Piniella promised playing time to Colvin when he made the team, and it seems he’s forgotten about the rookie. The kid seems to have a great bat. Why can’t he get more time?
– Kevin J., Cissna Park, Ill.

Mean old Coach Lou also promised Tyler orange slices after the fifth inning and a double scoop after the game!

CARRIE: Colvin is sitting because the other outfielders are doing well. If Alfonso Soriano and Kosuke Fukudome were struggling the way they did last year, it’d be a no-brainer.

HINT: Fukudome is. After his ridiculous April, he’s hitting .259/.348/.414 in May. Haven’t we seen this movie before? Like, every other year he’s been with the Cubs.

SPOILER: He gets worse in June.

CARRIE: Byrd, Soriano and Fukudome all are batting above .300. Piniella has acknowledged getting Colvin into the mix has been tougher than he thought. The rookie has played well enough to merit more time.

Sometimes when Lou is trying to write “COLVIN” on his lineup card, his hand slips and he writes “日本語.”

I’m an avid follower of the Cubs’ Minor League players.

SIGH.

I’ve noticed Jackson hasn’t been playing for four straight games, and I can’t find out why.

You can’t find out because no one else cares.

Also, when the Cubbies…

DOUBLE SIGH.

…promoted some of their top prospects, Jackson didn’t get the call to Double-A. I’ve been wondering why since he was tearing up Class A Daytona.
– Josh B., Kingsport, Tenn.

You know, “Jackson” is sort of a common name, and there might be multiple players in the Cub- I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. Is it Michael Jackson? Because he’s dead.

CARRIE: Jackson was sidelined with a foot injury but returned to Daytona’s lineup on May 16. You can check the Minor League affiliates page for info on Daytona and other Cubs Minor League teams. I also post a daily update on my blog titled “Minor matters.”

TRIPLE SIGH.

CARRIE: Or, just send me an e-mail.

Especially if you’re down for some public humiliation.

CARRIE: Let’s keep Jackson in Daytona for now. He’s young, surrounded by good teammates, and still learning.

Are you talking to me, now, or Jim Hendry? Because one of us is probably in the middle of a meal, and it’s not me.

Looking at their 2010 performances in Iowa…

GOD DAMMIT.

…two pitchers stuck out as potentially making it to Chicago this year, maybe even before September. Thomas Diamond has a 2.08 ERA in eight starts with a 1.08 WHIP, while Jay Jackson has a 2.23 ERA with a 0.92 WHIP in 10 appearances, including five starts. Diamond, being a first-round pick in 2004, seemingly may have the stuff to be a late-inning option for the Cubs, although he hasn’t pitched in relief. Jackson has pitched only in relief in his last four outings. Could one or both of these be ticketed for Chicago anytime soon?
– Ryan C., St. Charles, Ill.

Nope. NEXT!

CARRIE: This is the first time Diamond has been healthy for an extended stretch. He’ll stay at Iowa as a starter to keep building up arm strength. Jackson, though, could be up sooner. He was switched to relief because of the need on the big league team.

The Sun-Times already has their brilliant headlines ready:
DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH
SHOELESS(?) JAY JACKSON

CARRIE: I’m going to stay out of the predicting business…

“…because I can no longer fit into my gypsy costume.”

CARRIE: …but I’d guess we’ll see both in Chicago this year.

“I’m going to stay out of the predicting business, but here’s my prediction.”

I’m baffled as to why the Cubs don’t have Tracy on the Major League ballclub right now.

And these Pringles in a can? HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET TO THE PRINGLES AT THE BOTTOM? Baffling.

Another lefty bat would be great to counter the righty-heavy lineup. He’s great defensively at first and third and could fill in for struggling Lee and Ramirez in a pinch, not to mention he’s raking down in Iowa. Is there any chance of seeing him back in Chicago soon?
– Henry F., Batavia, Ill.

If I could bottle up a roster full of 25 Chad Tracys, I’d have something special.

CARRIE: Tracy was 1-for-12 off the bench with the Cubs. Sure, he’s doing better at Iowa. That’s because he’s getting regular playing time. But the Cubs wanted him to contribute as a pinch-hitter. Jeff Baker also is a little more versatile than Tracy.

He can summon a ball of fire FROM HIS ASSHOLE. What more do you need?

The Cubs have not been good with runners in scoring position. I was trying to find what the team is batting with RISP. Could you tell me?

/smashes keyboard
//feels pang of regret
///runs to Best Buy to purchase new keyboard

It seems we have the most runners stranded in baseball. I still think Ramirez will turn it around but I’d like to know what he’s batting with RISP.
– Todd L., Baton Rouge, La.

/smashes new keyboard

CARRIE: Through Sunday, the Cubs are batting .263 with runners in scoring position, which is 10th in the National League (Arizona is first at .318). Ramirez is batting .188 with RISP.

And I am 2-2 in smashing keyboards this morning!

Why, after announcing that Sean Marshall will be the setup man, did Piniella put John Grabow in the big eighth inning against the Phillies on Thursday? I’m not one to typically criticize moves Piniella makes, but Grabow has been nothing short of miserable this year. Why make the announcement and then stick by the same lefty who has been pitching poorly?
– Nick I., Evansville, Ind.

Because everyone hates SeanBearPig. Everyone makes me sad.

CARRIE: In that game, Marshall was the designated closer because Carlos Marmol was not available. Marmol had thrown nearly 30 pitches the night before. Piniella often has to adjust his bullpen because of availability, and he gets an update every day on who’s ready and who needs a breather. He just doesn’t reveal who’s on call and who isn’t because that may give the other team an edge.

So he IS trying sneakery! Excellent!

Why don’t the Cubs ever wear throwback or retro jerseys?

Because there really aren’t many differences between their retro jerseys and their current ones?
ALTERNATIVELY
Because no one cares about retro jerseys?

I’m a huge fan of them.

Oh.

I know the Cubs wore them last year against the Braves, but are they going to wear them this year at all? The Cubs have a really cool history of uniforms and I’d love to see the powder blue from 1978, the 1980s uniforms or even the uniforms from the ’40s.
– Bill P., Orland Park, Ill.

All golden ages of Cub baseball.

CARRIE: I’m not a fan of the powder blue — and don’t like the solid blue tops they wear now — but have heard whispers that the Cubs might have a throwback uniform this season. Stay tuned.

No Muskbox would be complete without a fashion question. And no research would ever be done on the Muskbox without a fashion question. And all those whispering voices on the Lost island? They were whispering the answer to this fashion question. STAY TUNED!

Has Aramis Ramirez gone to Rudy Jaramillo for help on his hitting?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: No, not even a little bit.

I know he’s struggled, and my golfing buddies insist some veterans refuse a new hitting coach’s approach. What’s the situation here?
– Don D., Galena, Ill.

The situation is that you seem to think that anyone cares that you have golfing buddies. There’s a possibility that you are Don Draper, so let me follow that up with some probing questions.

1. Do you use pomade?
2. Do you take your hot, subservient wife for granted?
3. Do you have only two emotions: horny and squinty?
4. Are you reflexively storyboarding some ads for HJE?
5. Are you having sex with another man’s wife right now?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you are Don Draper.

CARRIE: Your buddies are partially right.

Be sure to tell them when you guys are playing grabass in the showers after your next 18.

CARRIE: Ramirez has not sought out Jaramillo, and neither has Derrek Lee. Both players feel they know their swings better than anybody else.

I don’t know. I’m getting pretty used to their swinging-and-missing. I see it in my nightmares, at this point.

CARRIE: “I am my own hitting coach,” Ramirez said. “I can listen to Rudy. I know what I have to do to be ready.”

Aramis should fire himself, then, because he’s doing a terrible job. I imagine the firing will look something like every scene from Fight Club.

CARRIE: They will listen, but whether they adopt any of his advice is a matter of trust.

Oh? How so?

CARRIE: Jaramillo is the new guy…

Okay, so not trust.

CARRIE: …has an impeccable track record…

Okay, so trust.

