Hire Jim Essian

Before we dive knuckles-first into this week's Muskbox, it's my duty to point out that tickets to tonight's compelling Cubs-Reds matchup are currently selling for ONE DOLLAR AND FORTY-EIGHT CENTS on StubHub. (HT: Ned Ryerson) If you've been waiting to see Rodrigo Lopez pitch, NOW IS YOUR CHANCE. SIDE NOTE: Anyone need two tickets for tonight's game? Face ... Read More

When I saw there was a new Muskbox, I naturally assumed it would be filled with questions about the future of Carlos Zambrano. If there's one thing the Muskbox can do, however, it's surprise you. There's not a single damn thing in this week's Muskbox about Zambrano. What a helpful feature! Have you heard anything to suggest the ... Read More

So, I was up in Wisconsin killing time, animals, and brain cells when I heard the news that Carlos Zambrano had retired. Or not retired. Or was just sick of the Cubs. Or giving up home runs. Now, the Cubs have put Zambrano on the disqualified list, and the Cub with the longest uninterrupted tenure on ... Read More

Well, the trading has begun. All of you Tyler Colvin lovers will finally have your day in the Wrigley Field sun. Enjoy it, idiots. More importantly, HAS ANYONE CONSIDERED WHAT WILL BECOME OF THE SPORADIC FRIDAY NIGHT FUKUDOME?! Oh, well. Who will be the next to go in the upcoming winds of change? Your tips are ... Read More

The Muskbox is back with a robustness that was lacking last week. It's also unreasonably back on a Thursday. I politely asked if Carrie would reconsider, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. Oh, well. Will this week's Muskbox answer the question of why Jim Hendry inexplicably declared Jeff Baker untouchable? Will it declare Carlos Marmol ... Read More

The Muskbox hasn't made an appearances since May 23. That's a long time for a lot of stupid questions to go unanswered. But this will be an interesting experiment. Will two months be enough time to fill a Muskbox with a handful of actual, good questions? Assuming the Muskbox receives only one query a day, at ... Read More

Before Angel Guzman was around to tempt Cubs fans with his seemingly-limitless potential and seemingly-glass musculoskeletal structure, a skinny kid from the Dominican Republic rocketed through the Cubs' minor league system. By the time he was 21 years old, Juan Cruz looked and pitched like an old wise man. Cruz teased Cubs fans in the spring with his ... Read More

When I did a GIS for Prince Fielder, the top related search was "prince fielder fat." Indeed he is, oh prescient Google. Prince Fielder is so fat, he has to wake up in sections. He's so fat, Rickie Weeks jogs around him for exercise. He's so fat, if he leaves Milwaukee via free agency, Wisconsin will ... Read More

Please note. Only SOME of this press conference with Tom Ricketts is made-up. I'd like to thank you all for coming to this mandatory press conference. Please be advised that this will be the last time I speak before I retire to my chambers, take one last look at QuickBooks, and hang myself. Please tell my ... Read More

After thousands of man hours of work, my first post is up at SB Nation Chicago. I will now be able to resume your regularly-scheduled mediocre posting schedule. ... Read More