CARRIE: …and some different ideas.

Okay, so not trust? Heckuva journey on that sentence. Heckuva journey.

CARRIE: He’s trying to win them over. Some players are open to suggestions. So far, Jaramillo has helped Ryan Theriot (.329), Marlon Byrd (.341), Geovany Soto (.313) and Alfonso Soriano (.327).

If only they had a reliable first baseman and third baseman!

CARRIE: Jaramillo is constantly working with Kosuke Fukudome (.316) to keep communication going.

So far, he and Fukudome have only been able to communicate through food names and subtly arched eyebrows. But a look can speak volumes.

CARRIE: Mark DeRosa said Jaramillo saved his career (and don’t look at this year’s numbers…

…because it will make it MUCH harder to masturbate to your life-size DeRosa poster later tonight.

CARRIE: …since DeRosa is sidelined with a wrist problem). But if Ramirez and Lee, who are batting .159 and .229, respectively, feel they know their swings best, they won’t make any changes.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein

CARRIE: “I work with Rudy,” Lee said. “I still feel I’m my best hitting coach. I listen to how my body feels and I know what I need to do. Rudy’s there for support. I’ve had this swing for a long time. I know what gets me in trouble. I get in these funks sometimes, and I have to work my way out.”

It’s a good thing the Cubs paid Jaramillo a pantload of money to stand there and clap when Derrek is hitting well.

CARRIE: Right now, Jaramillo is trying to prove to both veterans he knows what he’s doing. Go back and look at those batting averages again. What would you do?

Count my money and laugh, probably.

On May 3, you said in respect to Starlin Castro, “Slow down, Castro is not coming up this week or next.” Castro was called up four days later. Do you have contacts within the organization to talk to or do you make assumptions on your own?
– Thomas M., Peoria, Ill.

BURN!!!

CARRIE: On May 3, I had confirmation from five highly placed Cubs officials who said they were going to wait with Castro.

Those officials?

1. Ronnie Woo-Woo
2. Crane Kenney
3. Ron Santo
4. This dude in the bleachers who seemed legit
5. Ed Hartig’s decaying corpse, which she has been driving back and forth to work so she can use the car pool lane

What do those people all have in common? They don’t know shit about the Cubs.

CARRIE: He’s young, they said…

…he needs the money!

CARRIE: …and needs more experience, especially on defense. They didn’t want to call him up too soon, because they wanted to make sure when Castro did arrive, he would succeed, not regress. The attitude changed after the Cubs were swept in Pittsburgh. I trust my sources, have talked to all of them since the Castro callup, and know some still have reservations about the move. The Cubs evidently have decided they’re willing to live with the growing pains.

Sure, his defense has been and he hasn’t driven in a run since his debut, but that .323/.417/.516 line should make everyone with reservations shut their yaps.

I get an eerie feeling when I think about Carlos Zambrano’s move to the bullpen.

IT’S LIKE MY GRAVE IS IN THE BULLPEN, AND CARLOS ZAMBRANO IS WALKING ALL OVER IT!

It reminds me of Kerry Wood’s move to prolong his career in the face of arm troubles. Can you promise me there’s nothing more behind Z’s early struggles and his stint in the bullpen than has been advertised?

It’s worse than arm problems. The decision-makers of this franchise are seriously this stupid.

It’d help me sleep better at night.
– Jason F., Chatham, Ill.

So would poison.

CARRIE: Relax.

Spit out your gum, use your indoor voices, and for God’s sake, NO RUNNING IN THE LIBRARY!

CARRIE: Zambrano was moved solely because the Cubs needed a reliable setup pitcher.

Also, stupidity.

CARRIE: Having Big Z and Carlos Marmol in the ‘pen has provided a pretty solid 1-2 punch.

Except for the part when Zambrano has been pretty terrible in the bullpen. Oh, I’m sorry. “‘Pen.”

CARRIE: Wood’s situation was different, because he was coming off surgery on his right shoulder and it was determined that he couldn’t go deep in games.

And, if you recall, there was an outcry even when Wood was moved to the bullpen, as many Cubs fans suggested that his best value was still as a starter. In conclusion, a month after the Zambrano move, it still looks batshit insane.

Why doesn’t Lou Piniella get angry once in awhile to fire up the troops?

Because they’re overseas. How would they even see it when Lou got mad? Oh, you mean the team? Well, you’re just ridiculous, then.

It seems as though he’s lost his zeal to beef with the umpires.

More like he lost his VEAL to BEEF with them, am I right?

The Cubbies need that once in a while, or Piniella to get on the players to get them fired up.
– Frank G., Niota, Ill.

I’d prefer if he just round up all the players, put them into a barn, and fire the barn.

CARRIE: Challenging umpires is different than getting on the players. Kicking dirt and screaming at an ump makes for good video clips and that’s it. Piniella hasn’t lost his desire to win. He’s also handled matters with players behind closed doors and away from the cameras.

By putting Zambrano in the bullpen and demoting Aramis for a day? Nice moves, Lou.

Whatever happened to B.J. Ryan, and how is he doing with the Cubs in the Minors? Has there been any talk of bringing him back to the Majors?
– Hani K., Hoffman Estates, Ill.

Yet another space for a legitimate question taken by the stupid.

CARRIE: Ryan was signed to a Minor League deal in 2009 and released. I’m running your question because it seems several others missed that transaction.

“Several others”? MULTIPLE PEOPLE were asking about B.J. Ryan? I hate this team.

What are the Cubs thinking by sending Zambrano to the ‘pen? Why not sign a free agent like Jason Isringhausen or Braden Looper. They could sign both if they wanted to.

We’ll show them! We’ll sign a shitty reliever! We’ll sign all the shitty relievers in the world! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

I don’t see the logic in an $18 million setup man. Please, if there is any logic behind this move, could you inform the masses.
– Kevin B., Beecher, Ill.

Could you use a question mark at the end of your interrogatory statements? Or can you at least make your voice go up a little bit at the end of your questions, like ^this?

CARRIE: If you don’t factor in Zambrano’s salary and objectively compare him to the other Cubs starters, it makes sense.

If you read that quickly enough, it seems like it says if you don’t consider Zambrano’s salary and you don’t objectively compare him to the other Cubs starters, it makes sense. In the following circumstances, the move also makes sense.

• You learned the game of baseball under the watchful eye of Tony LaRussa.
• You lost to Ryan Theriot in a spelling contest.
• You’ve ever submitted a non-ironic question to the Muskbox.
• You haven’t been banned from Bleed Cubbie Blue.
• You’re reading this post in a polo and aviator sunglasses while drinking a PBR.

CARRIE: With Ted Lilly coming back, it looked like either Carlos Silva or Tom Gorzelanny was headed to the ‘pen to make room. But Silva battled shoulder problems last year in Seattle.

And you definitely want to rely on a guy coming off a year with shoulder problems to anchor your rotation. That’s why the Cubs steadfastly REFUSED to move Kerry Wood out of the starting rotation. They absolutely knew that his fragile arm could not handle the rigors of having to pitch on consecutive days out of the bullpen.

You know, it’s quite possible that the Cubs are totally full of shit and just make up stuff.

CARRIE: You need a durable setup pitcher. That’s Zambrano. Gorzelanny never pitched in relief until last season and it didn’t work well. He has to start.

“Tom, you sucked last year out of the bullpen in just over 38 innings pitched, so we have no choice but to try to pitch you 200 innings this year. Also, can you help me tighten the chin strap on my tin foil helmet?”

CARRIE: Ryan Dempster and Randy Wells have been terrific so far, and Lilly threw six shutout innings in his first start.

And got rocked his second start. If the Cubs hold true to their 2010 M.O., Lilly will get bumped from the rotation as soon as Jeff Samardzija is ready.

CARRIE: What the Cubs are thinking is they need help in the setup role, and if you take personalities and payroll out of the equation, Big Z makes the most sense.

Didn’t you just say this using a bunch of other words?

CARRIE: Plus, he was willing to do this. The momentum may have shifted in the National League Central on Saturday night when Zambrano began his new job as a setup pitcher.

I can all but guarantee that the 18-8 Cardinals are SHITTING THEIR PANTS WITH FEAR now that the Cubs are back to .500. Or maybe they’re shitting their pants with uproarious laughter that the Cubs moved one of the best starting pitchers in the division to a setup role. Who am I to ask these questions?

CARRIE: “The bottom line is that at this particular time, it makes us a better club,” general manager Jim Hendry said. “[Zambrano] didn’t throw poorly. [Silva and Gorzelanny], their arsenal isn’t conducive to going to the ‘pen. … There’s no agenda at all, except it was the best fit at the time. He’s capable of doing it.”

This answer is getting awfully long. It’s almost like the Cubs realized the move was idiotic but didn’t want to admit that they made a mistake, so they sent a messenger out, possibly to be shot.

CARRIE: Hendry looked for an experienced setup pitcher all offseason and couldn’t find a good match.

“Sorry, everyone! I honestly believed that Mariano Rivera might have been hiding at the bottom of this 60-pack of Munchkins. My bad!”

CARRIE: Isringhausen and Looper are both high risk because of their past injuries.

So was Chad Fox. The thing about high-risk guys like that is that you sign them, pitch them until their arms explode, and don’t really give a shit when they can’t lift their newborn daughter into her high chair to blow out the candles on her first birthday cake.

YOU FUCKING MONSTERS!!! YOU RUINED CHAD FOX’S LIFE!!!

CARRIE: If the Cubs made a mistake, it was…

1. …Brock-for-Broglio.
2. …moving Zambrano to the bullpen.
3. …trotting Mark Prior back out to the mound after he got his shoulder ripped off by Marcus Giles.
4. …hiring Chip Caray.
5. …Juan Pierre, Milton Bradley, Jacques Jones, Todd Hundley.

CARRIE: …counting on rookie Esmailin Caridad to be able to handle the setup role after his September outings.

That one isn’t even in the team picture for retarded mistakes the Cubs have made.

CARRIE: Caridad has the stuff, but he’s a rookie, and when he returns, he can be eased into appearances in less pressure situations.

Is there anyone on the pitching staff whose diapers don’t need to be changed every few hours by Lou?

CARRIE: Angel Guzman would have been great in the bullpen, but he couldn’t be counted on for the setup role because of his past history of shoulder and elbow problems.

Clearly, they should throw him in the starting rotation and demote Dempster to mop-up duty.

CARRIE: Zambrano has said he will do this until the Cubs find another setup pitcher. Nobody knows when that will be.

When- and who- that is, is hard to define.

CARRIE: “I don’t have a time frame,” Hendry said. “It makes us a better club right now. All the other guys are pitching great. A month from now, somebody may slip up or someone has an injury and things change.”

IS THIS ANSWER EVER GOING TO END?

CARRIE: Which means Zambrano could move back into the rotation. By that time, Caridad may be more effective. One thing is clear, salary was not a factor.

Other non-factors: statistics, past performance, loyalty, offensive production, badassery, and fear of a retaliatory ass kicking.

CARRIE: “You can’t worry about anybody’s individual salary,” Hendry said.

…as he signed John Grabow to a 5-year, $50M extension.

CARRIE: “Things change. People adjust. We’re going to have an injury or two along the way…

Please be Ryan Theriot. Please be Ryan Theriot. Please be Ryan Theriot.

CARRIE: “…and we’ll adjust to that. … Nobody ever breaks camp with the 25 in the same role and just run the table, win 100 and goes to the playoffs.

KERMIT: So, Jim. In your wildest fantasy, you only win 100 games and just MAKE IT to the playoffs?
JIM: Yeah, but you haven’t heard who we play in the playoffs!
KERMIT: Who?
JIM: The Mets!
KERMIT: How do you do?
JIM: We lose in Game Five on a walk-off suicide squeeze!
KERMIT: Sounds exciting. Also, I fucking hate you.

CARRIE: “To get hung up on what somebody makes or what they used to do or what’s going to happen a month from now or who you’re going to acquire, that’s foolish thinking.”

TRANSLATION: Please, Mr. Ricketts, don’t look at how much you’re paying me.

I’ve been a Sean Marshall fan since he became a member of the Cubs.

High five, brother.

Checking the stats from the April 11 game vs. the Reds, I noticed that Marshall pitched two-thirds of an inning, resulting in one hit, but no earned runs (continuing his scoreless streak). However, he was credited with a blown save. Is this accurate? How can someone not allow any runs and get charged with a blown save?
– Dan Y., Oklahoma City, Okla.

Even statisticians inexplicably hate SeanBearPig.

CARRIE: Marshall came into that game to relieve Gorzelanny with the Cubs ahead, 1-0, and the bases loaded. It was a save situation for the lefty, and he promptly allowed an RBI single to Miguel Cairo. Although the run isn’t charged to Marshall, a blown save is charged to the pitcher who is on the mound when the tying run scores.

SeanBearPig relieved Gorzelanny to pitch to Miguel Cairo? I’m going to check with Ed Hartig on this one, but is that the butt-ass ugliest sequence of baseball ever played?

What is the average WHIP in the National League or Major Leagues? What is considered good (like a 3.00 ERA or a .300 batting average)?
– Darrell C., Munster, Ind.

What would you say is a significant number?

CARRIE: First, let’s explain what WHIP is.

I am literally giddy with anticipation at the thought of Carrie explaining this.

CARRIE (rifling through baseball encyclopedia): It’s a sabermetric measurement for the number of baserunners a pitcher has allowed per inning pitched. To determine it, you add walks plus hits and divide that by innings pitched. It’s considered a more effective way to determine a pitcher’s effectiveness.

You okay so far? You want a little breather?

CARRIE: A WHIP of 1.00 or smaller over the course of the season will rank among the league leaders. The lowest single-season WHIP was set by Pedro Martinez in 2000, when he gave up 128 hits and 32 walks over 217 innings for a 0.7373 WHIP. In 2009, Arizona’s Dan Haren led the NL with a 1.00 WHIP, and Kansas City’s Zack Greinke was tops in the American League with a 1.07 WHIP.

“Oh, you asked about the average WHIP in the NL or the MLB? Is that a three-headed monkey behind you?”

CARRIE: Through Monday, Silva was leading the Cubs and the NL with a 0.77 WHIP. But it’s early.

Yes, not even Carrie thinks that Silva can keep this up. Somewhere, Carlos Zambrano is tattooing “LOVE” and “HATE” on his knuckles.

CARRIE: Ted Lilly is third among the Cubs and he’s only had one start. What’s encouraging is that Carlos Marmol has a 0.94 WHIP. Compare that with Jeff Samardzija, who…

…is terrible. Come to think of it, it makes no real sense to compare them at all.

CARRIE: …gave up five hits and six walks over 3 1/3 innings for a 3.30 WHIP. The last Cubs pitcher to lead the NL in WHIP in a season was Fergie Jenkins in 1970 at 1.04.

Has Hendry looked into signing him? Perhaps at the bottom of a jumbo tub of popcorn with extra nacho cheese powder?

How does the organization decide where to send players in the Minors? I see they sent Starlin Castro to Double-A Tennessee and Darwin Barney to Triple-A Iowa. Does this mean the front office feels Barney is more ready for the big leagues than Castro? It seems like they call up pitchers from Double-A and position players from Triple-A.
– Jerry A., Masonville, Iowa

Just admit that you’re really pissed off that Castro isn’t playing 2 hours and 45 minutes from your home in Iowa right now.

CARRIE: Barney was in Triple-A last year. He did nothing this spring to warrant a demotion, and in fact, impressed the Cubs with his defensive play. If they needed an infielder to sub at the big league level for a short-term callup, Barney could be the guy. As well as Castro has played — and he’s tearing it up at Tennessee, batting .361 — he only played 31 games there. It’s better for him to have success at Double-A and force the Cubs to move him up, rather than be assigned to Iowa at the start of the year, struggle and then be dropped from Triple-A to Double-A.

I think it would be better if he were starting at shortstop in Chicago, and Theriot was riding the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier.

CARRIE: And a note to Rebel Ridling fans:

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

CARRIE: He was slowed this spring because of health issues but joined Class A Daytona on Tuesday.

THANK GOD.

I would play Tyler Colvin almost every day.

“Because I think it’s a good idea to bench one of the three most productive hitters in the starting lineup in favor of Tyler Colvin.”

He’s a great defensive player, and the Cubs need defense when they’re not swinging the bats well. Good defense can inspire good offense.
– Jeff L., Kenosha, Wis.

You’re a dope.

CARRIE: Manager Lou Piniella is trying to get Colvin in the lineup as often as he can through his outfield rotation, and it seems to be working. The Cubs have liked what they’ve seen of Colvin’s glove and bat.

Wilson and Louisville Slugger, if you’re wondering. Sleek lines. Smell like leather and pine tar, respectively.

CARRIE: He nearly hit for the cycle Sunday, and then tripled off a left-hander on Monday.

Why in the world was he facing John Grabow?

Is Rudy Jaramillo’s hitting program something that could be implemented organization-wise? Has there been talk of doing such? I’m wondering if his approach could be taught to other coaches.
– Matt W., Atlanta, Texas

I agree. Jaramillo came from Texas with hardly a blemish on his record. I really think the Cubs should get more proactiv in instituting his teachings. I don’t want to pimple Gerald Perry too much, but it really feels like the Cubs have been swinging the bats a lot more clean and clear this season. They’ve taken a lot of stride-ex at the plate. It’s clearasil that this neutrogena approach is working. Just oxy anyone involved with the team.

CARRIE: Actually, one of the first things Jaramillo did at the Cubs’ organizational meetings in November was talk to the Minor League hitting coaches about that. All players in the Cubs system are following Jaramillo’s program.

The Rudy Jaramillo Hitting Program:

1. Get traded to Texas.
2. Inject yourself with horse steroids.
3. ???
4. Profit!

And now, on to this week’s Muskbox.

Everyone is talking about how Theriot is going to move to second when Castro comes up. No one seems to mention how Fontenot is going to lose his job.

Mostly because all of those people are busily following the career of Rebel Ridling.

I highly doubt the Cubs can keep Jeff Baker and Fontenot and Theriot all playing second…

If they did, they might have the equivalent of ONE good defensive second baseman.

…so someone has to go. Anyways, Fontenot has been playing well and should keep getting at-bats.
– Michael D., Des Plaines, Ill.

He has three extra-base hits. All doubles. He’s slugging .348. Face it. The fact that he can legally be carried on for free to a United Airlines flight finally caught up to him.

CARRIE: Slow down.

“Tell me how you’ve been a naughty boy, and how you don’t return your overdue library books on time!”

CARRIE: Castro is not coming up this week or next. He may not get a call until September when rosters expand. The highly-touted shortstop is batting .354 at Double-A Tennessee but still has a lot of baseball to learn.

You only get 27 outs. Try not to make any of them. There you go. Get his ass up here.

CARRIE: He turned 20 in March. He has the physical talent and now it’s a matter of developing baseball smarts. When the Cubs call him up, they don’t want him wearing uniform No. 67 but a number better suited for a regular.

Only this organization is so idiotic that they care what uniform number their number one prospect is going to wear in the even that he actually makes it to the big leagues.

CARRIE: As for Theriot, he’s well aware of Castro’s presence and has been since before Spring Training started.

Is he aware that there’s going to be a Transformers THREE???

CARRIE: GM Jim Hendry has talked to Theriot about the possibility of moving to second.

Theriot held up four fingers and said, “THAT’S THIS MANY!”

CARRIE: Where does that leave Fontenot and Baker?

The bench, thank God.

CARRIE: That will depend on who’s hot. Baker can sub at third. Maybe one of the infielders is moved in a trade. But all of that is a long way from happening. Keep in mind, if Theriot is hurt and expected to miss 15 days, you’d probably see Darwin Barney called up from Triple-A Iowa and not Castro.

You’d also see me, covered in brake fluid and running away from Theriot’s car.

Where is Baker? We haven’t seen him since April 26. He doesn’t have the highest batting average but he gets the bat on the ball and is a power hitter.
– J.G., Washington, D.C.

“He’s not the smartest guy, but as far as I know he’s never shat himself. At least not in public.”
“She’s not the prettiest girl, but you can definitely tell she’s a girl when she shaves her face.”
“He’s not the greatest GM, but he’s never traded for Juan Pierre- Oh, God, he did WHAT?”

CARRIE: You’re right, Baker hasn’t played since April 26.

So far, you’re the first person who’s noticed. And that’s INCLUDING Jeff Baker.

CARRIE: But he’ll probably start Tuesday night against Pirates lefty Paul Maholm.

Darla, cancel my evening plans! Jeff Baker is starting tonight!

(realizes he doesn’t have evening plans)

(realizes he doesn’t have a secretary)

(realizes he doesn’t even know a “Darla”)

(cries)

CARRIE: He’s hitting .214 overall and .320 (8-for-25) against left-handers so far. Power? He has two home runs. Fontenot may not have any but he’s hitting .303 overall and .306 against right-handers. It’s been a good platoon so far and no dropoff defensively.

Never mind the fact that Baker is slugging 80 points higher than Fontenot. Or that Fontenot only has one more extra-base hit than Baker has home runs. Fontenot helped Frodo get all the way to Mount Doom, so he should start.

Do you think the recent actions and inactions by the Arizona legislature will make Florida more likely a reality? Truthfully, I had hoped the Cubs would remain in Arizona, but in light of recent events, I have my doubts.
– Jonathan M., Cary, N.C.

Politics in the Muskbox?

RIDICULOUSNESS WARNING LEVEL: BRIGHT RED

CARRIE: What happened is the Arizona legislature adjourned without passing legislation the Cubs need to keep their Spring Training site in Mesa, Ariz. However, that doesn’t mean the Cubs are headed to Florida. The Arizona lawmakers could still call a special session to resolve the matter. The Cubs and Mesa officials signed a memorandum of understanding (MOU) in late January that provides exclusive negotiation between the team and the city. One of the conditions of the MOU was that the legislature determine some kind of funding by July 12, 2010. Major League Baseball has stepped in to help figure out a way to finance the Cubs’ project without overtaxing other Cactus League teams. It’s May 3. There’s time.

Am I the only one who assumed that this question was at least partially about the immigration bill? You know, what with it being a current event which everyone is talking about?

Where is Esmailin Caridad? I thought he was going to be activated right after the 15 days?
– Ryan G., Ashland, Ohio

If there’s one thing this bullpen needs, it’s his steady 13.50 ERA.

CARRIE: When a player goes on the 15-day disabled list, it doesn’t mean they are automatically activated after that time span.

You see, Ryan, when a player and the disabled list love each other very much, they do a special kind of hugging. And then the disabled list’s tummy gets really big, and nine months later, Mark Prior pops out.

CARRIE: Caridad pitched one inning on Saturday in Mesa, and will join Triple-A Iowa this week to test his arm in games. He was placed on the DL, retroactive to April 12, with a strained forearm. If all goes well, he could join the Cubs by the end of this week.

At which point, Ryan Dempster will be sent to the bullpen.

If the situation presented itself, would manager Lou Piniella bring in Carlos Zambrano to relieve Carlos Silva and then have Carlos Marmol close? Seeing as how my name is Carlos, it was one of the first things I thought of when I heard Big Z was going to the ‘pen.

I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt and pray that the very first thing was, “Why the fuck do I root for this franchise?” Followed by, “I would really like to hit Jim Hendry in the temple with a tire iron.” Then, possibly, “I wonder how much brimstone-rimmed, thorned dick Carlos Silva had to suck to stay in the rotation.”

And then the Carlos thing.

Has anything like that ever happened before where a starter, reliever and closer for a team all pitch in the same game and all have the same first name? I know it’s lame, but I’m curious.
– Carlos L., New Albany, Ind.

I’m glad I made the assumption I did. At least he knows it’s lame.

CARRIE: It happened April 26 against the Nationals. Silva went seven innings, Sean Marshall broke up the symmetry by pitching one-third of an inning, then Zambrano went 1 2/3 innings and Marmol pitched the ninth and ended up with the win.

I don’t really think you’re playing by the rules.

CARRIE: It was the first time the Cubs used three pitchers with the same first name in a game since June 5, 1966, when Bill Hands, Bill Connors and Bill Hoeft all appeared in an 8-3 loss to the Reds in Cincinnati. Thanks to historian Ed Hartig for that tidbit.

HARTIG: Someone please kill me.

CARRIE: Maybe Marshall will change his first name.

Always leave them with a joke!

No, there’s no more Muskbox. That was it. See you next week.

Why did the Cubs sign Marlon Byrd?

To play center field. Next question, asshole.

They have Tyler Colvin, who is big league ready…

After only 34 Major League plate appearances! Wow! So far this season, he is batting .100. Even someone so stupid that they can’t figure out Velcro has to know that that’s bad.

…and Byrd is holding him back from starting even longer.

You know who’s “holding him back” more, and about whom you should be writing? Alfonso Soriano.

And if they chose Colvin to be the center fielder for next year, Byrd would be a bench player making $15 million.
– Tim S., Chicago

Wait, are you making a case for Colvin, a case for Byrd, or a case for fiscal responsibility? It is Tax Day, after all.

CARRIE: If the Cubs didn’t sign Byrd and Colvin didn’t have the spring he had, you and others would be complaining that general manager Jim Hendry didn’t do enough.

SICK BURN!!!

CARRIE: The Cubs signed Byrd on Dec. 31. Who knew in December that Colvin would look like young Ted Williams, which is what some scouts said when they saw him in the Cactus League?

Every single one of those scouts was immediately fired. Except for the ones on the Cubs, who were all promoted and given raises and company cars.

CARRIE: And nobody knows today if Colvin is big league ready. In 10 at-bats so far, he has one hit, and that was his home run in Atlanta. Manager Lou Piniella knows that he has to get Colvin playing time, and somehow, he will.

Maybe he can start for the Bears AS SOON AS THAT FUCKING JAY CUTLER STOPS BLOCKING HIM FROM GETTING SNAPS!

I’m glad Colvin had a good spring. The .468 average was awesome and an ISO of .242 also is very impressive.

Is it? I don’t really follow the stock market.

There is one huge red flag, though.

That it was only Spring Training?

In 62 spring at-bats, he had zero walks.

Oh.

Is anybody else worried about this besides me? You can’t be an everyday player without a patient approach.
– Peter O., Chicago

(checks starting lineups)
(notices Soriano is still in it)
(waves hand dismissively)

CARRIE: You and a few bloggers…

I WANT NAMES!

CARRIE: …appear to be the only ones concerned about Colvin’s lack of walks. In his six games with the Cubs so far, he has walked twice.

Now, he’s up to a Bondsian three times in seven games, good for a .308 OBP. Wow. Even a guy who hits .100 can manage a better OBP than Corey Patterson.

What are the chances Lou will play the outfielders who deserve playing time based on their performance on the field rather than their contracts?

What are the chances you are Tyler Colvin?

Last season, he played Milton Bradley, Kosuke Fukudome and Alfonso Soriano, even when it was obvious they were struggling, and refused to play Jake Fox or Micah Hoffpauir — no matter how well they played.

FINALLY I’m not the only one pining for Hoffpauir’s .239/.300/.427 line and Fox’s .259/.311/.468 line from last year! We can finally stand together and say, “Yes! We DEMAND a two-man outfield of Micah Hoffpauir and Jake Fox! Just you TRY to drop your balls into that outfield!” Finally, WE HAVE A VOICE! There are dozens of us! We will not be ignored!

We all know Soriano and Fukudome will struggle and we also know Lou will stick with them rather than play Colvin or Hoffpauir so he doesn’t make his GM look bad for signing these guys to ridiculous contracts.

We do?

– Jeff P., Calgary

Oh, I see. Go watch hockey, moosefucker.

CARRIE: Monday’s game was a good example of what Piniella will do. He started Xavier Nady in right against Brewers’ lefty Doug Davis, and Nady came through with a three-run homer.

LOU: You, Nady! Hit a three-run homer!
NADY: Okay, skip! (slugs three-run homer)
LOU: I TOLD him to do that!
TRAMMELL: Brilliant strategy, sir.

CARRIE: It’s tough to bench a .400 hitter, but Piniella did that with Fukudome.

I bet it’s even harder to do when he doesn’t speak much English.

LOU: Kah-Skay, I’m gonna give you a little bit of a breather today.
FUKUDOME: …
LOU: Look, you’re doing a great job, but you always start out hot and wear down as the year goes on, so I’m going to try to give you some more rests early on.
FUKUDOME: …
LOU: Is any of this getting through?
FUKUDOME: …
LOU: (points to building) Look out! Here comes Godzilla!
FUKUDOME: AIYEEEEE! (runs away)
LOU: Nady, you’re starting in right.

CARRIE: Then, Piniella pulled Soriano for defense in the seventh.

How is that a difficult decision? The only difficult decision for Lou was whether he should pull Soriano or just execute him gangland-style.

CARRIE: Because the games have been so close, the Cubs need their best defense out there. Fox and Hoffpauir were good hitters…

Not really. Incidentally, Fox is hitting .067/.125/.267 through 16 plate appearances this year.

CARRIE: …but not the strongest options in the field.

Still not an option: DEATH.

With the Cubs’ bullpen hurt and lacking in experience, is there still a possibility of bringing in some outside help? I’ve noticed there are still some possibilities like David Weathers, Jason Isringhausen, Chad Bradford and Troy Percival. They’re on the market and may be risky but could also come at a low cost.
– Henry F., Batavia, Ill.

Holy shit, Isringhausen actually pitched last year? I honestly had no idea. As for your idea, it’s stupid. The Cubs have plenty of guys on the roster who can suck just as much as the guys you listed, and they cost less.

CARRIE: The Cubs feel the pitchers they have are better than those you listed, especially considering the cost and injury risk. They were counting on Angel Guzman this year, and losing him because of shoulder surgery was unexpected…

If only there was some sort of…tool. For researching baseball injuries. Oh, Cubs. You are the Charlie Brown of the MLB.

CARRIE: …but they do have Jeff Gray at Triple-A Iowa.

Not anymore!

CARRIE: When Ted Lilly returns…

…HELL RETURNS WITH HIM!

CARRIE: …someone in the rotation is going to slide into the bullpen. Will it be Tom Gorzelanny? Carlos Silva?

Why the fuck are you asking me? Ask Lou Piniella, dumbass.

CARRIE: It may depend on whether the bullpen needs help from the right or left side.

More likely, it will depend on who sucks the least in the starting rotation.

CARRIE: By the way, Gray, slowed this spring by a groin injury…

Slumpbuster!

CARRIE: …has given up one hit over four innings in three appearances with Iowa. With the exception of Opening Day in Atlanta, the Cubs’ games were all decided by two runs or less. Monday’s 9-5 win was a rout — and a perfect chance to get Jeff Samardzija in a game. He finally had a little cushion, so if he didn’t throw a perfect pitch, it wouldn’t hurt him.

Plus, it was a great opportunity to get his ERA out of TRIPLE DIGITS.

CARRIE: “We’re giving these pitchers very little breathing room,” Piniella said Monday.

“Which is important, especially after Sinatro uses the shitter,” he finished.

CARRIE: “Remember, we have six out of seven new pitchers in the bullpen. It takes a little while to sort it out. … That’s what we’re going to have to do, adjust a little bit.”

…he finished, adjusting himself and winking salaciously.

CARRIE: The Cubs do need to cut down on the walks. The relievers so far have walked 13 and given up 17 hits in 20 innings. That’s a lot of baserunners.

And, unfortunately for the Cubs, they don’t all run the bases like a bunch of Theriots.

CARRIE: A note to folks who have asked about B.J. Ryan, who signed with the Cubs last spring:

“How the fuck did you even remember B.J. Ryan was on the roster, you absolute headcase?”

CARRIE: He was released last year.

That too.

I’ve noticed that Matt Sinatro isn’t coaching first base. What is his capacity?

6.75 liters.

He’s one of my favorites.
– Gerri K., Cincinnati

Favorite what? Favorite base coach? How the hell do you begin the process of selecting a favorite base coach? That’s like picking a favorite section of the bleachers, where you sit and watch every home game and maybe bring your own bag lunch. What I’m saying is, it’s the sort of thing that mental patients do.

CARRIE: Sinatro and Ivan DeJesus have switched some job assignments.

And some pants, with HILARIOUS results!

CARRIE: Sinatro is now a special assistant to Piniella…

…in charge of MapQuesting the trip to AND from Cincinnati.

CARRIE: …and in charge of the catchers and scouting reports. DeJesus, who was a special assistant last year, works with the baserunners, which is why it’d be good if he was on the field.

Yes, good on the field ACTUALLY RUNNING the bases for these retards.

I’m very happy that Billy Williams will have a statue erected…

(snicker)

…at Wrigley Field. He deserves it. Do you think Ron Santo will get a statue, too? I think he’s deserving of one just as Ernie Banks and Harry Caray are.
– Joe E., Chicago

What have I told you, Garry Meier, about writing into the Muskbox? Remember? I said, “Don’t write into the Muskbox.” Now, STOP IT. Seriously, though, does anyone else think it’s sort of pathetic that the Cubs have historically sucked so much that the first statue they erected was of a broadcaster? Just me? Okay.

CARRIE: There should be room for Williams, Santo, Hack Wilson, Ryne Sandberg and more.

MUSKAT!

CARRIE: The long-term plans call for the creation of an area between the yet-to-be-built Triangle building along Clark Street and Wrigley Field, where the Cubs can install more statues. So, wherever they put Williams’ statue, it may be a temporary location.

I hope they do a Grace statue that shows him sitting spread eagle across the El tracks, so it looks like the train is flying out of his crotch. Just me? Okay.

With the way Tyler Colvin is playing, do you think he can steal Kosuke Fukudome’s spot or is Fukudome’s contract too big to bench?
– Humberto G., Naperville, Ill.

Colvin is going to execute a SNEAK ATTACK on the Cubs’ lone Japanese player? Payback time!

CARRIE: Fukudome has a big contract, Alfonso Soriano has a big contract and Marlon Byrd has a big contract.

And, yet, Jim Hendry has a job.

CARRIE: The Cubs won’t keep Colvin on the big league roster unless he will get a few starts a week. That could be possible to keep Soriano, Fukudome and Byrd fresh.

And if that doesn’t work…

I keep hearing about Xavier Nady’s injury. Why would the Cubs sign Nady to a new contract after he was injured? Why didn’t we go after a guy like Jermaine Dye or trade for an extra outfielder?
– Shane G., Lombard, Ill.

Mark Prior, Kerry Wood, Wade Miller, Ryan Dempster, Nomar Garciaparra, and Rich Harden want to know if you have ever watched the Cubs before.

CARRIE: Because Nady has a career .280 average and he’s a professional hitter.

These other guys are out there hitting for FREE!

CARRIE: The team can adjust defensively to any problems he may have throwing. They can move the infielders back further to keep the relay throws shorter.

Rather, they could if Theriot were capable of making a throw to first base at even standard depth.

CARRIE: Nady gives them experience, which is something they didn’t have last season on the bench.

DARYLE WARD: GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

CARRIE: As for Dye, he hit .179 in the second half last season with seven homers and 26 RBIs.

Yeah, and the Cubs already have plenty of guys who can do that in the second half!

FUKUDOME: 4 HR, 27 RBIs
SORIANO: 6 HR, 22 RBIs

What happened to Jeff Gray? I thought he was going to be an important piece of the bullpen when he was acquired from Oakland.
– Eric W., Coral Springs, Fla.

You seriously thought that?

CARRIE: Gray strained his groin before camp opened while working out at Fitch Park and made his first Cactus League appearance on Wednesday. He won’t make the Opening Day roster — he’s too far behind.

At least that’s what the media is reporting. With this team, it’s equally as likely that he gets folded up into a sleeper sofa and misses the entire season.

CARRIE: “He’s got a nice arm,” Piniella said. “But if you’re rushing to get him ready, you’re looking at something [bad] that could really happen. … I like what I see. But if you get him on the fast track, then you’ve got a little problem.”

Just a little problem, still? No worries, then. Just let me know when the problem gets David-Patton-sized.

A handful of years ago, the Cubs brought up a left-handed starter from the Minor Leagues which I believe had the last name of O’Malley. I don’t remember if he was injured or something, but he started and did a very good job for the club. What happened to this pitcher? I remember he was from Illinois.
– Hugh S., Catlin, Ill.

I never thought I’d see the day where I’d hear someone pine for Ryan O’Malley. Of course, I also never thought I’d see the day when Carlos Silva was the FOURTH starter on the Cubs.

CARRIE: It was Ryan O’Malley, who I saw Wednesday in Surprise, Ariz..

…for one night of unbridled passion and Awesome Blossoms.

CARRIE: He’s now a Minor League coach for the Rangers. That one game was Aug. 16, 2006, in Houston, when he was called up from Triple-A Iowa (the team happened to be in Round Rock, Texas). He threw eight scoreless innings, gave up five hits, walked six and struck out two. The Cubs had played an extra-inning game the night before and were out of pitchers. A Springfield, Ill., native, O’Malley made one more start Aug. 22, 2006, and went 4 2/3 innings but was injured. He did not pitch in the big leagues again.

It’s a miracle that the Cubs won that game 1-0. Look at this lineup:

Juan Pierre CF
Ryan Theriot 2B
Michael Barrett C
Aramis Ramirez 3B
Phil Nevin 1B
Angel Pagan RF
Matt Murton LF
Neifi Perez SS
Ryan O’Malley P

Michael Barrett batted THIRD. Incidentally, the Astros spent the entire week after the game bitching about how unfair it was that the Cubs were allowed to call up a rookie pitcher to face them.

I’m just glad that Colvin decided to add the 25 lbs of “good” muscle instead of opting for the “bad” muscle.

There is actually a bad muscle, Waco Kid, and it’s somewhere in Carrie Muskat’s pants. Happy hunting!

Who is the candidate for the Cubs’ setup role now with Angel Guzman out?
– Alex P., St. Louis Park, Minn.

Please don’t say David Patton. Please don’t say David Patton. Please don’t say David Patton.

CARRIE: Right now, Esmailin Caridad and John Grabow are the right-left setup options for Lou Piniella. Those two and Carlos Marmol are the only pitchers set for the ‘pen, while the rest will be sorted out this spring. Caridad went 5-10 with a 4.17 ERA as a starter last season at Triple-A Iowa, but when he pitched in relief with the Cubs, he compiled a 1.40 ERA in 14 games. He has the stuff but not the experience. The Cubs also are looking at some youngsters like Justin Berg, James Russell, John Gaub, Thomas Diamond, Blake Parker and Rule 5 draftee Mike Parisi. Guzman, 28, is sidelined indefinitely with a torn ligament in his right shoulder.

I have a question which I need to ask in all sincerity. It’s been kicking around in the back of my mind for some time, and it seems like no one is talking about it. I don’t know if it’s just a sore subject or if it would be a social faux pas to ask it, but here goes.

Is Sean Marshall dead?

With Castro coming up and Ryan Theriot now comfortable at shortstop, why not bring Castro up to Triple-A and have Ryne Sandberg teach him second base? Then we will keep Theriot and Castro as our middle infielders.
– Reed H., Cape Coral, Fla.

I don’t understand defensive statistics as much as some bloggers like to pretend they understand defensive statistics, but I can tell you this. Starlin Castro is 11 Ozzie Smiths better than Ryan Theriot at shortstop. That translates out to 30 less crow-hops he needs to take from short to get the ball to first over the course of a season.

CARRIE: Castro will play some second base, but that’s something the Cubs like to have all of their middle infielders do in the Minor Leagues.

That way, Jim Hendry only needs to sign a dozen second basemen each offseason instead of the normal two dozen.

CARRIE: The thinking is that if the shortstop understands what it’s like to play second — for example, learning what the second baseman is looking for with double play feeds — it will make him a better shortstop, as well as more versatile.

For a similar reason, they make all of their infielders wear fat suits so they know what it’s like to be Carlos Silva.

CARRIE: Castro, who turns 20 on March 24, has worked with Sandberg already. The two were together at Double-A Tennessee last season, and they have done drills this spring along with Alan Trammell. Castro has a very good arm and is very smooth at shortstop. That’s his best position. The Cubs do have some talent in their system in the middle. Not only is Castro highly regarded, but so are shortstops Darwin Barney and Hak-Ju Lee. Castro is expected to open the season in the Minors.

Do we have any middle infielders with normal names? Maybe something more prone to puns like “You Can’t Quiet The Riot!” No? Okay, I’ll come up with some.

“Get Overthrown by Castro!”
“Darwin: Start the Evolution!”
“Hak-Ju Lee? But I Barely Even Know Her!”

What’s the status of David Patton? I coached him in youth summer ball and am very proud of his development. Is he slated to make the squad?
– Warren H., Seattle

You coached him? So this is YOUR fault. YOU did this.

Seriously, though, he sucks.

CARRIE: Patton, whom the Cubs acquired in the 2008 Rule 5 Draft, most likely will open in the Minor Leagues. He did well last season, considering he had not pitched above Class A.

There is no possible way to even pretend that anything David Patton did last year was done “well.” Hell, it’s hard to make an argument that anything he did last year could even be considered “pitching.”

CARRIE: Patton says hi, by the way. “[Warren] helped me a lot — he believed in me,” Patton said.

Which is exactly why Warren called Peter Venkman, Egon Spengler, Ray Stantz, and Winston Zeddmore.

I’m a huge Cubs fan…

I can tell, because you JUST TOLD ME YOU ARE.

…and I watch every game here in Venezuela.

I live closer to Chicago than you do. Therefore, I am a bigger Cubs fan.

I was wondering if there’s any possibility that Alfonso Soriano could return to second base like he used to play in Texas?

You watch every game, you say?

Just to open some space in the outfield for Xavier Nady, a guy who can drive in 90 runs.
– Rodrigo, A., Maracaibo, Venezuela

Can you imagine poor Derrek Lee in this nightmare infield scenario? At least 2-3 times a game, Derrek would have to turn to one of the cameras, puff out his cheeks, shrug his shoulders, and make a sad trombone sound.

CARRIE: When Soriano played second base from 2001-05 for the Yankees and Rangers, he averaged 21 errors per season.

STUD SHORTSTOP Ryan Theriot averages 15 per season, and he can’t hit.

CARRIE: There’s a reason he was moved to the outfield.

So the racist Cubs fans wouldn’t have to yell so loudly to heckle him?

CARRIE: And if you’re going to open up an outfield spot, I’d like to see someone like Tyler Colvin get playing time. He’s looked really good in the early games, and even Carlos Zambrano commented on how well the young outfielder is hitting. That’s high praise coming from Big Z. Colvin added 25 pounds of good muscle this offseason.

He’s also hitting against Spring Training pitching. But I’m sure it’s the muscle.

While riding the L this morning…

…reading RedEye, drinking Starbucks, working on my screenplay, and listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah on my iPod Touch.

…I noticed the back of the scoreboard (which used to boast a giant neon “Chicago Cubs”) is blank and appears to have been whitewashed. What exactly is up with that…

And what’s the deal with airline food these days? Is it food, or is it cardboard? Am I right? And how come energy-efficient cars get the best parking spots nowadays? If we’re trying to save the environment, shouldn’t we let the gas-guzzlers park up front and make the energy-efficient cars drive all the way to the back of the parking lot?

…and what other renovations can we expect the Ricketts family to make before Opening Day?
– Kevin L., Chicago

Nachos for all! Ironic cans of PBR for most!

CARRIE: That area of the scoreboard is being spruced up, and the sign will be back by Opening Day.

It had better be. Or else, you’re going to have a boycott on your hands.

CARRIE: Among the other changes this year are improved restrooms on the concourse and a change on the facade at the corner of Addison and Sheffield streets. There’s also the new mezzanine suite, the PNC Club of Chicago, and fans who have access to the area below the right-field bleachers will be able to watch players in the batting cages from behind a one-way glass. You’ll be able to see them working with hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo, but they can’t see you.

Sweet. When is feeding time?

I watched Carlos Silva on March 6 vs. White Sox, and it was not pretty. What I did see was that he was around the plate and I hear he has a mean sinker that would work in any air other than the desert of Arizona (another good reason to move to Florida so they can evaluate the breaking balls). Maybe he would thrive in a new role as a right-handed setup man.
– Bill H., The Villages, Fla.

You know who else gets paid to be “around the plate”? Batting practice pitchers. I hope Silva thrives in a new role in the crushing cold of the deepest part of the deepest sea.

CARRIE: That game against the White Sox was Silva’s first…

…and, God-willing, last…

CARRIE: …start. Did you see his second outing on March 11? In that game, he gave up four hits and walked one over three scoreless innings.

Good for a 1.67 WHIP! Color me encouraged!

CARRIE: What was encouraging after the second start were the comments Silva made.

The guy sure sounds like he knows what he’s doing.

CARRIE: He said he felt excited to pitch again for the first time in a couple years, saying the changes were helpful.

After the year he put together in 2009, this fat bastard should be excited to be getting paid to pitch anywhere.

CARRIE: Let’s give him and pitching coach Larry Rothschild some time.

No.

CARRIE: And, yes, he does have a good sinker — at least he did when he was with the Twins. That’s what they’re working on.

They’re also working on rigging up a feedbag that Silva can wear while pitching so he doesn’t have to waste a lot of time cutting and handling his meals.

Why is Mike Fontenot spending so much time playing shortstop? It seems like we are already overloaded at short and from the sounds of the Starlin Castro chatter, Ryan Theriot may be out of a position in a year or two. Why doesn’t Theriot try switching to second so he can stay in the lineup?
– Eric S., Coral Gables, Fla.

More importantly, why didn’t anyone else ever think to ask this question?

CARRIE: The Cubs are trying to determine their bench.

They’ve asked the bench over and over for an explanation, but the bench refuses to cooperate, remaining mostly silent and inanimate.

CARRIE: If Fontenot can play shortstop, then the Cubs would be more likely to carry a player like Kevin Millar or Chad Tracy as opposed to someone like Andres Blanco, who is a bigger help on defense than offense.

So, if Fontenot sucks at shortstop (likely), there’s a greater possibility that Kevin Millar won’t be yukking it up in the clubhouse all season? I have never rooted so hard for the absolute failure of a player. No offense, Mike.

CARRIE: And don’t look for Castro to be on the roster on Opening Day. He’ll open the season in the Minor Leagues.

Well, I’m glad that was clarified. Twice. On consecutive weeks. Also, here. And here. And here.

CARRIE: As Lou Piniella said the other day, why not? The Cubs want to carry an extra outfielder besides Xavier Nady, and they have four candidates in Colvin, Sam Fuld, Jim Adduci and Brad Snyder. Colvin, a welcome left-handed bat, has been impressive this spring and it looks as if the extra 25 pounds of muscle he added and the strength workouts he did paid off. All four of those outfielders can play all three positions, which helps, too.

It would help even more if we could put all four of them out there at the same time.

Looking at the bullpen, I see some major issues, specifically the lack of experience and depth.

A man goes to see his doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a pain in my elbow.”

The doctor says, “Describe how it hurts.”

The man waves his forearm back and forth and says, “Well, it only hurts when I move it like this.”

The doctor says, “So don’t move it like that anymore.”

Moral of the story? Just don’t look at the bullpen, then.

Are the Cubs going to try to fill in some holes in their bullpen through either free agency or a trade or just stand pat?
– Harry K., Winnetka, Ill.

I don’t know, but I do know that Scott Eyre is available.

CARRIE: They are young. General manager Jim Hendry has been looking for an experienced right-handed pitcher since before the Winter Meetings. Right now, the only relievers set are Carlos Marmol, John Grabow and Esmailin Caridad, and Marmol is the only holdover from Opening Day 2009. Remember, two of the pitchers currently in the running for the rotation who don’t make it will likely be moved to the bullpen.

And those pitchers would be…? Samardzija and the dearly departed Sean Marshall?

CARRIE: Piniella has been pleased with some of the youngsters like Justin Berg and John Gaub, and there’s nothing wrong with youth as long as they get the job done.

And they don’t run in the hallways. And they keep quiet in the library. And they stay the hell off my lawn!

I keep hearing that Millar might go to the Minors to get more at-bats and that the best thing to do is have him lead off every inning. How do the rules work so the same player can lead off every inning?
– Isaac M., Kansas City

They say there are no stupid questions. Only stupid people asking questions about Kevin Millar getting at-bats. But I disagree with that idea. I think that this is a stupid person asking a stupid question about Kevin Millar.

CARRIE: That doesn’t mean Millar would do that with Triple-A Iowa. This spring, he could go down to the Cubs’ complex at Fitch Park and play in one of the Minor League games there. The rules are a little lax. A lot of teams use those games to let guys who are rehabbing or need some extra at-bats get their work in. The Cubs may do that with Nady as well.

Which would make sense, because Nady is hurt, he’s a useful player, and he’s not Kevin Millar. How many times does the Muskbox need to repeat Kevin Millar’s name before he appears behind you in a mirror and makes the team?

I’ve been wondering if there was some reason Blanco has been left out of the roster discussion. It seems no one considers him a candidate for much of anything…

BLANCO-SCALES 2012!

…but I was very impressed with what I saw of him last year.

What that was, is hard to define.

He made some incredible plays. I know his hitting left something to be desired…

Contact, patience, power…

…but isn’t that something that a lot of guys struggle with when they only get into 53 games? Can you help me understand why he’s not getting any credit or consideration?
– Jonathan T., St. Charles, Ill.

Sure. Just as soon as I’m done explaining molecular physics to this turtle.

CARRIE: The decision comes down to whether the bench is made up of offensive or defensive players. In a perfect world, you have both.

In the Cubs’ world, you get power with no contact, on base percentage with no power, speed with no baserunning ability, range with no throwing arm, and a second baseman with no pigment.

CARRIE: Blanco has shown he can play solid defense at second and short. If Mike Fontenot can play second and short…

SPOILERS: He can’t.

CARRIE: …then the Cubs may opt to keep another hitter on the bench, which could include someone like Kevin Millar.

Millar? I thought you said “hitter.” I guess you forgot the “s.”

CARRIE: One thing to consider regarding Blanco is that he’s one of six players out of options. That list includes Jeff Baker, Angel Guzman, Tom Gorzelanny, Koyie Hill and Geovany Soto.

“Out of options” sounds so intense. It would make for a great bait-and-switch on a movie. The trailer would go, “In a world where six men are out of options, and one man controls their destinies, only their heart and grit can save them.” And then it ends up being some boring-ass movie about arbitration.

At the moment, Fuld and Colvin are both on the 40-man roster. Do you expect them to open the season at Triple-A Iowa, or would the Cubs opt to take a backup center fielder with them?
– Sam B., Minneapolis

GOD DAMMIT! Couldn’t this question have been melded with the other Sam Fuld question? WHY IS THERE AN “OTHER” SAM FULD QUESTION???

CARRIE: I can see Fuld making the Cubs’ Opening Day roster over Colvin as a bench player.

Yeah, but you could also see how the Church Lady could be considered sexy.

CARRIE: They want Colvin to play every day, and unless there’s more regular work available in the big leagues, he’d be better served getting more experience in Iowa. Fuld has shown he can handle the part-time workload, can play all three positions, and can be used as a defensive sub or pinch-runner.

Plus, they don’t need to pay for a room for him on road trips, since he can just sleep on the top shelf of Alfonso Soriano’s locker.

CARRIE: However, Colvin did show up 25 pounds heavier — and it’s all good weight that he added.

Dong weight.

CARRIE: He’ll get plenty of at-bats.

They’re screwed.

I listen to your reports from Spring Training and you sound way too optimistic.

Hello. What is this? Is there actually a reasonable, rational, baseball-educated Cubs.com reader and Muskbox contributor?

We’re missing Ted Lilly for a month…

Go on…

…Big Z had nine wins last year…

Never mind.

…Mike Fontenot hit .236, Alfonso Soriano hit .241 with 55 RBIs, Soto was awful, Kosuke Fukudome in his two years has not proven anything hitting-wise, Carlos Silva had five wins and an inflated ERA with Seattle, and our biggest acquisition was Marlon Byrd. How in the world can you be optimistic?
– Evan A., St. Louis

You know? I’m going to give partial credit. This is arguably the best question ever asked in the Muskbox. HOW SAD DOES THAT MAKE YOU?

CARRIE: Zambrano, Fontenot, Soriano, Soto, Fukudome and Silva were all embarrassed by how they performed last year and all are motivated.

The Cubs are going to lead the league in motivation, feel-goodedness, and cowboy upping!

CARRIE: No offense to Byrd, but I think the biggest acquisition was hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo.

No offense to you, but that’s completely retarded. I don’t care how good a hitting coach Jaramillo is. The Cubs replaced their starting center fielder (again). Whether he’s good or bad, it was definitely a more significant move than the hitting coach.

CARRIE: Are there holes? Yes.

Most of them in Jaramillo’s face.

CARRIE: The bullpen has to be sorted out. But the candidates for the bench are more experienced, guys are healthy and the attitude is good. It’s March 1. Why not be optimistic?

Because the rotation is worse, right field is probably worse, arguably your best starter and reliever are both hurt, your manager is sliding ever closer toward full-on dementia, and your catcher is no longer fat. How are you supposed to win with a catcher who isn’t fat?

This is projected to be Lou Piniella’s last season as a manager. In the three years he’s been here, the Cubs have had three winning seasons. With the possibility of another winning season this year, when was the last time, if ever, a Cubs manager had a winning season every year during his tenure?
– Dan M., Elmhurst, Ill.

Jim Essian- Oh, no. Dammit.

CARRIE: Here’s the list: Tommy Burns (1898-99), Frank Chance (1905-12), Hank O’Day (1914), Joe McCarthy (1926-30), and Rogers Hornsby (1930-1932). Piniella also could be the fifth Cubs manager to post above-.500 records in at least his first four seasons as Cubs manager, joining Cap Anson (1879-1891); Chance (1905-1912), Charlie Grimm (1932-1938, 1944-46), and McCarthy (1926-30).

And look what happened to all of those guys? DEAD.

With the Cubs still looking for that veteran arm in the bullpen, do you think they’d consider Kiko Calero?
– Eric S., Farmington, Minn.

They need to lead the league in guys who sound like they’re named after monkeys! Congratulations, Starlin! You made the team!

CARRIE: Calero tore his right rotator cuff in 2008 and missed some time last year because of shoulder problems. The medical issues make him a high risk and the Cubs have decided to look elsewhere.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. High risk, mediocre reward is JUST the kind of player Hendry normally signs to a three-year deal. Also, yes, Calero missed SOME time last year, but he threw 60 innings. Angel Guzman threw 61. If they stack up enough dudes with shoulder problems, certainly they’ll get through the season with one or two left! And that one will be David Patton. And we’ll all have drunk bleach by then.